2 Dollar Productions

Another hurdle in the screenplay saga has been cleared as we finally agreed to a working draft this weekend, and I registered it with the Writers Guild yesterday.

This was a fine development in my eyes as I'm tired of re-working this script, and am ready to start pitching it different places. As I mentioned to the producer recently, we could tinker with the script forever and if it actually catches hold anywhere, then we'll certainly have to re-write elements to fit a studio, actor, etc.

I'm not packing my bags for Hollywood anytime soon, but it's one step closer to the ultimate prize.


Anyway, now I'm tasked with writing a treatment which always accompanies a script because most people are too lazy to actually read the product without a marketing piece selling it - hence the treatment.

The treatment is actually giving me more problems than the script itself because I loathe reading copy written by marketing folks, and consequently, I have a difficult time writing that way. There are also no hard and fast rules about what to include in a treatment and the length varies from 2 - 25 pages.

We've settled on about 5 pages as the goal. A common element is the logline, which is a summation of the entire script into a single sentence. This is the one I've started with:

A former 'Wild Man' turned suburban accountant finds his life irrevocably altered after inheriting a Swingers Sex Club, and suddenly his strained marriage, his cutthroat work environment and his placid neighborhood existence are thrown into hilarious chaos.

I'm not wild about it, however, it's a start and I am excited about entering this new phase of the project. But I really just want to settle on a treatment we all agree on, and then begin to schedule pitch meetings because that is something I've never seen before and would love to try on for size.

-BDS

Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: Unless you are absolutely starved for a bit of comedy, then I would suggest a rental for "Step Brothers" (and only pay matinee prices if you venture to the theater).

Will I Own It On DVD: Not unless it ultimately goes on sale for $4.99 at Best Buy, and even then, I would have to be feeling flush with cash.


1) The law of diminishing returns has officially set in with Will Ferrell playing stunted adults with a penchant for random sayings (you could argue this had already occurred with "Semi-Pro," however, I have not seen that film.) There are still funny lines spouted by Ferrell, but you can almost feel him working too hard to come up with them versus his past performances where they felt fresh and effortless.

2) I'm also getting tired of what I call "concept comedies." In this case, I could picture a producer selling the movie as "Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play grown men who still live at home with their single parents. Then, their parents get married and both men move in together, share a room, and feud with each other before becoming best friends. Hilariousness ensues."

The problem is that very little work is put into a reasonable script as it feels like they simply turned the camera on, and allowed Ferrell and Reilly to riff and improv at will.


3) That all being said, Ferrell and Reilly are both funny individually and also boast a fine comedic chemistry together. This was first seen in "Talladega Nights" and there are definitely several laughs sprinkled through the relatively brief running time (90 minutes) thanks to these men.

But I'm starting to find it disconcerting to watch Ferrell and other comedians pushing 40 years old and above playing such hoplessly stunted adults. It was a lot funnier when they were close to 30 years old, however, it seems a bit sad these days and something which needs to be left behind in the near future.


4) Richard Jenkins and Mary Stenburgeon (sp?) were very good as the parents of Ferrell and Reilly. Jenkins is a master of the slow burn, and his patience is constantly tested by the ridiculous hijinks of his 'boys.' Stenburgeon looks great, and always has a nice empathetic nature to her which works well here.

5) "Step Brothers" was one of the most vulgar comedies I've seen in awhile. There are no characters present who don't toss of "fuck" like it means nothing at all. This is probably why I saw some parent take their 10-year-old son out of the theater and never return.

-BDS

"No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!" - Ben Affleck, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"


Say what you will about his movie choices, Affleck can poke fun at himself with the best of them. But since no prostitutes are in my plans today either, let's instead focus on the hard news stories of the week such as:

Salma Hayek has now called off her engagement to businessman Francois-Henri Pinault. The couple announced their plans to wed in March 2007, and welcomed a daughter, Valentina Paloma Pinault, several months later.

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled," publicist Cari Ross said in a statement. "There will be no further comment."


In a related story, I’m moving to Utah where bigamy can blossom as Hayek might need a shoulder to cry on and a man to wed.

