"Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky.” – John C. Reilly, ‘Step Brothers’
I’m not entirely sure just how universal that is, however, I do like me some beef jerky now and again.
Anyway, before I hit the door by 4 pm and enjoy the balmy 98 degree temperature outside (finally under 100), let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Tiger Woods and his Swedish wife Elin Nordegren finalized their divorce this week.
Terms were not disclosed, however, a statement from their lawyers read: "We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.”
Off-record, Nordegren elaborated with, “Yeah, I wish that cheating bastard the very best with his future whores, porn stars, nightclub workers and pancake house waitresses who he chooses to bang. I’ll just lie naked on my pile of divorce money.”
{Editor’s Note: The above statement was not found on the court records.}
Lindsay Lohan was released early from rehab on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, a judge gave her a rigorous probation program: four psychotherapy sessions, two addiction counseling sessions and five 12-step meetings a week.
He also dismissed two cocaine charges from her back-to-back 2007 DUI cases and said she can go on unsupervised probation in November if she follows the rules.
"It appears she is very serious about her sobriety," Superior Court Judge Elden Fox said.
Lohan's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, said: "She looks forward to proving to the court and (prosecutors) that she is serious...She has learned her lesson and wants to move on in a positive way."
Lohan later Tweeted: “As long as I don’t test POSTIVE on a future drug test, I’ll be moving on all right. Sniff.”
Paris Hilton called police on Tuesday after seeing a man wielding two large knives and banging on her windows outside her Los Angeles home. Seriously.
"So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting him," Hilton said in a Twitter message.
Police confirmed they had arrested a man in his 40s who appeared to have been trying to break in. 
Sounds like the company currently suing Hilton for not wearing their hair extensions (see last week’s QHF) sent out an enforcer to take off her illegal extensions once and for all.
Heidi Montag spoke out this week amidst her impending divorce from Spencer Pratt to tell Life & Style magazine that she also wants to get rid of her G-sized breast implants.
Montag said: "I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D."
In other words, Montag wants to broaden her career prospects from Porn Star to Porn Star and/or Stripper. Good choice Heidi.
Anna Paquin married her True Blood co-star Stephen Moyer this week.
The couple exchanged vows in a romantic sunset ceremony at a private residence in California. Guests included co-stars from the vampire drama including Sam Trammell and Carrie Preston as well as Elijah Wood.
When asked how the ceremony, most respondents agreed that it Sucked.
Jennifer Aniston finalized a deal to guest star on her former "Friends" star Courteney Cox's current television comedy series, "Cougar Town," this week.
Aniston will appear in the show's second-season premiere airing September 22. She will play a therapist giving advice to Cox's character.
Someone desperately needs to give Aniston advice on choosing her movie career, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed.
Pop star George Michael pleaded guilty Tuesday to drug offenses and a judge suspended his license for six months.
This stemmed from an incident where Michael crashed into a photo shop and was found slumped at the wheel. In court, Michael admitted driving under the influence of drugs and possession of cannabis following the July 4 crash.
"It is a serious matter. Your driving was extremely poor and there was an accident," said Judge Robin McPhee. 
Stop being my Father Figure,” Michaels shouted at the judge, who replied, “If you want your Freedom Mr. Michael, then get the Monkey Off Your Back and have some Faith in yourself man.”
{Editor’s Note: I’ve used some version of that line in the past, however, I can’t think of anything Michaels has done in the past decade except get in vehicular accidents while on drugs. Selah.}
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:
It’s still hot as hell in Austin, so some water and gauzy sheets and nudity would all be welcomed. So, beat the heat today, indulge inside or out and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
Finally under 100.....rub it in sir, rub it in!!!
Ya I'll bet Elin was wishing him the best in the future and by the best I mean herpes, syphillis and you get the idea!
Enjoy the weekend!
QUICK HEFF FRIDAY !
I'm still Kinda disappointed that Tiger got busted before he got his putter to the 18th HOLE !
