I was busted, soon to be humiliated. I just knew it. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide and besides, I still wanted to watch "Pineapple Express." 
These thoughts were running through my head as I strolled to the ticket puncher this past weekend, ticket in hand and yet weighed down with loads of illicit contraband not sanctioned by the theater.
Concealed on my body, I carried a McDonald's egg Mcmuffin with bacon wrapped in tinfoil to keep it warm, a small bag of almonds, one glazed cake donut and an ice-cold water bottle jammed down the front of my pants which caused Stanley to recoil in horror.
My pockets bulged outward unnaturally as they were laden with food, and I had a distinct feeling that the McMuffin was emitting delicious fumes that only a fool couldn't smell.
This can only end badly I thought, then wondered why I had chosen to get into the proper sprit of "Pineapple Express" by indulging in a vice that rarely happened anymore. "What's done is done," I said to myself and stepped confidently forward to present my ticket and be guided to the theater.
The kid barely glanced at me as he tore the stub and sent me onto theater #4 on the left. "Thanks," I mumbled and walked past the theater manager who wore a business suit and eyed me warily as I bypassed the concession stand. 
After making it safely into the theater, I felt euphoric and eagerly anticipated cracking the snacks as the lights went down. It wasn't until the previews started, however, that I noticed that the theater seemed to consist mainly of high school kids who must have snuck into the movie, which was rated 'R.'
Regardless, I opened the McMuffin wrapper just as the last preview ended, which produced an odor that permeated the air around me and drifted backwards towards the kids. It smelled great, but I knew - just knew - that this scent was undeniable in the closed theater and between their giggles they must be wondering who was breaking the rules.
I snuck a glance behind me. Nothing. The movie was starting and they were in their own world, sparing me not a second thought. This was perfect. Besides, if they try to blackmail me for the McMuffin, I would simply turn it back on the little bastards by wolfing it down and then threatening to inform management that they had entered illegally.
Two can play at that game.
But the drama subsided, the comedy of the film began and I simply enjoyed the hell out of being inside a dark theater with a warm McMuffin, a sweet donut and cold water that went down smoothly with the knowledge that I had overcome the odds of being identified as a rule-breaker by management.
It's the small things, eh?
-BDS
That settles it. The next time I go to the theater, I'M PACKIN' !
I never smuggle stuff into a movie theatre. The main reason I go to the movie theatre is for the Wetzels Pretzels and the booze. I could care less about the movie.
Besides, I don't mind paying a premium for the booze at the theatre bar. If I really wanted cheap booze, I'd ferment a Twinkie.
Heff - I consider myself to always be packing regardless of the situation. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Ha. Cheap humor.
WhatIgot - You can drink at theaters? There are a few around here where that is the case, and when I go there, then there is no question that I pay for a few pints and usually popcorn and chips and salsa. Finally, if you can ferment a Twinkie into alcohol, then that is a true talent.
My dearest friend once brought in an entire pizza. She carried it under a poncho. I believe she also smuggled in a 6 pack too.
For that, and many other talents, she is my hero.
As for you, MULE, I'm not sure why you bothered with water... with that little grease bomb thing you were working, I'd think you want to wash it down with a Yoo-Hoo? I'm seeing Tropic Thunder tonight.
when the price of the ticket is over $10.00 I bring food too. ( & there's no drinking in any of the theaters that I know of- boo!!)
Anonymous Boxer - I like that term - Mule - as a concession mule is an interesting twist on the drug one which has been used to death. ha. And Saturday is my off-diet day - way off in this case as I figured the water would push the grease through the system faster. Finally, I hope 'Thunder' is good as I will see it this weekend and post next week about it.
Nobich - There's one chain in Austin where you can buy drinks and they have food - Alamo Drafthouse. It's a cool place, and depending on the type of movie, I watch some of them with a cold pint or two.
well, Pineapple Express IS about drugs. Dueling reviews?
Rule-Breaker, you are a bad influence on the young people of your community! ha
Glad you got away with it and I saw "Express" a couple of weeks ago and agreed with your review. Franco stole the show and although he irritated the hell out of me in "Spiderman", I thought he was great and definitely found his niche with comedy. You'll love "Tropic Thunder" too but it has it's violent/gory moments (but it's still damn funny)
Well frankly I am shocked B. Not that you successfuly smuggled in contraband, no for that I am inordinately proud of you. No I'm shocked that you would let a McD's anything pass your lips. I like to sneak in a yiros. There's nothing quite like the strong aroma of garlic hanging in the air.
As long as Stanley recovered. Pay him a little extra attention in recompense. Next time, smuggle the food in and sneak in with the teens. Bring some extra McMuffins to bribe the punks.
Anonmous Boxer - My review was already skewed in that direction, so the gauntlet has been thrown down. Ha.
Jlee - I agree 100% about Franco, and less so about the fine role model I present to the youth of America. Ha. I'm excited to see 'Thunder' and plan to catch it this long weekend. Thanks for the violence warning.
Gypsy - On a rare occassion, I do get a craving for McDonald's, although I could eat their soft serve ice cream cones every single day and twice on Sunday as they are phenomenal. As for your own garlic choice, I think that scent might have overpowered the the theater and I am a fan of garlic. Ha.
Getoffmylawn - I would never permanently endanger Stanley for something so trivial as it was a temporary discomfortant to make train him to hold up under extreme conditions - at least that's what I keep saying to him. And that's a fine idea about bribing via McMuffin as it's cheap currency, eh?
Carrying a very large purse does have its rewards!
I too sneak items in but mainly mixed nuts or a chocolate bar. I've never been so bold as to bring in something that would smell so delicious...though I did sneak a starbucks pumpkin spice latte in once :)
lol, that was freaking hilarious. But I completely agree, everything is insanely overpriced in theatres. I usually always sneak in a drink and some chocolate. I just stuff them into my purse and nobody ever finds out.
At least it was the water bottle in your pants making 'Stanley' recoil, and not the McMuffin making 'Stanley' stand at attention.
Miss Ash - I've had one of those lattes and they are pretty damn good, so nice one. And yes, I usually tap my wife's purse to store these things in, however, she was out of town and I had to improvise. Ha.
Grace - The purse is perfect for this kind of job, and I wish I had something similar to work with instead of my pants. Ha. I will buy popcorn at the theater, however, paying $4.50 for a drink just kills me.
Native Minnow - That's true as I hadn't considered that point. That would have added another element of danger to the proceedings as it would have called attention when I was trying to blend into the surroundings so nobody would question me. Luckily, it worked out this time.
Ya going to take a scissors to the "do not remove" tag on your mattress next?
TheTroll - Let's not get crazy with the crime spree. They would lock me up and throw away the key for an offense like that.