Batman star Christian Bale was arrested Tuesday over allegations of assault involving Bale's mother and sister at the Dorchester Hotel in London on Sunday night, a day before the European premiere of his latest film, "The Dark Knight."

Asked whether Bale was in custody, a police spokesman did not refer to him by name but said: "A 34-year-old man attended a central London police station this morning by appointment and was arrested in connection with an allegation of assault."

Bale has denied the allegations and reports have surfaced that argument began over a request for money by his mother and sister.


I guess this little art-house picture called "The Dark Knight" needed additional publicity to earn a bit of money at the box office.

Jessica Simpson's debut country performance didn't sit well with fans at the Country Thunder USA Festival in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin as the singer was booed as she walked onto the stage wearing Daisy Dukes, a white button-down and cowboy boots.


In fairness, the crowd might have been booing in response to Simpson's role in "The Dukes of Hazzard" or simply her fashion sense.

A court sentenced musician Kid Rock to 12 months probation and six hours of anger management counseling for his involvement in a post-concert fight at a Waffle House near Atlanta last year.

Rock was also sentenced on Monday to 80 hours of community service and fined $1000, according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.


If Rock was lucky, his sentence would have also banned him from eating a Waffle House ever again.

50 Cent has sued Taco Bell, claiming the fast-food restaurant chain is using his name without permission in advertising that asks him to call himself 99 Cent.

The rapper says in a federal lawsuit filed Wednesday that the Mexican-themed chain features him in a print ad asking him to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent. His real name is Curtis Jackson.

Lawyer, Peter D. Raymond, said his client didn't learn about the letter or that he was featured in the ad campaign until he saw a news report about it. Raymond said his client is seeking $4 million in damages.


For even $4 dollars in damages, 50 Cent could purchase everything on the menu at a Taco Bell (and then have his stomach pumped).

Lawyers for Brad Pitt on Thursday threatened legal action against anyone publishing recent photographs they say were taken by paparazzi of the actor and his newly enlarged family at their French estate.

Pictures of Pitt and his family in France were "surreptitiously" snapped using a powerful telephoto lens and sold to an unidentified buyer, the Los Angeles lawyers said in a letter published by the U.S. Web site The Smoking Gun.


I can't wait until these pictures get out because I've never seen shots of Brad and Angelina's family - it's been such a mystery up to this point.

Emmy-winning actress Estelle Getty, best known as a wise-cracking octogenarian on the popular 1980s and '90s sitcom "The Golden Girls," died on Tuesday. She was 84.

"As of 5:35 this morning surrounded by her family in her Hollywood Hills home, Estelle Getty passed away peacefully in her sleep of natural causes," her longtime manager, Alan Siegel, said in a statement.


I always liked Getty and was sad to see her pass on.

But let's not end on a down note, and we'll use this gold image instead:


They say smoking and long legs being wrapped around your throat are bad for your health. I'm not sure they are, however, sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and live a little. So, don't be afraid to find the edge today, remember that 2 is often better than 1 and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the ninth in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

After returning from lunch yesterday, I decided to utilize a back company entrance that was usually empty and quiet since the re-location of the previous business unit to another section of the building. Now, it housed company meetings and yoga and an occasional weirdo from the IT department who always looked guilty when I stumbled upon him.

But this time it was different. I entered my code in the keypad, was granted access and then once I rounded the corner found myself staring into the demented eyes of my CEO - who was also swinging nunchucks and grunting like a diseased rhinoceros.



I was not prepared for this confrontation. I recall vividly that I was spacing out and pondering the relative merits of Megan Fox when my world spun violently backwards and I had to say something in the face of a situation so bizarre that it demanded to be noticed.


"Sorry. I didn't realize you trained back here."

"I don't. I'm preparing for something big."

"What's that?"

(Savagely swinging the nunchucks back and forth)

"I'm testing for my fourth degree black belt next week."

"Wow. You've got me beat - I only have two black belts and one of them has a broken buckle."

This poor attempt at humor fell flat as the grunting and swinging continued in earnest.

"Good luck."

I walked quickly out of the area and made it safely to my office where I made a mental note to abstain from using that entrance for a long while. I plan to demand a raise later this year, however, there is no way to lay that groundwork when a man is working out his aggression in private.

