Blog Archive

Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, April 15, 2009

{This is the 26th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, we celebrated because the weather was too damn nice to avoid it and so several pitchers of Stella were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

• Never eat the Fish Special the day before it’s about to go off the menu

• Nobody wearing Axe body products has ever gotten laid

• No other human being on Earth enjoys your pet or your baby as much as you do

• A decent novel has never been written inside a Starbucks, ever

• People interviewed on the news stations who claim they always knew their neighbor was a murderer are all liars

• The difference between kinky and perverted in the bedroom is about 3.5 drinks prior to arriving there

• Never spot another guy on the bench press at the gym if you’re not wearing underwear

• Since the Internet took off, entering an actual porn store shows only hardcore desperation and horrible planning

• When you find yourself bragging about your friend count on Facebook, it’s time to get off the computer

• Uranus jokes are always funny – even when they’re not

• If you laugh while insulting someone at a party, you can say virtually anything and not start a fight

"Drinking is a way of ending the day." – Ernest Hemingway



  1. I hope you've learned about not spotting anyone while not wearing underwear out of theory, and not practice. After all, people don't bench press so they can see Uranus. Bwahahahaha.

  2. Heff Says:
  3. Ok, somebody's GOT to ask. What the HELL is "Stella" ? A beer, I'm assuming, but I've never heard of it.

  4. wigsf Says:
  5. OH MY GOD!

    How the HELL was Heff not heard of Stella Artois???

    I sure hope Heff is joking. Otherwise, he's just lost all respect I've ever had for him.

  6. Native Minnow - Ha. You see, you proved my point as that gave me a laugh. It works every single time.

    HEff - Stella Arteois (sp?) . . . Not sure how to spell the second part, but it's a light beer that still has flavor & is good when the weather starts turning warmer (about 80 degrees here). You should try some.

  7. wigsf Says:
  8. Okay, Heff. I'm not saying you have to like it. But to not have heard of it. Dear God, I hope you're joking.

  9. WIGSF - Flew by you in Cyberspace & obviously spelled the beer wrong. Send Heff a 6-pack of Stella & he can do a post on it . . .

  10. wigsf Says:
  11. Okay, now to my actual comment on the post.

    Fine return to form.

    Never eat fish. Period.

  12. wigsf Says:
  13. Okay, now to my actual comment on the post.

    Fine return to form.

    Never eat fish. Period.

    I've never gotten laid while wearing Axe. Maybe I should stop wearing it. I don't think it holds mystical powers. It's just convenient.

    It's okay to enjoy your pets, just don't enjoy your pets.

    Novelist John Swartzwelder used to write in coffee shops until smoking in said shops was banned in California. He bought a coffee shop booth and had it installed in his house so he can write and smoke at a coffee shop booth in his own home.

    Liars... or accomplices...

    I thought the difference was mutual consent. But I guess 3.5 drinks can turn that swing vote.

    Why would you not be wearing underwear?

    But there's just something special about that brown paper bag.

    Replace Facebook with Twitter and friend with follower and the same rules apply.

    Unfunny Uranus jokes are the funniest ones.

    I'll have to try that.

  14. wigsf Says:
  15. ^ I don't know what happened there.

    Do you know how to ship beer across international borders?

  16. kmwthay Says:
  17. I don't know if this happens in Austin, but the news stations in OKC always seem to find the most red-neck, toothless, dirty shirt wearin, needs a serious bath in a car wash, people to interview. It's sick, and I don't know where these people live. I think they must be news van chasers.

    Is there anything decent that has happened inside a Starbucks?

  18. CHEF TROLL Says:
  19. If you wear Axe, you might get laid in the homosexual butt-sex sense.

    If you use facebook or anything similar, you're ghey.

  20. WIGSF – That might be a record for # of comments for one post . . . Ha. But I appreciate the detail, so fish is good for you – seriously, Axe is NOT, I didn’t even think about bestiality about pets, great anectdote (sp?) on novelist, it does swing the vote, you’re right about Twitter, & Uranus & it’s worth a try, just not all the time.

    KMWTHAY – That does seem to happen quite often as it’s like they have these people on speed dial or something. It’s semi-ridiculous. As for Starbucks, I’m not going to deny that I like a latte now & again, although I never linger to drink it there & always take it with me to go.

  21. Chef Troll – Missed you in Cyberspace, I think the likely scenario with Axe wearers is that they will end up watching porn on the Internet by themselves. I don’t particularly care for Facebook or Twitter but I have loads of friends who do . . .

  22. nobich Says:
  23. end quote: words to live by...

  24. vivavavoom Says:
  25. the porn shop thing is SO true, I am shocked they still stay in business.

  26. Linda Says:
  27. I can't stand that Axe ad w/ the chocolate man, weirds me out.

    Stella sponsors a lot of film festivals. Their glasses fit well in the theater cup holders here.

    Hemingway is right!

  28. Boxer Says:
  29. yes! Drunken Viking Post!

    Native's comment made laugh.

    Here's what I try not to do;

    to be doing crunches on the floor when some dude (without underwear) decides to bench press anything.

    Trust me. I got more than a good shot of a planet.

  30. BostonPobble Says:
  31. I was going to say something about good books being written in Starbucks until I thought about it and realized for all the coffee shops, diners, and restaurants where I *have* written, I don't think I have ever written in a Starbucks.

    As for the difference between kinky and perverted...kinky is a feather, perverted is a chicken.

  32. Nobich - Agreed. Hemingway had a lot of those which were pretty instructive . . .

    Vivavavoom - I know. I was discussing this with my brother over the weekend as we drove past a few while going to see our family. It's simply bizarre as their prices are about 3x what you'll pay online as well (or so I'm told. Ha.).

    Linda - Most of the Axe ads are terrible, and I agree about the creepiness of the chocolate one, but the only part I like in that one is where he visits the girl in the hospital and gives her his hand as a gift. Ha. Kind of funny. And that is awesome about Stella-sponsors as I would love to attend some of those as Stella + movies would equal sheer greatness.

    Boxer - Ha. That is a vivid and disturbing image, and I don't blame you one single bit. At the very least, it would distract your focus from the task at hand. And yes, Native nailed the Uranus joke which only reinforces my point. :)

  33. Bostonbpobble - I've seriously missed someone through Cyberspace each time today . . . OK> I was wondering if the writing thing would cause you to raise an objection or not. Seriously. But I knew it - the Pobble would not write her novels in Starbucks. At least not the good stuff. Ha. And finally, I just got that feather/chicken thing sent to me last week & it inspired that number from the drunken Viking as the Viking will not steal, however, he will find inspiration from all sources.

  34. JLee Says:
  35. The weather has been quite wonderful lately, so it's good you got to enjoy it. I may dispute that Axe thing since I do like the smell of it, although I can't confirm nor deny if it gets a person laid. ha I do agree about Uranus jokes and I like BPs description of kinky vs perverted. That about sums it up! ha

  36. Miss Ash Says:
  37. I do love Stella....though not as much as watching the late night pervs slink into the "adult" film store beside my vball sponser's bar. Now that's entertaining!!

  38. slopmaster Says:
  39. Seriously, about the Stella Artois.

    You should pick your spotters carefully for sure.

  40. Jlee - I have to say I'm disappointed with this Axe confession. Ha. But I suppose they have so many scents that they can't all smell like a swamp . . . And I like the perverted/kinky distinction as well. Good stuff.

    Miss Ash - The answer is obvious: order Stella and drink them while watching the perverts slink into the store. Fine beer & entertainment.

    Slopmaster - Definitely watch out for bad spotters, although it's hard to judge the underwear thing on first glance. Unfortunately.


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