"Without spontaneity the world of B&B's is virtually meaningless," - Richard Jenkins, 'Flirting with Disaster'
It's hard to argue with logic like that, and if you haven't seen 'Disaster' (as many haven't), it's a sneaky funny little movie that is well worth a rental. Anyway, this is an early holiday weekend post as I'll be in the mountains until Monday trying my hardest to suck up as much red and green chile-flavored food as I can. I'll be hiking a lot as well.
But before I leave for the airport, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:
A judge ordered Lindsay Lohan to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet at a hearing Monday, and the actress will also be subject to weekly random drug testing and she must refrain from both if she wants to stay out of jail.
After Judge Revel set the conditions, Lohan's attorney said her client "is prepared to demonstrate by action that she's going to comply with all court orders." 
The judge should save me the effort of writing another QHF item in 2, 4 or 6 weeks, and simply send Lohan to jail now because she'll never make it cold turkey.
During his interview with 'Nightline' this week - his first since his break-up with Sandra Bullock - Jesse James said that he wanted to get caught cheating.
"When I was doing it, you know, one, I knew it was horrible. It made me feel horrible," James said. "And two, I knew I would get caught eventually, and I think I wanted to get caught." "I don't think I know for a fact now what it was, you know. I mean, it was me trying to self-sabotage my life."
Mission Accomplished Jesse - mission accomplished.
Nicole Scherzinger won 'Dancing with the Stars' this week as she beat out ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and Olympic figure skater Evan Lysacek for the title.
"I was genuinely surprised," the Pussycat Doll told 'Good Morning America.'
I was shocked: A semi-professional dancer for years and years actually won a dance show competition - you could have knocked me over with a feather.
Tina Fey was announced this week as the recepient of the annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, the Kennedy Center said on Tuesday.
In a related story, Dane Cook immediately fired his manager for his continued snubbing by the committee.
Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato confirmed they have split up this week.
The Disney actress said on Twitter that the split was amicable: "There are so many crazy rumours flying around today. I'd like to clear a few things up. First, Joe and I did split but it wasn't over the phone. Things didn't work out but we'll remain friends. Secondly, I am NOT dating anybody already."
Joe, 20, said the pair would remain friends.
Meanwhile, I will doggedly continue not to care in the least.
As always, let's end with a gold image or two: 
I figure there was something for everyone in those pics as I am egalaritarian (sp?) if nothing else. So balance the scales today, keep the walls from closing in on you and . . . Happy Early Friday and Happy Memorial Day Weekend!
-BDS
{Editor's Note: Everyone have a great holiday weekend.}
"English motherfucker, do you speak it?" - Samuel L. Jackson, 'Pulp Fiction'
Nearly the entire 'Pulp' movie is quotable, but for some reason, this line delivered with feeling courtesy of Jackson, came to me this week, mostly out of the blue.
Anyway, I will speak to as few people as possible today, and hope I can vacate the office by 4:30 p.m. if things break my way. Until then, however, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Jesse James announced his first interview this week since the break-up of his failed marriage with Sandra Bullock.
James will give his first on-camera interview to ABC "Nightline" correspondent Vicki Mabrey, and the segment will air May 25, according to the Hollywood Reporter.
James will prepare for the interview by shaving his Hitler mustache, however, I doubt he'll drop any 'Bombshells' during the sit-down.
A California judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan Thursday after the actress missed a mandatory court hearing for a "progress report" on her probation from a pair of 2007 arrests on drug and alcohol charges.
Lohan was stuck in Cannes, France due to a stolen passport, according to her lawyer.
"She should have made sure she either didn't go Cannes or made sure to be back two days earlier," said the judge.
The problem was that two days earlier Lohan had traded her passport to someone inside a French nightclub for an 8-ball of cocaine.
In other Lohan news, Lindsay denied having a new girlfriend this week after a New York Post report had the starlet dating a 36-year-old photographer named Indrani.
Lohan told UsMagazine.com, "No, no, no ... In NO way am I dating her."
Indrani said: "We have been spending a lot of time together. I have never had a relationship with a woman before, but Lindsay is just somebody who I find fascinating, gorgeous and extremely smart, as well as super-hot.” 
If Indrani finds Lohan “fascinating, gorgeous and extremely smart” then I have to believe that they have never net, and thus cannot possibly be in a relationship.
Rachel Uchitel – one of Tiger Wood’s mistresses – will pose for Playboy magazine.
According to TMZ, Uchitel will shoot the spread in 3 weeks time, although her contract does allow her to pull out anytime before that.
The preceding paragraph had enough double entendres inserted, so I’ll forsake adding to it despite a strong inclination to insert a 'Woods' joke to the mix.
Megan Fox threatened a photographer this week after someone leaked an image of her topless on the web.