-BDS

Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: If comic books films or simply Batman alone gets you going, then you could justify paying full price due to the quality and the running time of this flick.

If not, a matinee is worthwhile as this film should be viewed on the big screen.

Will I Own It On DVD: Yes.


1) Even the previews were excellent before "The Dark Knight" as studios must have known how much business Batman was going to bring them in terms of exposure, so they trotted our their best material. My favorite was a dyanmic preview for the upcoming James Bond sequel - "Quantum of Solace." Cool film, putrid title.

2) As for "The Dark Knight" itself, the movie is an admirable achievement with loads of action and fine acting jobs turned in by a stellar cast including Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Glynhehall, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine.


3)Bale gives another solid turn as the caped crusader as he looks equally at home hosting a fund-raiser as his alter ego Bruce Wayne or fighting crime in his Batsuit. That being said, there's something about his performance that keeps him distant from the audience, which may have been intended given that Batman is not the most social creature running around on two feet.

The only real problem I had was Batman's voice because once Bale dons the suit, his vocal chords suddenly sound like he swallowed a family of bullfrogs and is chewing glass as he speaks his lines. I found it unintentionally hilarious.


4) Much has already been said about Ledger's performance, and the late actor deserves every accolade. He immerses himself in the role of the Joker, a crazed figure with an insatiable lust for creating anarchy and causing trouble in Gotham. Ledger absolutely disappears behind the Joker's grotesque make-up, and provides another glimpse of the talent that was lost since he is no longer with us.

5) One of the things I admired most about "The Dark Knight" was the unrelentingly grim view it presents. There are moments of hope, however, they are generally overshadowed by forces of darkness and I can't recall a big budget film that manages to provide such fine entertainment when things are so damn bleak.

That being said, there is absolutely no comic book movie that deserves to run for 2 1/2 hours, and the filmmakers could have shaved at least 15 minutes without diminishing the results.

-BDS

"Evian is Naive spelled backwards," - Janine Garofalo, "Reality Bites"


I feel far from naive this morning as I wait for an air conditioner repairman to stop my unit from leaking water. This can only carry a hefty price tag along with the 4 hour service window, but I refuse to dwell on the negative when the week is nearly over.

But before I can flee to cool, dark Irish pub downtown, let's take a look at the hard stories of the week such as:

Angelina Jolie gave birth to son Knox Leon and daughter Vivienne Marcheline by caesarean section at the Lenval hospital in the southern French city of Nice late on Saturday. The doctor who performed the surgery admitted that the situation was challenging.

"It wasn't pressure on a medical level, because I have been practicing for a certain number of years, but it's true that there was pressure due to the couple's fame. I was assisted by a team that was totally competent, so things happened as I wanted them to happen -- simply and efficiently," Michel Sussmann said.


Sussmann added that his only regret was he didn't "have the opportunity to facilitate the pregnancy in the first place." Those dirty Frenchman.

Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright, along with members of a crew filming an Oliver Stone movie, were arrested during a bar fight Saturday morning, police said. Shreveport police Sgt. Willie Lewis said Brolin, Wright and five others were arrested just after 2 a.m. at a club called the Stray Cat bar.

The Times of Shreveport reported that they are part of the crew on an Oliver Stone film, "W," about President George W. Bush.


In Brolin's defense, he was probably method acting and figured that playing the President meant he could never be arrested for any of the horrible things he has done.

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman have broken off their five-year romance, publicists for both said on Monday, ending a relationship that provided fertile ground for outrageous humor.

Kimmel, 40, is host of the late-night ABC television talk show "Jimmy Kimmel Live!", and Silverman, 37, has her own comedy show, "The Sarah Silverman Program," on the cable TV network Comedy Central.


No reasons were given for the split, but it's been rumored that Silverman slept with Matt Damon and Kimmel did the horizontal mambo with Ben Affleck.

The singer and guitarist for the band Barenaked Ladies, Steven Page, has been arrested on drug charges in upstate New York.

Authorities say the arrest occurred at about 2 a.m. after police noticed a suspicious car with its driver's side door left open. They say they found Page and two women in a nearby apartment, along with cocaine and marijuana.


