"Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky.” – John C. Reilly, ‘Step Brothers’
I’m not entirely sure just how universal that is, however, I do like me some beef jerky now and again.
Anyway, before I hit the door by 4 pm and enjoy the balmy 98 degree temperature outside (finally under 100), let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Tiger Woods and his Swedish wife Elin Nordegren finalized their divorce this week.
Terms were not disclosed, however, a statement from their lawyers read: "We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future.”
Off-record, Nordegren elaborated with, “Yeah, I wish that cheating bastard the very best with his future whores, porn stars, nightclub workers and pancake house waitresses who he chooses to bang. I’ll just lie naked on my pile of divorce money.”
{Editor’s Note: The above statement was not found on the court records.}
Lindsay Lohan was released early from rehab on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, a judge gave her a rigorous probation program: four psychotherapy sessions, two addiction counseling sessions and five 12-step meetings a week.
He also dismissed two cocaine charges from her back-to-back 2007 DUI cases and said she can go on unsupervised probation in November if she follows the rules.
"It appears she is very serious about her sobriety," Superior Court Judge Elden Fox said.
Lohan's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, said: "She looks forward to proving to the court and (prosecutors) that she is serious...She has learned her lesson and wants to move on in a positive way."
Lohan later Tweeted: “As long as I don’t test POSTIVE on a future drug test, I’ll be moving on all right. Sniff.”
Paris Hilton called police on Tuesday after seeing a man wielding two large knives and banging on her windows outside her Los Angeles home. Seriously.
"So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting him," Hilton said in a Twitter message.
Police confirmed they had arrested a man in his 40s who appeared to have been trying to break in. 
Sounds like the company currently suing Hilton for not wearing their hair extensions (see last week’s QHF) sent out an enforcer to take off her illegal extensions once and for all.
Heidi Montag spoke out this week amidst her impending divorce from Spencer Pratt to tell Life & Style magazine that she also wants to get rid of her G-sized breast implants.
Montag said: "I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D."
In other words, Montag wants to broaden her career prospects from Porn Star to Porn Star and/or Stripper. Good choice Heidi.
Anna Paquin married her True Blood co-star Stephen Moyer this week.
The couple exchanged vows in a romantic sunset ceremony at a private residence in California. Guests included co-stars from the vampire drama including Sam Trammell and Carrie Preston as well as Elijah Wood.
When asked how the ceremony, most respondents agreed that it Sucked.
Jennifer Aniston finalized a deal to guest star on her former "Friends" star Courteney Cox's current television comedy series, "Cougar Town," this week.
Aniston will appear in the show's second-season premiere airing September 22. She will play a therapist giving advice to Cox's character.
Someone desperately needs to give Aniston advice on choosing her movie career, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed.
Pop star George Michael pleaded guilty Tuesday to drug offenses and a judge suspended his license for six months.
This stemmed from an incident where Michael crashed into a photo shop and was found slumped at the wheel. In court, Michael admitted driving under the influence of drugs and possession of cannabis following the July 4 crash.
"It is a serious matter. Your driving was extremely poor and there was an accident," said Judge Robin McPhee. 
Stop being my Father Figure,” Michaels shouted at the judge, who replied, “If you want your Freedom Mr. Michael, then get the Monkey Off Your Back and have some Faith in yourself man.”
{Editor’s Note: I’ve used some version of that line in the past, however, I can’t think of anything Michaels has done in the past decade except get in vehicular accidents while on drugs. Selah.}
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:
It’s still hot as hell in Austin, so some water and gauzy sheets and nudity would all be welcomed. So, beat the heat today, indulge inside or out and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
“I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me.” – Sly Stallone, ‘Rambo: First Blood’
I had to give some acknowledgment to Sly for coming in Number 1 last week at the box office with ‘The Expendables.’ At some point, I will see that guilty pleasure, probably at the theater in town where you can get a beer along with your movie ticket.
Personally, I’ll try to stay above the law this weekend, but before I hit the door by 4 p.m. and brave the 103 degree temperature, let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Mel Gibson was uninjured after crashing his sports car into a Malibu hillside this week.
Gibson's spokesman Alan Nierob said that the actor-director was doing fine, and that authorities do not suspect alcohol was involved.
Road rage against women, Jews, African-Americans, whores and people in general, however, has not been ruled out as a cause.
Betty White announced this week that she will write two books reflecting on everything from aging, sex and her animal friends at the zoo.
"Much as I love what I do for a living in show business, I love writing even more -- so I am thrilled to be working on not only one new book but two of them," White said. 