The snapper allegedly took pictures of her topless on a camera phone as she filmed her latest role as a circus sideshow performer in the forthcoming ‘Passion Play.’
Fox told Allure magazine: "If I knew who took this picture, I would personally cause them harm – physical harm…"
OK. I admit it – it was me. Please have Fox contact me at her earliest convenience and we’ll schedule time for her to throttle me.
John Travolta and Kelly Preston said Tuesday night they "are expecting a new addition to our family."
The 47-year-old Preston is pregnant, People.com reported. "It's impossible to keep a secret ... especially one as wonderful as this. We are expecting a new addition to our family," the pair wrote on their Web site.
In the past, Travolta & Preston have described the addition of a new Travolta toupee with the same exact words.
As always, let’s end with a gold image or two:
Sometimes I like to strip down and hang out in the closet. Who doesn’t? So, enjoy yourself wherever you might roam today, spend some time with friends and . . . Happy Friday!
{Editor's Note: I will be catching up on blogs this weekend.}
-BDS
"Not me, I'm in my prime," - Val Kilmer, "Tombstone"
Last week's 'Tombstone' viewing party was an unparalleled success except for the nasty whiskey hangover that occurred the following day. This was largely due to the fact that I had not drank straight whiskey in many years, and I damn sure never poured it down like Kilmer did in that role. But I tried.
Tonight, I will try my hand at bowling with a group of friends, but before I can vacate the office by 5 p.m. or so, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Tyra Banks announced that she signed a three-book deal with Delacorte Press to write a fantasy series for young people.
The first novel - "Modelland" - comes out in the summer of 2011. The plot allegedly concerns a girl trying to keep up with the beauty game at an elite school for supermodels, or Intoxibellas.
The main fantasy involved in this project concerns any readers who delude themselves into thinking that Banks actually wrote any of the material, although I do have a strong suspicion that a majority of characters will be named Tyra or some derivation.
After both citing irreconcilable differnces and filing separate divorce papers last month, Larry King wife, Shawn Southwick King, halted their separation this week.
"We love our children, we love each other, we love being a family. That is all that matters to us," the couple said in a joint statement, according to Reuters. 
And if King stops loving on his wife's sister, then maybe those two crazy kids have a real chance at staying together this time.
Heidi Pratt filed a restraining order against her mom this week after she made a surprise visit to Montag's L.A.-area home.
"My mom [Darlene Egelhoff] just showed up to the house unannounced... and after what she did to me on national TV, I have no desire to see her," Heidi, 23, said to TMZ.com. Montag was referring to her mom's disapproval of her 10 plastic surgeries in one day. 
Meanwhile, Heidi's Mom filed a missing persons report at the police station because she still doesn't recognize her daughter after all the surgeries.
Britney Spears severed professional ties with her boyfriend/agent, Jason Trawick, this week as the pop star decided that business and pleasure don't mix.
Parade Magazine reported the pair will continue dating.
“Since wrapping her recent world tour, Spears has been busy in the studio working on her next album,” a rep tells Parade. “They are very happy. Things are really good with them.”
Upon hearing the news, Kevin Federline ate an entire bag of Cheetos, rubbed his belly and yelled at the television "she'll be back one day."
Singer Katy Perry topped Maxim magazine's Hot 100 list on Monday as she ousted 'House' star Olivia Wilde from the perch.
Perry was deemed by Joe Levy, editor-in-chief of the men's magazine, to be a "triple -- no quadruple -- kind of hot."
Levy continued with, "it's kind of like you took the square root of hotness, and multiplied by itself to the nth degree and then sat on the sun." Levy is also a dunce.
Sean Penn pleaded no contest Wednesday to a misdemeanor charge stemming from an altercation with a photographer last year.
The judge ordered Penn to perform 300 hours of community service and undergo 36 hours of anger management counseling.
The judge also ordered Penn to stop arriving in court in his "I Am Sam" character, and trying to garner sympathy.
Barbara Walters said this week that she will have surgery to replace a faulty heart valve and take the summer off from "The View" to recuperate.
She said she's known about her condition for a while, and decided with her doctors that this is the best time to have the heart surgery done.
"Since the summer is coming up," she said, "I can take a nice vacation."
Walters only requirement for a vacation is somewhere with a spectacular 'View.'
As always, let's end with a gold image or two:
Maybe we all look better slightly upside down and inverted. Maybe. Regardless, enjoy yourself today whatever position you may be in, don't let the blood rush to your head and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{Editor's Note: I will be catching up on blogs this weekend.}
"Sully - you know when I said I would kill you last . . . I lied." - Arnold Schwarzenegger, 'Commando' 
I watched 'Commando' this past week, and although it had been more than a decade since I last saw it, it holds up pretty damn well as an example of crazed '80s action flicks. And Arnold kills like 100 people at the end of the thing, amassing a truly staggering body count while stripping off his shirt for no apparent reason except to call attention to his pecs. Selah.
