I took a long lunch yesterday to visit a particularly merciless Russian woman for a deep-tissue massage.
It was a long overdue experience. Lifting weights five days a week and then sitting in an office chair all day long will put your body in knots and bunch your muscles tighter than Lindsay Lohan’s hands if you attempted to pry a coke straw from them.
This woman is brutal. She is not without humor, but the entire session consists of her digging her massive elbows and rough, powerful hands into me while I curse and sweat on soft cotton sheets – a combination I usually enjoy when engaging in other activities. But not when this powerful woman is working me over.
There is no relaxation, and the sessions are utterly devoid of any sexual connotations. I was thinking yesterday that this is actually a great thing as far as the looks of the masseuse is concerned. Many male friends of mine always claim they want a really good-looking woman to massage them, but I think that is far better in theory than in reality. 
When put to a real world test, I believe an attractive masseuse can only lead to dissatisfaction, lack of relaxation and potential embarrassment.
Why?
1) Dissatisfaction – This could likely occur because you try to dazzle this attractive masseuse with your keen intellect and wit while she rubs you down. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, however, the dissatisfaction rears its ugly head when it never leads to anything more because it’s not one of those kinds of massage parlors and this isn’t a porno movie.
2) Lack of Relaxation – You can’t relax because her attractiveness causes your male instincts to be alert, tense and ready for action (which is as we walked through above will NOT happen). Even if you were only getting a light, Swedish massage, it’s difficult if not impossible to drift away to a fully relaxed plane when you are acutely aware that a hot woman is rubbing you down with oil.
3) Embarrassment – Due to the combination of attractiveness, rubbing and oil mentioned above, the potential for erections is high (pun intended). This only makes everyone uncomfortable. Trust me.
So, in the end, I think this fantasy of the hot masseuse should stay firmly locked away inside fantasy land where it can reside next to the hot nurse taking your blood pressure and right behind you delivering a pizza to a lingerie-clad slumber party.
-BDS
Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: Matinee. You could, however, justify springing for full price if you were going with a big group of friends and wanted to laugh with an even larger theater full of strangers.
Will I Own It On DVD: Maybe. If I can get it for a good price (i.e. $15 or under), then I will probably buy it one day. 
1) "The Hangover" started generating buzz as the summer's breakout comedy ( a la 'Wedding Crashers' a few years ago) recently, and while it is a consistently funny project, I would still keep my expectations in check because I didn't find it quite as amusing as 'Crashers' or 'Old School,' the latter of which was also directed by 'The Hangover's' Todd Phillips.
2) That being said, there are plenty of laughs to be had from this movie where four friends go to Vegas for a bachelor party (nothing original there), but then things turn ugly and challenging when the groom goes missing and nobody can remember what happened the night before which leads to an interesting romp around Sin City while searching for clues about exactly what happened the night before. It's the structure which allows the audience to discover along with the cast about the night's events that takes an underwhelming premise, and elevates the material into a far more interesting film.
3) The other is the cast of characters, which is led by the trio of Bradley Cooper ('Wedding Crashers') Stu Helms (TV's 'The Office') and Zach Galifianakis (comedian). One of the smartest decisions the director makes is to lose the groom for the vast part of the running time as he is by far the blandest of the four friends, and quite honestly, I never really cared if he was found.
4) Galifianakis really steals the show as the beared weirdo who tags along because he's the brother of the bride. His bizarre gonzo vibes give the movie an edge because like the characters in the movie, viewers also never know what he might do next, but odds are that it will be funny. 
5) "The Hangover" is a deserving R-rated comedy that delivers laughs throughout its running time. It's also got a semi-dark edge to it that keeps the action interesting, but never pushes things too far where you begin to feel dirty just by watching it (see "Very Bad Things" or better yet, don't). The cast works well together from the leads all the way to the extended cameos (Heather Graham, Mike Tyson) and as the summer temperatures rise, you could do a lot worse than spending 1 hour and 40 minutes trying to piece together what happened during the course of one night in Vegas.