I would follow White almost anywhere – except if she combines sex, aging and animals into a singular story. I sincerely hope that is not the case.
Michael Douglas announced he has throat cancer and will undergo eight weeks of radiation and chemotherapy this week.
Douglas is expected to make a full recovery, and told People.com he's "very optimistic."
I really hope that is the case because nobody says “Greed is good” quite as well as Douglas.
Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, was killed in a single-car accident Monday in Los Angeles.
Ryan performed 10 plastic surgery procedures on Montag, 23, in one day last year.
"I am devastated to hear the news of Dr. Frank Ryan's death," Montag wrote on Twitter. "He was the most amazing person I have ever known. He was an angel and changed my life and the lives of everyone he met. He was the most brilliant talented surgeon who will ever exist. Dr. Frank Ryan changed the world."
I refuse to laugh at anyone’s untimely demise, but Montag is another matter entirely, so I think her statement is a bit grandiose and “Dr. Frank Ryan changed my entire face and body so much that my own mother doesn’t even recognize me” is actually more accurate.
‘Jersey Shore’ star Snooki was charged with disorderly conduct and creating a public nuisance at a court hearing this, but prosecuters also added another charge to her list: annoying people on a beach.
Seriously. That is a crime in New Jersey.
Snooki’s attorney, however, entered not guilty pleas to all three charges, which relate to an arrest July 30 for being intoxicated in public.
Snooki better hope that the judge doesn’t allow the prosecution to show every single episode of ‘Jersey Shore’ or she will be found guilty as charged for annoying people on the beach, on the street and virtually anywhere on the planet.
Steven Tyler -- frontman for Aerosmith, - was officially added as an "American Idol" judge this week. 
Fox had planned to add a female judge following the departure of Paula Abdul and Ellen Degeneres over the past two years, however, in their negotiation meetings, Tyler’s reps kept insisting that the ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady.’
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two: 
I’m all about secrets and today, I guess dark hair is dominating the action. So, whisper sweet nothings to a friend of your choice, don’t concern yourself with putting on all your clothes and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
“It’s all ball bearings these days!” – Chevy Chase, ‘Fletch’
I’ve heard there are actually t-shirts with that statement printed on them, although there are so many great lines from ‘Fletch’ that it’s hard to really pick the best one.
Anyway, I plan to get my bearings straight today and get out of the office by 4 p.m. and watch a baseball game in the August heat, but before that happens, let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Laurence Fishburne's daughter - Montanna – has decided to star in a porn flick for exposure. Seriously.
TMZ.com reported that the Fisbourne’s friends tried to offer Vivid Entertainment $1 million to stop shipment of the DVDs, however, Vivid president Steve Hirsch told TMZ "it was too late. We continue to have the utmost respect for all involved."
Montana told TMZ she is glad the tapes will still hit shelves Tuesday.
"This is something I want to do," she said. "I know they're doing it out of concern for me, but I want people to see it. I want people to buy my movie, so I am happy they didn't buy it all.”
Unlike Morpehus in the ‘Matrix’ movies, I bet Fishbourne wasn’t nearly so excited about people being offered the “Blue Pill” on the set of Montana’s movie.
Jennifer Lopez will not be the next ‘American Idol’ judge it was reported this week.
People magazine reported Wednesday that Lopez’s demands were too great.
"Her demands got out of hand," a source told People. "Fox had just had enough."
The tipping point was when her Ass demanded it’s own trailer and entourage.
Bill O'Reilly went after Jennifer Aniston this week after the actress said that women don’t need men to have kids.
On a press tour for her new movie – ‘The Switch’ – Anniston said: “Women are realizing it more and more knowing that they don't have to settle with a man just to have that child."
O’Reilly became inflamed by that and stated on his show that: "She's throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that, 'Hey you don't need a guy. You don't need a dad,'" he ranted on his FOX News show this week. "That is destructive to our society."
If Aniston is considered destructive to our society, then O’Reilly’s gas-bag proclamations pose an imminent threat which could destroy the entire planet. It’s all relative . . .
Paris Hilton is being sued for allegedly wearing someone else's hair extensions. Seriously.
Hairtech International is seeking $35 million dollars in damages for fraud as they claim that Paris Hilton breached her contract to wear and promote their product when she sported the fake locks of a competitor in 2008.
Hilton was busted when she forgot to cut the tags off her extensions before leaving her mansion to go clubbing.