Anyway, I don't plan to go postal today, and instead, am just happy to put another week behind me. My parents are visiting over the weekend on a combined Mother's Day/Dad's Birthday celebration, but tonight, I am hosting a 'Tombstone' on Blu Ray night at the loft compelete with whiskey, Coor's yellow-bellies and steak fajitas, hold the tuberculosis.
Before I can escape to that utopia, however, let's look at the hard stories of the week such as:
Halle Berry broke it off with the father of her child, model Gabriel Aubry, and the actress confirmed the split this week.
"She kicked him out months ago because he wasn't able to pull his weight in the relationship and she wanted to move on," a source close to Berry and Aubry tells PEOPLE. 
Meanwhile, Berry's career is still trying to move on from her "Catwoman" debacle, and to this point, has had only limited success.
Roman Polanski spoke to the media this week for the first time since his arrest, and said prosecutors only want to serve him "on a platter to the media."
Swiss authorities are trying to decide whether to extradite Polanski to Los Angeles for the 1977 statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl. Polanski, who is under house arrest in his Alpine Swiss chalet, talked with an online magazine run by French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy.
"I have had my share of dramas and joys, as we all have, and I am not going to try to ask you to pity my lot in life," he wrote, noting he had to mortgage his home to cover the $4.5 million bail. "I ask only to be treated fairly like anyone else."
Well, most "everyone else" doesn't get to be convicted of rape and then live out their sentence at a Swiss chalet, Roman, so maybe you should consider yourself lucky . . .
Lindsay Lohan was confirmed this week as the lead role in an independent movie about 1970s porn star Linda Lovelace.
Lohan will play Lovelace, who starred in 1972 porno movie "Deep Throat."
"I would say it's probably one of the most challenging roles any actor could play — and not because of the sexual content, necessarily — but more because she was so battered and beat up emotionally, that I think it's gonna take everything Lindsay has to really be able to pull it off," the producer told the Times.
"Lindsay will have far less problems pulling off her clothes," he later added with smirk.
David Boreanaz, the star of the TV show 'Bones' and previously 'Angel', was forced to confess to cheating on his wife, Jaime Bergman, this week after his mistress threatened to go public.
‘I was associated with a woman who I was involved with and had a relationship with. She asked for money. I felt as though I was being blackmailed or there was some sort of extortion’ Boreanz told People magazine.
According TMZ.com, the mistress demanded six figures to stay silent.
His wife will demand a lot more in a divorce settlement, and the 'Bone' jokes will be flying fast and furious in the courtroom.
Reps for Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller denied divorce rumors this week, but admitted that the pair are having marital issues.
"Please let us clarify this: They are not seeking a divorce nor has one been contemplated," according to a joint statement released Monday by Mueller’s attorney, Yale Galanter, and Sheen’s longtime friend and Two and a Half Men executive producer, Mark Burg. 
The only reason divorce hasn't been "contemplated" is because neither Sheen nor Mueller know the definition of that word.
Bret Michaels was released from a Phoenix hospital and is expected to make a full recovery after suffering a brain hemorrhage last month, his doctor said Tuesday.
Dr. Joseph Zabramski said: "This produces a great deal of stress on the body," he said. "This is like being involved in an accident from inside."
But the Dr. also said that when Michaels was first admitted to the hospital that he thought to himself Look What the Cat Dragged In, but now Michaels has "given me Something to Believe In."
Kim Kardashian began receiving death threats this week from fans of pop star Justin Bieber after the pair meet at the White House Correspondent's dinner in Washington, D.C.
"Look its my girlfriend," Bieber jokingly wrote after posting a picture of the pair following the event.
But his fans were not happy.
"I'm getting death threats from your fans!" Kardashian, 29, wrote to the singer Tuesday night. "This is unBeliebable!!!"
What is "unBeliebable" to me is this: if Bieber & Kardashian warrant a White House invitation, just who is being excluded from the list?
Former Playboy Playmate and "Girls Next Door" star Kendra Wilkinson was rumored to be trying to stop a sex tape from surfacing this week.
According to RadarOnline.com, Wilkinson's lawyer has reportedly demanded for porn company Vivid Entertainment to "cease and desist" with the release of the video.
"The video is private and highly confidential taken for private use and not for public disclosure," the letter reads. "Any exploitation of the video would be a gross violation of Miss Wilkinson's constitutional and common law rights of privacy."
Kendra couldn't be reached for comment because she was off shooting an all-nude Playboy video - but not a porno dammit.
As always, let's end with a gold image or two:
It's getting hot in Austin (92 degrees), so a little lounging in lingerie seems appropriate, although not for me personally. But do whatever floats your boat today, peel off a few layers and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