{Editor's Note: It's worth staying through the end credits they flash stills of the night in question which fleshes things out and is also funny.}
-BDS
“Mr.McAllister. Mr.McAllister. Somebody's torn down my poster. It's not fair. Can I get an A? Can I get a recommendation? Can I? Can I? Fuck them.” – Matthew Broderick, “Election” 
This film is the best thing Reese Witherspoon’s ever done, and the second best for Matthew Broderick (behind ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’). I hope the best thing I’m going to do is still yet to come, although whatever that may be will certainly not happen today. Today, I plan to be gone by 3 p.m. unless something goes awry, but before that can happen, let’s look at the hard stories of the weeks such as:
During the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night, Sascha Baron Cohen – dressed in a thong as his fashion designer character ‘Bruno’ – flew into the theater and landed his bare ass straight onto rapper Eminem.
After the prank, Eminem and his entourage appeared to leave in a huff without a word to Cohen or the cameras. Since the show, there has been wide speculation that Eminem was in on the stunt and it was staged to attract attention, and all signs point to the rapper being in on the joke. 
Regardless, if the real Slim Shady had simply stood up, he could have avoided a face full of ass.
Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez were spotted getting cozy last month at a restaurant in New York City, and now a source confirms they are dating.
"It's somewhat serious," the source tells PEOPLE in its upcoming issue. "He introduced her to a bunch of his friends."
Hudson has also been seen at several Yankees games lately cheering on A-rod. For one of the games, she sent her son Ryder and his nanny to the ballpark while she "stayed behind and watched the game from the hotel," adds the eyewitness. "She remarked several times about what a big baseball fan she is!"
The eyewitness later expanded Hudson’s interest to “really any sport that involves balls.”
The Jonas Brothers and their mother, Denise, are on the cover of Good Housekeeping's July issue, and in the article their mother discusses her son’s sexuality. Seriously.
Speaking about her sons' chastity vows, Denise said: ”They are men. They have desires. They have testosterone. . . “ 
I didn’t realize that Joe Simpson had had started managing the Jonas Brothers too.
Teenage actress and singer Miley Cyrus has signed up to star in a fourth series of the hit US show Hannah Montana, according to reports.
The Hollywood Reporter said the 16-year-old will begin filming at the beginning of next year, and prior to the deal it was not clear whether Cyrus would make anymore Montana shows for the Disney channel. 
After the contract was signed, Mickey Mouse removed his homemade knife from Miley’s throat, and whispered “tell no one” before leaving out the back door.
Universal Studios picked up the movie rights to the popular children's book series “Where’s Waldo” from Classic Media with the aim of making a live-action family film.
The film project will be produced by Chris Meledandri's Illumination Entertainment, and the plot of that project revolved around a 30-year-old Waldo who travels through time after accidentally activating a malfunctioning travel machine.
The answer to “Where’s BDS” can only be anywhere except a theater where this movie is playing.
Heidi and Spencer Pratt walked off then back on and maybe back off (who knows at press time) of the show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" this week.
"I'm a Celebrity" airs from the Costa Rican jungle, with semi-famous people competing for food, supplies, money for their chosen charities — and TV screen-time. But Pratt and Montag quickly became fed up as Spencer explained, "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi."
"We're gonna miss you guys," Heidi told the cast. "But call us when you get back to LA."
The only thing I wouldn't miss about Pratt and Montag is a TV show where they got run over by a bulldozer - I would make sure to watch that.
LeAnn Rimes was accused of stalking her former co-star and alleged marital affair guy, Eddie Cibrian, this week as Cibrian’s wife told US Weekly that the country singer won’t let him go.
“LeAnn is a stalker,” she said. “She refuses to leave us alone – it is shameful and scary. People are going to say it takes two to tango and I get that, but at some point LeAnn needs to stop asking him to dance."
Rimes responded that she never tangos, but some dirty two-stepping might be another matter entirely.
As always, let’s end with a gold image or three:
These women all seem vaguely related or maybe it’s just because they are all in various states of undress while lounging around without a care in the world. That’s where I want to be too. So, cast aside any negative tones today, feel free to shed some clothing and . . . Happy Friday!!!
-BDS
OK. I've got little to no time this morning as I'm about to run off to all-day meetings which should last through tomorrow, but which will mercifully end before Quick Hit Friday.
But I read something this morning (in GQ, not some crazy fan stalker site) that reaffirms my current belief that Megan Fox is likely the best person walking around on the planet right this second (with firm apologies to my wife and my mother).
When asked about Olivia Wilde (TV's "House), Fox said: "So sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox."
Seriously. Just phenomenal.
The other reasons are more traditionally visual:
{Editor's Note: It's unclear whether Fox read all these books, however, I'm betting against it.}
Here's to a quick couple of days for everyone.