Levi Johnston was peddling a reality TV show this week to networks that would have him running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska – the same office that Sarah Palin once held. Seriously.
The show's announcement came a few days after Bristol Palin broke off her second engagement to Johnston citing his insatiable thirst for the limelight.
"The more I think about it and look into it, I think there's a possibility we can make it happen," Johnston told Variety.com.
I never actually thought I would side with Sarah Palin on any subject or issue, however, I am in agreement that Johnston is an incredible douchebag.
It was announced this week that Britney Spears will cameo in an episode of TV musical comedy "Glee" that will be devoted to the pop star's music.
"Britney, I think 100 percent, is going to be on the episode. She is going to join us for a couple of scenes," ‘Glee’ creater Ryan Murphy said in an interview with Los Angeles DJ Ryan Seacrest.
Murphy did not say what character Spears, 28, would play in the episode, which he described as "reverential...and so kind...We are handling Britney with kid gloves".
The use of gloves is largely due to Spears being constantly covered with a fine layer of Cheeto dust.
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:
Skin tones can vary, but the showing of skin is a very good thing. So bare a little epidermis today, wear a big smile while doing it and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
“How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?” – Kevin Spacey, ‘The Usual Suspects’
Spacey is phenomenal in that movie, and the entire cast is top-notch along with the script. The ‘Usual Suspects’ also seemed fitting for this week’s stories since Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen and others are recurring characters around here. Selah.
Anyway, before I hit the door by 4 p.m., let’s look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Lindsay Lohan was released from jail this week and sent straight to a rehab facility.
Lohan served 14 days of a 90-day sentence, getting out early because of jail overcrowding.
Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said that "she has been sent directly to her next destination, which is a treatment center, and she will now be under the supervision of the LA County Probation Department."
Lohan’s parents stated that “it’s finally good Lindsay will be under the supervision of somebody, anybody.”
Charlie Sheen reached a plea deal with prosecutors this week that will allow him to avoid jail time for a Christmas Day assault on his wife and also won't require him to do his public service close to Aspen.
Sheen pleaded guilty Monday to misdemeanor third-degree assault in exchange for prosecutors dropping two other more serious charges, including a felony charge of menacing. He was sentenced to 30 days in a rehabilitation center, 30 days of probation and 36 hours of anger management.
Sheen's attorney, Yale Galanter, said the actor has already spent 93 days at Promises this year and the center could choose to credit that time toward his sentence.
This doesn’t seem entirely fair since Sheen spends at least ¼ of every year at a rehab center, but then again, supposedly justice is blind.
Justin Bieber – 16 year old pop start – signed a deal with HarperCollins to publish an illustrated memoir titled "Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story.”
The book is due out in October in both the United States and United Kingdom.
"Every day I wake up and count my blessings," Bieber said in the statement. "My fans have played such a large part in all of this and they help me live my dreams every day. I'm excited to share just a little bit more of my world with them through this book."
Every day I wake up and feel blessed that I will never have to read Bieber’s memoir nor listen to his music.
In other music news, Lady Gaga poses nearly nude on the forthcoming issue of ‘Vanity Fair’ and inside talks about her sex drive.
Gaga told the magazine that she avoids having sex because she is afraid of depleting her creative energy. “I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my [technical name for private parts],” she admits.
Am I the only one who finds Gaga pretty damn unattractive when stripped of her crazy outfits? If not, that might also have something to do with her lack of sexual activity.
{Editor's Note: She does look pretty good on that cover.}
Three weeks after announcing their re-engagement, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston called it off again this week, according to People magazine.
"He's just obsessed with the limelight," Bristol Palin said in a teary interview, "and I got played."
But Johnston's lawyer said he doubts the couple is truly broken up for good. "These young folk have a lot of pressure on them right now," said Rex Butler. "All you have to do is watch that show 'Bridezillas' -- it's on and off, on and off, depending on the pressures."
How do you say White Trash in Wasillian?
Gisele Bundchen gave an interview to Harper’s Bazaar this week where she stated some very strong views on the virtues of breastfeeding.
Bundchen told the British magazine that all women should be forced to breast-feed.
"I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breast-feed their babies for six months," said Bundchen, 30.
I’m in semi-agreement with Bundchen as I think there should be a worldwide law that Bundchen should breastfeed for six months every year, and also not discriminate against anyone based on age, race or sexual orientation.
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:
Life is all about angles or at least partially. So, know your good side today, flaunt it out in the open and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{Editor's Note: I will be catching up on blogs this weekend. Again.}