Page was arrested for possession of a controlled substance, however, I was simply disappointed that he wasn't also found with 2 bare naked ladies. Talk about false advertising, eh?

Miley Cyrus told TV Guide this week that she wants to do a "younger, cleaner version of 'Sex and the City.'"

Cyrus previously told Vanity Fair that the HBO series is her favorite show. She later issued a statement clarifying that she only watches the edited, TBS version.


Cyrus later said that she meant to tell TV Guide that she simply wanted to have sex in a city when she was older, but "magazines are always screwing up what I really said."

Andy Dick was arrested in Murietta, CA this week on felony charges of sexual battery, possession of a controlled substance, possession of marijuana and public intoxication after allegedly groping and exposing a 17-year-old restaurant patron.

The arresting officer, Lt. Dennis Vrooman, told E! News he picked up the actor at 1:13 a.m. today outside the Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant and bar after receiving a complaint about a man urinating outside and generally causing a disturbance.

Per the police report, the 42-year-old actor approached two girls outside the restaurant before grabbing and pulling down the tank top and bra of the unidentified 17-year-old.


Let's just run the gamut of Dick jokes: Andy is such a dick, Andy needs to keep his dick in his pants and most people have had more than enough Dick to last a lifetime.

But we won't end with that much Dick, and instead, go with a gold image like:


Sometimes people are not the sum of their parts, and occasionally the opposite is true. So, accentuate your best features today, feel free to shed a layer or two since it's summer and the sun is shining and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

{This is the Twenty-first in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, we celebrated another script revision with a few pitchers of Fat Tire were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}



* Never grocery shop while drunk or stoned unless you want a bill that is double your normal rates.

* If you keep a skunk as a pet, you stink.


* By and large, email forwards are only marginally better than SPAM advertising black market viagra and penile enlargement serum.

* If you start dreaming about waterfalls or hot showers, then you're going to piss in your bed.


* Your porn collection should never exceed your book collection

* If you wear tiny, neon running shorts then you better be sprinting so fast that you don't hear me laughing at you


* A spoiler large enough to house a family of four only spoils the car beneath it.

* Never play cards with a man wearing an eye-patch.

* Raiding the hotel mini-bar by yourself will only leave you broke and ashamed in the morning.

* Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. ~Robert Benchley

-BDS

Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: Hellboy 2: Matinee. But you might justify full price if you still live in your parent's basement and they gave you a bump in allowance for the week. Gonzo: Rental.

Will I Own It On DVD: Hellboy 2: No. Gonzo: For the right price (i.e. heavily discounted).




1) As I've mentioned before, comic book/graphic novel movies aren't my favorite genre, however, I dug "Pan's Labryinth" quite a bit, so I decided to check out Guillermo del Toro's sequel to "Hellboy" despite never viewing the original. I doubt I missed many of the nuances through my decision, although I will rent "Hellboy" at some point in the future.

2) The visual effects for "Hellboy 2" are impressive. If different kinds of monsters, trolls, demons, etc. gets you hot and bothered, then you should run to this flick. A particularly intricate sequence involving a vast catalogue of creatures occurs at a hidden bartering market run by Trolls, and is a visual treat.


3) The main character, Hellboy, is a likable character and one that you can funnel a movie through thanks to his angst, his incredible strength and his love of television, junk food, Tecate beer and pussycats don't hurt either.

4) "Gonzo: The Life and Work of Hunter S. Thompson" is a well-made documentary on the famous writer that serves as both an impressive monument to Thompson's accomplishments as well as a cautionary tale about living your own myth. By rounding out the latter part, it helps distinguish itself from other HST films floating around from years past.


5) The soundtrack is excellent, which makes sense given Thompson's love of music in both his writing and his life. The Rolling Stones, Warren Zevon, Jimmy Buffett, Lyle Lovett, Bob Dylan and many others score the sequences and they definitely aid the on-screen product.

6) It's semi-amazing how many cultural touchstones from the 60s and 70s that Thompson found himself right in the vortex as he rode with the Hells Angels, launched a crusade against Richard Nixon, attended the '68 Democratic convention, took acid with Ken Kesey, lived in the Haight-Ashbury district, and still managed to write "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."