-BDS
Worth Full-Price, Matinee or Rental: Matinee. Unless the sight of explosions turns on the inner pyro lurking inside you, then I would suggest a matinee or even a rental, which would probably be the best option.
Will I Own It On DVD: No. I could generally care less if I ever see this again, although I might watch part of it on cable if I was flipping channels some lazy afternoon. 
1) "Terminator Salvation" is a solid entry into the popular franchise, a film that adheres to the precedent of the first two films, but one which doesn't further the mythology in any tangible way beyond a few faint glimmers that are never fully realized. It is an extremely loud (explosions, gunfire) and overly serious endeavor and the latter choice certainly sucks some of the fun out of the project. 
2) This bleak tone also manifests itself in the look of the movie as it is shot in muted colors and washed-out vistas signifying a future (year 2018) that is largely a desolate wasteland after being blown away by computer-generated killing machines. A human movement - the Resistance - still fights the machines led by its prophesized (sp?) leader John Connor (Christian Bale).
3) I'm tired of Christian Bale. He's a good actor, one of the best working today, but like the movie itself, he seems utterly lacking in any good humor. I get that you're an intense actor who is committed to your craft, but lightening up once in awhile or taking on a different role couldn't hurt. That being said, he is perfectly fine in 'Salvation' as he mainly has to yell, shoot guns and give orders, a trifecta right up his alley. 
4) Sam Worthington, a newcomer from Austrailia who is supposed to break out soon with more starring roles, is actually a more interesting character as a half-human, half-machine made by Skynet, but one who can possibly help save the Resistance. He goes toe-to-toe with Bale, and doesn't shrink as many actors might back down. Worthington gives a very watchable performance that reeks of future potential.
5) The director of 'Terminator Salvation' is McG, a man who is somewhat of a joke because of his name and because his main credits prior to this film were music videos and Charlie Angels movie franchise. Many people were hoping he would fall flat on his face with 'Salvation,' but he doesn't. He has crafted a servicable movie that is never inspired, but only rarely awful. I suppose that in itself is a small victory, but for me, this movie left little to no impression and for that reason, I'd say there's no real rush to run out and see it.
-BDS
“It's something, isn't it? Hundred bucks, all in - not counting my labor, and the... cost of the dildo. Those things aren't cheap.” – George Clooney, “Burn After Reading” 
‘Burn’ was a lightweight, mostly enjoyable movie and the mechanical dildo contraption that Clooney builds is truly something to behold. I can’t build much of anything, so I think I’ll leave that kind of stuff to the pros, and instead, focus on making a few calls and sending even more emails and then hightailing it out of the office for the weekend.
But before that can occur, let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Brooke Shields told Health magazine for their June issue that her biggest regret was not having sex sooner.
"I think I would have had sex a lot earlier," said Shields. "I think I would have been much more in touch with myself."
If this sentiment had been conveyed to my high school girlfriend, then I would have touched myself a whole lot less.
Adam Lambert told People magazine this week that he welcomes questions about his sexual orientation.
Lambert, 27, who finished second to Kris Allen in the show that ended May 20, said he has a message for those ongoing speculations about his sexuality, "Calm down," he says, and "keep speculating."
He later added “But the people frequenting highway rest stops know the score.”
Ashton Kutcher threatened to leave Twitter this week after the social-networking service announced Monday it was in talks to develop an unscripted series based on the site.
"It's all fun and games until somebody gets stalked," Kutcher posted Monday on Twitter. "I really don't like being sold out. May have to take a Twitter hiatus."
Seems only fair, I’ve been on a Kutcher hiatus for years and years.
Jessica Simpson is rumored to be starring in another reality series later this year about the beauty issues women face in today’s society, according to US Weekly.
“The Price of Beauty,” as the show may be potentially called, would center around Simpson and a friend on a trip around the world to explore different beauty standards. 
For Simpson, the price of beauty includes receiving lewd comments about your breasts from your own father, which is a high cost indeed.
Actor Mel Gibson, who is going through a divorce from his wife of 28 years, confirmed to Jay Leno on Monday that his Russian girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is expecting their baby.
"This is true," Gibson said during an appearance on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno." When asked about the status of the baby’s gender, Gibson, 53, replied: "A human being, I think." 
Meanwhile, teams of Hollywood Scientologists are hoping the opposite is true.
