There is less than one hour remaining before my company begins its annual Summer Kick-off meetings. This means I will spend the next 4 days in various sessions which will talk of past accolades with quiet dignity and future goals with realistic certainty.
Actually, it will entail grandiose expectations coupled with insulting pep talks combined with subtle chastising for days on end. Once the meetings conclude, there will be social events where we get to pretend that we didn't just spend the previous 8 hours together and that some kind of bonding will occur that should ultimately affect the bottom line.
Horseshit. 
This week already feels about a month long, and I have yet to give my presentation yet. Oh well, that doesn't bother me as I can speak in public without sweating or throwing up, but I have no desire to hear the majority of the other topics being discussed.
Instead, I plan to kill time this week by:
1) Counting the times that the words "Urgency," "Accountability" and "110%" are used.
2) Daydreaming about lounging by the pool and playing games in the water. 
3) Thinking of excuses to avoid getting drinks with the out-of-towners following the all-day meetings
4) Avoiding my vice president in the bathroom as he is notoriously chatty man while taking care of his business.
5) Pondering how to steal extra drink tickets at the company meeting
6) Avoiding the weepy woman from human resources
7) Drinking coffee
8) Pretending that the meetings are taking place inside a porno movie which is a suprisingly hilarious way to kill time (just don't mistake reality for porn reality and act on your impulses)
9) Finding a few meaningless questions to ask my boss to show my involvement
10) Scratching off lottery tickets
Wake me when it's over, and if I don't return by Quick Hit Friday, then you'll know that medically speaking you really can die from boredom.
-BDS
A. I'm sorry and B. Sounds like you have a wonderful and elaborate strategy in place to deal with said events. Good work.
ahahhah Number 6 is soooooo true. This is when I'm truly glad to be running my own ship because my "meetings" usually consist of me saying (to myself) GREAT JOB and then I go back to reading a blog or ordering something online.
and I drink a lot of coffee.
Good luck this week - you have my sympathy.
Jlee - Thanks for the condolences & we'll see if my strategy holds up. I hope so. Ha.
Anonymous Boxer - Exactly. I will miss what you mentioned & it's hard to believe that sitting in meetings can be so damn tiring. Ugly. And thanks for the sympathy as I'll take it. Gladly.
Holy Krap ! I know we just had a holiday, but I would strongly consider calling in sick !
Ugh good luck keeping your eyes open!!
Rather than that extensive list of ways to kill boredom, you should just call in sick for a few days and work on that tan.
Heff - That would be great, but they would probably wheel me in and prop me in the corner so I didn't miss any valuable information. At least I get to play Laser Tag tonight. Ha.
Miss Ash - My tan is pretty decent for this time of year as it's been near 100 degrees and sunny for the past month in Austin. But after sitting inside at these meetings for days at a time, I have a feeling that I will appear sick very quickly. Ha.
Ever think about getting those glasses with the eyes painted on them?
i guess #8 is the new take on imagining everyone naked idea.
perhaps i'll try that at my next church meeting.
C'mon 2 Dollar! This is exactly the attitude we are trying to extinguish. I expect everyone to dive into these team building exercises and give 110%! To survive in this new market we need to have accountability in all sectors! We have to head into this new horizon with the same urgency as a fireperson heading to a burning building! These meetings will empower you and your teammates with the tools for success!
(Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)
Just curious... does anyone at work know about your blog?
WhatIgot - I have, but I don't think they work outside of the cartoon world. But I could be wrong. Very wrong.
Cats - Exactly. It's like the evolution of that old idea. Ha. But I couldn't/wouldn't recommend doing it in church as that is too much for me as I try to limit it to sporting events, business functions and flea markets.
Mr. DNA - Ha. That's funnier than anything I've heard all day by far, and it was impressive that you were able to weave all those ideas into a short paragraph. Now, if you could get them all into 1 sentence, you might be able to work here. Ha.
Wendy - Let's hope not, eh? All in all, my not is pretty decent & my boss doesn't micro-manage, so things could be a lot worse.
# 8 sounds fun I guess you can try that anywhere.
Don't forget "thinking outside the box" "value creation" and a new one I've just recently started running across Everywhere ~ Incentivize. Don't ask me what it means because I haven't the foggiest idea. Somehow, I doubt the people who are using it do either.
Nobich - You definitely can, which makes it even more valuable.
Bostonpobble - I've officially been sick of the 'outside the box' line for so long now that I can't remember when that wasn't the case. That being said, I kind of like incentivize . . . it's got a nice ring to it for some reason. I can't believe I said that aloud. Ha.
I had flashbacks when I read Mr. DNA's post. I swear I worked for that person.
*shudder*
You should use this unique empowerment opportunity to give 110% towards establishing an urgency for thinking "outside the box" by incentivizing our accountability which will lead to the "value creation" of formally nominal tasks.
#4. I absolutely hate people who are to dam chatty, especially in the wrong atmosphere.
#7. Drinking coffee is always a wonderful way to deal with anything.
#8. I agree that you should make sure you DO NOT mistake reality for porn reality and act on any impulses.
#10 Scratch offs are also wondeful especially when you pair it up with #7.
I definitely believe you can die from boardom so I hope you do survive and I hope to see you for quick hit friday.
I hope you don't mind that I took notes during this post... there are some very valuable time-wasting suggestions in there :)
All I can say is that, judging by your picture, I've been hanging out at the wrong pool.
Nothing like pep talks! Your ideas sound good though. I wonder if I can use any of them during one of our many "training" sessions in which we watch a powerpoint over something new they want us to learn and expect to know in just under an hour?
Anonymous Boxer - I know. Ha. The faces change, but the message stays the same - cliched.
Mr. DNA - Bravo. Stellar work, and you nailed that "value creation" line too. I'll have to steal/borrow that whole sentence for my next presentation in the winter.
Trina - So far, I'm making it through and on the plus side, the laser tag outting was surprsingly fun. Ha. I agree about the coffee as I've got a cup right now & they are bringing in breakfast tacos shortly. Small favors. I WILL be back on Friday as I need a return to normalcy.
Grace - You're welcome as I'm sure you'll find your own ways too now that school is over & the real business has begun. Ha. Good luck.
NativeMinnow - I'd give you the location, but that might spoil it as word would spread and then you know what would happen from there. Ha. I'll just stay hidden in the bushes in the meantime.
Symplyamused - I've seen quite a few PP presos over the past few days & they don't get any better as you go along. Ha. But your lead time between seeing and learning is pretty small as that sounds tough. I just need to absorb every 3rd slide or so. Ha.
1) I love how Minnow always gets right to the crux of a post or is that crutch?
2) I remember reading about your Vice president...don't follow him in there whatever you do.
3) Sorry you have to go through this :(
4) I can't believe I missed last weeks QHF. WTF is wrong with me?
I have never thought of #8 before. I thank you deeply for its wisdom and shall endeavour to try it the next conference I have to go to.
Gypsy - I know as I gutted it up with my 4th travel and still did QHF and then no Gypsy . . . Ha. That's OK. And I did survive both the meetings and bathroom avoidance, so things are all downhill from here.
Getoffmylawn - I would be selective in the application. Ha. But it can be interesting if the setting is appropriate.