{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the sixth in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}
It takes a peculiar kind of person to berate an entire department on Friday afternoon, and then leave for a week-long Hawaiian vacation the following Monday.
But it happened this past week as my Vice President called an impromptu meeting at 3:00 p.m. The conference call was mandatory. The timing brutal. Typically, if I'm still in the office past mid-afternoon on a Friday when the sun is shining, then something has gone horribly awry.
Something was rotten in Denmark, and apparently, it was rested largely on our shoulders. Thankfully, the call was brief, but the point driven home time and again was that we had let the company down, we had let ourselves down and quite possibly the nation as a whole.
We were thin-skinned, yet too thick in the head to do our jobs with the diligent detail necessary to conquer our competitors and bolster the valuation prospects of our own company.
We were scum. Lazy ingrates without the ambition to unzip our flys before pissing all over the company, and more importantly, the Board of Investors. 
Veiled threats were uttered. Jobs called into question. Many a suggestion included "looking ourselves in the mirror" each day, a stance that I was unsure whether it would solve motivational issues or if the staff simply had a distinct lack of personal style or hygiene. I felt confident in the latter category.
All this vitriol was coming from a guy who was about to be sitting on a beach in Waikiki the next week, slathering on suntain oil and sipping boat drinks. Nice timing, eh? 
I knew all this during the call, and that's where my focus stayed as he ranted on topics of ineptness and sloth. If I had the ability to throw my voice like that guy from the "Police Academy" movies, I would have chimed in with a "You all packed for Hawaii," however, my ability to do voices/accents is embarrassing and I also don't look highly on getting fired or quitting one job before you have another lined up.
So, once the call ended at 3:21 p.m., I left the office and met some friends downtown for happy hour. But I did look in every mirror I could find on the journey and I liked what I saw.
{Editor's Note: I do realize that leaving the office vaguely justifies the general complaints of laziness, however, I have done just fine so far this year.}
-BDS
And they wonder why people pee in coffeepots? This would warrant that for sure. I'm giggling at the Police Academy thing. I can just picture it in my head, someone poorly trying to throw their voice, then being escorted out of the building. ha
"Water off a duck's back", 2Dollar. That's all I've got to say about it.
reminds me of the time my mother's boss announced the he was going to retire earlier than he had told everyone because he had found someone to buy his building and they wanted it pronto. this he did on a friday afternoon right before leaving for a 2 week vacation to italy. he basically told them to start packing while he was away.
my mom, being the nice person she was, stayed and helped the other staff who were devistated because they were now basically out of a job once he returned.
Jlee - Ha. Peeing in coffee pots seems mean, mostly because I drink coffee at work. And I wish I could throw my voice and do accents, however, I'm not holding out hope that I'll acquire that skill.
Heff - Exactly. I just laughed and left the building. It's not Hawaii, but . . .
Cats - Ouch. That's definitely worse than mine as that seems especially cruel. I think I might have "accidentally" broken something during the packing job.
Ouch!
Miss Ash - Ouch indeed. But it seems like a parody too. I just wanted to laugh nearly the entire call, but I kept it to myself.
Anonymous Boxer - Certainly. To a degree, I think he was going through the motions expected by the CEO, but the timing was still semi-hilarious - or at least I thought it was. As for the keys, he offices out of CA, and our HQ is in Austin, so . . . no dice. Ha.
...we had let the company down, we had let ourselves down and quite possibly the nation as a whole."
I haven't wanted to mention it but I have been passive-aggressively and secretly seething at you and your entire department over the situation in the country these days. Glad to finally have the opportunity to lay it at your feet where it so distinctly deserves to be.
What a jerk. Very nice of him to mention it before the weekend and then run off to his little vacation... he obviously is quite worried.
you handled it well!! My husband has come home with stories like this...the best/worst being when they had one of those come to Jesus meetings at his last job but said how great everyone was doing and then fired 3 people that afternoon....he was one of them.
I think the prick just needed to feel like he was keeping you all in line while he enjoyed his mimosas.
like you said, you look in the mirror and like what you see....that is THE most important thing.
Bostonpobble - I knew it. I sensed a chill in your blog communications, however, I chalked it up to false feelings and utter nonsense. But never again. I will face your scorn head-on from this point forward. Ha.
Grace - I do think it was one of those scenarios where he got pressure from the CEO, who got pressure from the Board, which then got filtered to us. The old shit runs downhill expression, but still, the timing could have been better, although it did give me a good laugh before the weekend.
Vivavavoom - Ouch. That is worse than mine as it was mostly threats & no actual cutting being done. I can handle verbal assaults, but the other side is even dirtier. As for the mirror, I've never ever found these kind of speeches to be motivating and I have always questioned those who do. Ha.
that's the hardest part of working for someone - all the bs! i gotta go with what heff sai, sugar "water off a duck's back" you've style and grace and you can smile when you look at yourself in the mirror! ;-)
(i know, you're wondering who the hell is this? right? we met at anonymous boxer's party!)
I never forget a party . . . so I did remember. Nice to see you around, and I agree as that kind of stuff has always rolled right off. It's just easier that way, and leads to better moods.