In other baby news, Brazilian supermodel and Victoria's Secret Angel Adriana Lima announced that she and her husband, NBA player Marko Jaric, are expecting their first child together.
"Adriana and Marko are overjoyed that they are expecting their first child together and are excited to share the happy news and start their family together," say reps. 
Marko is also overjoyed that his pact with the Devil to keep this Angel is still intact, the lucky dog.
After three months of laying low after his felony charges for allegedly assaulting Rihanna, Chris Brown broke his silence this week in a short video posted on YouTube.com.
The R&B star, 20, speaks to the camera about his upcoming album and makes an apparent allusion to the drama in his personal life.
"I just wanna say 'What up?' because I ain't been out there in a minute," says Brown before talking about an upcoming album and then concluding with “Everybody that's haters, they just been haters. All my real fans, I love you all. I ain't a monster." 
When asked what he’s been doing these past 3 months, Brown replied “attending advanced English classes.”
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:
Black and white and gold work for me today, and a bit of oil to showcase the parts doesn’t hurt either. So, don’t be afraid to arch your back and lube yourself up, realize that a well-intentioned grope can benefit everyone involved and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
I wouldn’t recommend talking to a recruiter for the first time while sitting on a shaded patio on the Friday afternoon before Memorial Day weekend, two ice-cold Harps already consumed and another one steadily declining in value.
The ambient noise alone is barely conducive to serious human conversation, much less business talk where I was supposed to be selling myself, my accomplishments and my track record as a man not to be ignored when it came to her time. That’s the thing about recruiters – it all boils down to their time and once they feel you are no longer an ideal fit for the job or someone who would embarrass them in front of a client, then they will disappear down a rabbit hole, never to be heard from again.
She was on the West Coast, so it was only 1:45 p.m. PST and I guess it was still reasonable to try to find people. But her call surprised me and since I couldn’t manage to gracefully exit the conversation, I found myself walking to a quiet corner to brag in subtle yet confident tones and supply answers that would grant me access past her gatekeeper function.
Strangely enough, 2.5 drinks is a damn near ideal amount of alcohol to further your own opinion of yourself while limiting any shades of self-doubt. It also means you are not slurring your words, which is certainly a bonus.
Anyway, I was waxing eloquently about my career trajectory (up, always up, never tell them any different), leaning heavily on this past year where things went especially well despite brutal economic conditions, and I could tell that I had her attention – at least until she asked me if I could send her a W2 to verify my claims.
I cleared my throat, let the conversation pause an extra beat or two before replying: “Sure, but I don’t usually do that without an warrant from the FBI, and it’s been years since those guys had me on their radar.” 
Nothing. Silence.
“That was a joke,” I said, knowing full well that anytime you have to explicitly state something was a joke, then you damn well know it wasn’t a good one.
She finally responded by switching topics, and we talked for another five minutes. At the end, I agreed to send her my resume and she would get back in touch if there might be a match. I sincerely doubted I’d ever hear from her again.
But yesterday afternoon, I got another call and she was going to recommend they interview me for the position. So, maybe 2.5 drinks and a shady patio do provide a fine backdrop for an interview, although I would suggest leaving any poor and misguided attempts at humor out of the conversation.
-BDS
“I'll tell you somethin', I hate the fuckin' 90's.” – Mickey Rourke, “The Wrestler” 
“The Wrestler” was an excellent film, and now that it’s out on DVD, I’d recommend a rental to anyone. I, however, have no plans to roll around on the mat with other guys today (or any other day for that matter), and instead, will start my weekend early since I took the day off from work.
But before I go buy food to grill, tonic for the gin, ‘Casablanca’ movie tickets for a downtown screening and hit the gym, let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:
TMZ announced this week that Mel Gibson and his girlfriend, singer Oksana Grigorieva, are having a baby. Gibson's girlfriend is in her second trimester and living in a house Gibson bought for her.
Gibson meanwhile continues living out his out his mid-life crisis on a national stage.
“Sex and the City" star Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to girlfriend Christine Marinoni at a gay rights rally this past weekend.
Nixon, 43, told the crowd at a "Love Peace and Marriage Equality" rally in New York that she and Marinoni got engaged last month and planned to marry, Access Hollywood said. Nixon and Marinoni, an education activist, have been together for about 5 years. 
Wait a second, that’s not a man standing next to Nixon? In any event, congratulations are certainly in order.
Alec Baldwin apologized this week for making a joke about getting a Filipino mail-order bride that provoked a sharp response in the Philippines.