Pretty sure Lohan's early release "came" shortly after she uttered the question "Who does a girl have to BLOW to get out of here ??" Deep Throat pun intended.
At least Paris had the sense to Tweet during this emergency, although I really wish she had tweeted "OWW, these knife stabbs REALLY HURT !!"
Damn, I was JUST starting to respect Montag for getting rid pf "The Pratt", and now she's thinking of reducing her KNOCKAGE ? That's IT. I'm through with her, too.
Being that Anna Paquin is bisexual, I wonder how long it'll take Stephen Moyer to realize the MARRIAGE IS GONNA SUCK, too.
I think Jennifer Aniston will be alright, because she hasn't been able to stick with any "Cox" for very long, LMAO !!!
I'm surprised George Michael didn't say "Judge, can we go to a public bathroom and talk this over" when given his sentence.
As far as the last Gold Image, TRY AND STAY FOCUSED THIS WEEKEND !
See ya, BDS !
Tiger Woods' stating Elin never hit him = she missed. Lohan getting her license back is disgraceful. It's too bad the courts treat DUI so lightly. Don't understand why that Montag chick is famous, but she is a G-cup whack-a-doodle!! Next thing you know she'll want her virginity back! Have a great weekend and Happy Friday!
I'd love to lie naked with Elin on her big pile of divorce money. Or off it. Either way.
My guess is that Lohan hasn't learned her lesson. But that could just be me looking at the glass half empty.
Please tell me that Paris Hilton's home intruder with the knives was also wearing night vision goggles.
Who will Heidi Montag get to do her breast reduction now that her plastic surgeon drove off a cliff while texting?
The fact that Sookie and Bill are married in real life makes me hate True Blood even more. Could the show be any more ridiculous? Or the acting any worse?
I'd be more amused if Aniston went on Cougar Town as a cougar instead of a therapist.
when it comes to the George Michael thing, I've got nothing. I guess I just don't have enough "faith, faith, faith."
Happy Friday Everyone!! Good Post & I thought nothing happened this week..hahaha
"...enjoy the balmy 98 degree temperature outside (finally under 100)..."
You hate me, don't you? *sigh*
Have a happy weekend, anyway. ;)
That quote is hysterical. I met these guys whose favorite movie was "Stepbrothers" and kept quoting from it.
The weather has been great, eh? A nice break from the scorching heat...
wv: "wisemani"
Miss Ash - It's still brutal Miss Ash. Trust me. :) And yes, you are right about Elin, but she's been well compensated no doubt. Happy Belated Friday Miss Ash.
Heff - Appreciate the detail as always, so nice golf pun as I thought those had been exhausted with Woods and I was wrong, doubling up on the puns is always good, just wait for Hilton in this week's QHF, I was disappointed about Heidi myself, I forgot about her bisexuality so good point, you're killing the puns this weekend and that is always a good thing around here, Michaels is lucky he's not in jail w/ Lohan, and I stayed focused. Barely. Happy Belated Friday Heff.
Linda - Love the whack-a-doodle term. Ha. And the whole Montag lines in all honesty. I agree about Lohan and I am finallys tarting to catch back up on movies. Happy Belated Friday Linda.
Native Minnow - You know I appreciate the detail and that is very big of you with Elin (and I agree myself), at some point Lohan will have a comeback (I think) but I don't know if that time is now, great - great - Hilton line, Montag is going to lose 2 of her best attributes, I am a 'True Blood' holdout as I've never seen it, me too on Anniston but I wouldn't watch either way, and I almost lobbed the Faith line in myself. Ha. Happy Belated Friday Minnow.
Nobich - Thanks as it seemed like a slow week to me too. Happy Belated Friday Nobich.
Bostonpobble - Send some cool air down this way - I will take it. We'll trade. I'm generous that way. Ha. Happy Belated Friday Pobble.
Jlee - I thought it was fairly decent, but I think I may have underrated it as there are a lot of good lines. Ha. And yeah, it's back up to 100 degrees this week in Austin, so I'm ready for a break. We'll see. Happy Belated Friday Jlee.