Overall, both "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army" and "Gonzo: The Life and Work of Hunter S. Thompson" were solid matinee choices while the weather sat at 100 degrees in Austin this past weekend.

But if monsters and Gonzo journalists do absolutely nothing for you, then I would recommend saving your money altogether.

-BDS

"Now, that is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly." - Tobey Maguire, "Wonder Boys"


It seems like a slow week in Hollywood, and not simply because I was stranded in all-day meetings which caused me to fall behind on the news front. This happens during the summer when it's too hot to get into too much trouble. Let's hope the winds change soon, but in the meantime, a few things did occur such as:

Cynthia Rodriguez filed for divorce from baseball star Alex Rodriguez alleging infidelity and other "marital misconduct." Madonna was at the center of the divorce controversy as rumors swirled of an affair between her and Alex Rodriguez as well as converting him to the Kaballah religion.

Madonna, who says she knows the Yankee slugger because they have the same manager, has denied being involved in the athlete's split, saying "I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study."



Somehow I bet that 'spiritual path' led straight to Madonna's bed and that A-Rod hit a home run with her. But that's purely speculation.

Britney Spears began shooting a video performance this week for Madonna’s upcoming “Sticky and Sweet” tour, E! Online reports.

In what is being dubbed as a “short movie,” Spears reportedly enters an elevator disguised with a gray hoodie sweatshirt. As the elevator races up, Spears begins to pace back and forth before breaking into a frenzy, smacking the walls and staring into a camera before exclaiming: “It’s Britney, bitch.”


There's no word whether it was the Muzak or Madonna's music which drove Spears crazy behavior in the elevator, but then again, that's a pretty short trip regardless of the soundtrack.

Oscar-winner Nicole Kidman gave birth on Monday to her first biological child, a daughter named Sunday fathered by her husband and country music star Keith Urban.

"Earlier this morning, Nic gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban," Urban announced on his Web site.


Since the birth occurred on a Monday and the baby's name is Sunday, it's obvious that there was no clock or calendar in the delivery room.

Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend, Camila Alves, gave birth their first child Monday night, although the baby's name has yet to be released.


An inside source says McConaughey simply cannot decide between calling their son "Bro," "Buddy" or "Tubular."

Weeks after giving birth to daughter Maddie Briann, Jamie Lynn Spears showed off the newborn on the cover of OK! Magazine where she discussed memories of a "perfect" delivery and her longing to be a Southern soccer mom.

She also said Lynne Spears is a hands-on grandma.

"Mama has been here a bunch," she said. "She wants to see the baby all the time. She told me the doctors are always going to be real strict and tell you, `Don't do this and don't do that.' Just follow your instincts. You're the mother and you know what your baby needs. That's what I've done and it seems to have worked."


Yes - Lynne Spear's parenting work with Britney and Jamie has worked like gangbusters up to this point.

A little more than one week after it began, the divorce trial of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook has come to a sudden end after the warring exes reached a settlement Thursday morning, a source close to the case confirms to PEOPLE.

Earlier in the week, a court-appointed psychiatrist said that Brinkley should get custody of her two youngest children — but she and her narcissistic husband both need therapy. Dr. Stephen Herman, questioned by the children's attorney, Theresa Mari, said the former Sports Illustrated model needs therapy as "an outlet for her anger and feeling of betrayal" by her unfaithful husband.

"I'm not sure I'm a huge fan of psychotherapy. I believe there are other ways to deal with this," Brinkley testified later. But she added that she "would do whatever it takes to convince the court" to grant her custody, even if it means going to therapy.


Just call me Dr. BDS, Christie, and I'll even reduce my rates for the sake of helping people, which is what I do.

As always, let's end with a gold image:


I hate it when you can't bind somebody's hands and leave the room without them trying to alter the foreplay. So, don't turn your back on anyone today, remind yourself to never neglect a naked partner and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

There is less than one hour remaining before my company begins its annual Summer Kick-off meetings. This means I will spend the next 4 days in various sessions which will talk of past accolades with quiet dignity and future goals with realistic certainty.

Actually, it will entail grandiose expectations coupled with insulting pep talks combined with subtle chastising for days on end. Once the meetings conclude, there will be social events where we get to pretend that we didn't just spend the previous 8 hours together and that some kind of bonding will occur that should ultimately affect the bottom line.