The actor quipped during a May 12 interview “The Late Show with David Letterman” that h would love to have more children and that he was "thinking about getting a Filipino mail-order bride at this point ... or a Russian one."
Philippine Sen. Ramon Revilla said Monday that Baldwin's comment was "insensitive and uncalled for." He also threatened him with a beating and said the actor is apparently unaware that the Philippines has a law against mail-order brides.
This story really sounds like an episode of "30 Rock," so it's hard to take it seriously.
Woody Allen agreed Monday to a $5 million settlement in his lawsuit accusing American Apparel concerning their use of an image parodying him as a rabbi without his permission.
Both sides announced the settlement on the morning a trial was to start in federal court in Manhattan. Allen said he hoped the outcome "would discourage American Apparel or anyone else from ever trying such a thing again."
Personally, having Allen endorse any line of clothing would discourage me from buying it, so it’s unclear why American Apparel ever tested these waters.
Jessica Biel told Allure magazine this week that being attractive make life so damn hard for her. Seriously.
"It really is a problem, I have to be blunt," she told the magazine about being so attractive. The star was quoted for a story in the June issue of the magazine. 
I also have to be blunt: if you weren’t so attractive, then you wouldn’t be working in Hollywood anyway, so count your blessings.
Michael Jackson's representatives announced Wednesday that the elusive King of Pop will postpone several of his London comeback shows scheduled for this summer.
The delays are likely to fuel speculation that Jackson is suffering from health ailments that may curtail his comeback bid, but Kenny Ortega, Jackson's collaborator, said the change is needed to deliver a flawless production.
"We apologize to all disappointed Michael Jackson fans and remain extremely dedicated and focused on creating an exceptional live music experience," he said. 
Apparently, there’s no truth to rumors that the delays stemmed from problems spraying on his beard and finding the exact location of his nose.
Patrick Swayze, whose battle with pancreatic cancer was first announced last year, denied a false rumor that was widely circulated Tuesday morning saying the actor had passed away, the actor's rep said.
"This is to confirm that Patrick Swayze did not pass away this morning contrary to severely reckless reports stemming from a radio station in Jacksonville, Florida," says Annett Wolf. "Patrick Swayze is alive, well and is enjoying his life and he continues to respond to treatment."
Personally, I don’t find these health watch stories amusing, so I just hope they stop, and in the interim, rent ‘Road House’ if you want some entertainment.
A South Beach store owned by reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her sisters was vandalized this week, according to police.
Miami Beach Police spokeswoman Deborah Doty said Tuesday that a section of the front window of the store, Dash Miami, was scratched and the letters "GUK" were painted in black on the window frame.
On her Web site Kourtney Kardashian said that a store employee discovered the vandalism, and that the graffiti wasn't targeting her sister Kim.
But Kourtney did acknowledge that the giant rubber mannequin ass left at the scene with a knife sticking out of the crack was “a little bit suspicious”
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two or four:
Sometimes, quantity DOES matter. Not often. But it’s a long weekend and why not end with a bonus image? So, don’t be afraid to add fuel to the fire, feel free to use latex at every turn this weekend and . . . Happy Friday & Memorial Day Weekend!
-BDS
{This is the 27th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I had several old friends in town who I had not seen for durations spanning two to five years, so there was lots of celebrating with far too much Fat Tire, Anchor Steam, Vanilla Porter, Spaten and Sam Adams Summer Ale consumed which which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* Re-living old stories with old friends is simpler than making new ones, because now, everyone gets too tired too quickly to create them as easily.
* Regardless, the new ones cannot begin to form until all the small children are stowed away in their respective hotel rooms.
* Although hangovers are impossible to erase, you can undercut all of them with sex and a fried egg sandwich the next day, possibly even at the same time.
* Always buy your recently struggling friends as many rounds as possible without making any mention of it.
* Houseguests are far more enjoyable to have around late at night versus the morning
* Never run out of beer, water, aspirin, and especially toilet paper with guests in town. 
* It is never a good idea to watch pornography with a room full of guys.
* I swear that more than half the female groups I see at bars downtown are mainly there to document the night for their Facebook pages versus being available for conversation
* When guests leave, the floor is ALWAYS sticky and it’s never clear exactly how it happened
* There are few things lonlier than being hungover on a Monday morning.
* “Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” – Frank Sinatra
-BDS
