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Corporate Etiquette 114 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, March 11, 2009

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the 14th in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

Yesterday afternoon, we were holding a company-wide baby shower for one of our Vice President’s and his wife to celebrate their recent adoption.

The event was originally scheduled for 3 p.m., which seemed reasonable to me since it would break up my afternoon. I figured that feigning interest in a squealing child and saying the usual things like “he’s so cute” and “are you getting any sleep yet” coupled with any other bland pronouncements I could conjure up might be worth the break from work.

Besides, they were having cupcakes from a local bakery, and these treats were nothing short of delicious and usually cost $2.50 a piece.


Around 1:30 p.m., however, things began to turn sideways. An email had gone out announcing the shower had been pushed back to 5 p.m., a change that seemed wholly unreasonable since it was technically outside of work hours.

“Shit,” I grumbled aloud causing a passing co-worker to ask if anything was wrong. I didn’t reply.

The next few hours passed uneventfully, and at some point, I decided I was simply going to skip the shower. I had already given money for a gift basket as well as signed the card which would accompany the offering. So, I was clear on that front, my good name unsullied.


It was almost 4:30 p.m. when I went to the break room with the intention of grabbing a water, and then heading out the doors for home so I wouldn’t get accidentally dragged to the shower. I opened the refridgerator to find several boxes of cupcakes staring back at me. The break room was deserted except for me and the cupcakes, which I regarded lustily with the door hanging open.

At this point, rationalization took over as I figured since I had contributed to the gift basket and the cupcakes would be offered at the shower - which I wasn’t attending - that I deserved one for the road. Why not?

I took another look towards the door – I was still all alone – and then quickly grabbed a white cupcake with lemon icing, palming the desert craftily just as I heard voices coming towards the kitchen. There was nowhere to hide the cupcake. Right before my CEO and the Vice President in question entered the room, I shoved the treat inside my pants pocket and felt icing smear the lining of a sharp pair of heather gray slacks.

I exchanged quick pleasantries on the way out the door, then raced racing downstairs to my car. The cupcake was removed carefully and remained largely intact on the ride home.

Today, I plan to drop the pants off at the cleaners, and of course, I still ate the cupcake once I got home and it tasted even better with the element of danger added to the butter cream icing, sugar and flour.

-BDS

17 comments

  1. Okay, this is going to sound gay, really really gay, but I would lick the icing off your pants. Not while you were still wearing them. That would be gay. And not until you've left the room. You being there while I ate the icing would be sorta gay. But I love cupcakes. I love cupcake frosting. I'll eat frosting with a spoon right from the (little plastic) jar like it was ice cream. The first photo of all the cupcakes practically gave me a mouthgasm. I'm probably going to skip out of work for a bit and find some place to get a dozen or so cupcakes.

     
  2. Heff Says:
  3. Dude, you TOTALLY thugged a cupcake ! You're supposed to endure the pain of the baby shower to reap the reward of the treats !!

    Honestly, I would have done EXACTLY the same thing, though.

     
  4. JLee Says:
  5. hahaha...you had me laughing out loud at this one. All I can say is "bravo" The cost of the dry cleaners is worth it. ;)

     
  6. WhatIgot - Ha. This comment was pretty damn funny, and I'm glad you explained the opening line because that was more than a bit shaky. But cupcake frosting is good, especially butter-cream, so I can't really blame you for the offer. Let's hope the dry cleaner doesn't feel the same way & I find him tonguing them when I return.

    Heff - Dammit, I know. It's the price of the cupcake, but it was a damn steep price that I couldn't pay. Ha. It sounds like you wouldn't either.

    Jlee - I'll take the Bravo, the dry cleaning bill & the cupcake. Ha. It was tasty.

     
  7. Linda Says:
  8. I really shouldn't read these posts at work. I was laughing out loud at the thought of icing in your pocket, and potentially on the interior of that gorgeous new car! Will you explain the icing to the dry cleaner? Great story, made my day! Now I have to go to the bakery....ha!

     
  9. Boxer Says:
  10. BWHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    I didn't see that coming.

    AND you still ate it.

    (I would have too.)

    P.S. I think mandatory baby showers at work, for for people with money... are lame.)

     
  11. Linda - Glad to have helped a little this morning as I always appreciate a good laugh at work. Ha. I haven't decided about the dry cleaner, but am about to leave for lunch & drop it off, so . . .

    Boxer - A suprise ending indeed. Ha. And I agree 100% about the lameness of the whole event. Apparently a lot of other folks did too because I noticed when signing the card that only about 15% of the workforce chipped in for the gift. I deserved that cupcake dammit.

     
  12. I invented Heather Gray.

     
  13. nobich Says:
  14. Ha!! that's all I can say!!

     
  15. Simply awesome. You are my hero. I would've acted as if I'd just gotten there early, talked to the big wigs and stayed for the shower. Then again, I'm a pussy.

     
  16. Al - Then I owe you thanks because it is a stellar color that beats the hell out of powder blue & lime green.

    Nobich - Ha indeed. And tasty.

    Native Minnow - Thanks, but it was more about gluttony and cowardice in my case. Ha. I generally try to avoid the high-level types, and I was worried they would drag me to the shower, so I looked busy with my Blackberry in one hand and told them I'd see them at the event. I lied.

     
  17. BostonPobble Says:
  18. Shear brilliance. Of course, I think a chocolate cupcake would've been more worth the stealth maneuvers but variety keeps life interesting. Plus, let's face it, really any cupcake, especially a $2.50 cupcake, is worth a certain amount of subterfuge.

     
  19. Miss Ash Says:
  20. Who the fuck has a baby shower at 5pm and at work?? Bleh!

    Love the thievery though your wife must think you're ridiculous! If my husband came home with icing smeared not only on his face but his pants pocket I'd surely shake my head.

     
  21. Dude, you have two pockets. Why stop at one? Was this the same guy who was practising his nunchunks in the stairwell? He would have beat your ass for stealing a cupcake. Sweet, sweet cupcake.

     
  22. Bostonpobble - Thanks, and I love the word subterfuge, so thanks for that as well. I like both chocolate and vanilla, but mainly it was the lemon icing that drove me as well as the fact that they were all of this variety so I didn't have to make that difficult choice. Ha.

    Miss Ash - Ridiculous - please. Ha. Besides, who said anything about smearing icing on my face? I can eat cupcakes like an adult Miss Ash, so let's keep the accusations to a minimum and keep them accurate. And my wife found it amusing.

    Getoffmylawn - That last bit sounded like Homer Simpson - sweet cupcakes. Ha. And two cupcakes would have veered towards gluttony and theft in my rationalization, so I kept it to one. Also, you're right - the numchuck CEO would have beaten me silly if caught.

     
  23. kmwthay Says:
  24. holy cupcake! I was cracking up reading your post! Glad you got to miss the shower - yawn. And even more glad you got to enjoy your $2 cupcake.

    Now the real question is - what did the cleaners say about the icing in your pants.

    my mind immediately went to "is that icing in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

     
  25. Kmwthay - Thanks as I found it a funny & ridiculous situation myself. The cleaner lady knows me, although she doesn't speak a lot of English, so I just smiled at her and told her I had an accident when showing her the pants. Ha. We both had a laugh.

     

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