Horseshit.


This week already feels about a month long, and I have yet to give my presentation yet. Oh well, that doesn't bother me as I can speak in public without sweating or throwing up, but I have no desire to hear the majority of the other topics being discussed.

Instead, I plan to kill time this week by:

1) Counting the times that the words "Urgency," "Accountability" and "110%" are used.
2) Daydreaming about lounging by the pool and playing games in the water.


3) Thinking of excuses to avoid getting drinks with the out-of-towners following the all-day meetings
4) Avoiding my vice president in the bathroom as he is notoriously chatty man while taking care of his business.
5) Pondering how to steal extra drink tickets at the company meeting
6) Avoiding the weepy woman from human resources
7) Drinking coffee
8) Pretending that the meetings are taking place inside a porno movie which is a suprisingly hilarious way to kill time (just don't mistake reality for porn reality and act on your impulses)
9) Finding a few meaningless questions to ask my boss to show my involvement
10) Scratching off lottery tickets


Wake me when it's over, and if I don't return by Quick Hit Friday, then you'll know that medically speaking you really can die from boredom.

-BDS

"A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner." - Robert De Niro, "Heat"


Friday comes early this week because tomorrow is the 4th of July, and I'm off work and traveling to see family where the Internet does not roam. Luckily, there will be plenty of barbecue, fried chicken, strawberry shortcake and fireworks to take the sting away.

But before I brave the interstate to drive north out of Austin, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:

Verne Troyer - Mini-Me from the "Austin Powers" franchise - temporarily stopped the distribution of a sex tape featuring him and a former girlfriend.

The court ruling prevents any attempt by a porn distributor from taking orders for the full 50-minute video, and keeps TMZ from broadcasting any clips. Troyer's suit also seeks $20 million in damages and the return of all copies of the tape.

The judge wrote that Troyer's motion "demonstrated that he will suffer irreparable harm to his reputation" if the tape is distributed.


The judge neglected to mention the "irreparable harm" that the public would suffer if these were viewed as well, but I bet it was implied in the verdict.

Angelina Jolie checked into a French Riviera hospital this week to await the birth of her twins.

Doctor Michel Sussmann says the 33-year-old actress is doing fine, and that the birth wasn't immediate, but rather it would happen "In the weeks to come."


When asked why Jolie must remain at the hospital, Sussmann replied "If you had Angelina Jolie in a bed, would you let her leave?"

Will Smith's soon-to-open private school - New Village Academy - is not a Scientology facility, as some reports have suggested, the academy's director said.

The school will use instructional methods developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard called study technology. A few teachers belong to the church, however, the director insists the facility has no religious affiliation.

"We are a secular school, and just like all nonreligious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," New Village Academy director Jacqueline Olivier told the Los Angeles Times.


Courses to be offered include Scientology 101, Advanced Scientology, The Passion of L. Ron Hubbard, Creative Writing about Scientology, The films of Tom Cruise, and Physical Education.

Lindsay Lohan's father took a DNA test on Monday to find out if he's the father of a Montana teen as the first photos of his alleged 13-year-old daughter, Ashley, were made public.

"It was a swab, a paternity test," Michael Lohan told the New York Post. "If the test is found to be negative she's gonna be sued for libel and defamation," he told the Post.


If the test is positive, that poor girl should stay in Montana where Lohan might not ruin her ability to live a decent life.

Earlier this month, Jessica Simpson wore a shirt reading "Real Girls Eat Meat," which many people interpreted as a dig against her boyfriend, Tony Romo's former flame Carrie Underwood. This past week, Pamela Anderson ripped Simpson's wardrobe choice during a radio interview in Australia.

She says of Jessica, "I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."



The only reasonable way to settle this dispute is Jell-o wrestling because that is a neutral surface for both vegetarians and carnivores.

As always, let's end with a bang and a gold image like:


I'll refrain from any pearl necklace jokes because they're too easy. So, take the road less traveled today, look up to the sky if you have the chance, enjoy the holiday tomorrow and . . . Happy Early Friday & Happy 4th of July!

-BDS