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Bathing with the Drunken Viking: New Job Edition

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, April 26, 2010

{This is the 34th entry in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits. This past weekend, I celebrated two weeks on a new job with Brooklyn lager & Heineken, which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}



* Find out quickly who everyone in the office hates, and never eat lunch with that person during your first month unless you want to be lumped in with them

* Make fast friends with the office administrator

* Do not get caught staring down her shirt


* Find the most discreet exit out of the building so you can leave without announcing it to the rest of the office

* Learn people's names immediately even if it consumes far too much of your time

* Never actually address anyone by name unless you're sure that you are correct

* Don't wear easily identifiable shoes so people can recognize you when you're in the bathroom stall


* Never take advice from anyone in your particular group who appears overly ambitious

* Laugh at everything - whether it's funny or not.

* Especially if your boss considers himself an amateur comedian

* But never blatantly kiss your boss's ass in public - it's beneath you


* Keep a bottle of decent liquor and some glasses in your desk because you just never know

* "My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” - Winston Churchill

{Editor's Note: $2 Dollar Productions apologizes for being largely MIA recently, however, for at least a few months he will be merely trying to keep his head above water at one of the largest companies in the world.}

14 comments

  1. wigsf Says:
  2. Oh dear lord, Brooklyn lager. That stuff is vile.

    Office politics suck.

    If she didn't want you to stare, she shouldn't be wearing the "look down my shirt" sign.

    As for the brown-nosing thing, what if your boss is a chick who is really smoking hot and she explicitly asks you to kiss her ass?

     
  3. Miss Ash Says:
  4. Hilarious, it's like grade school "don't sit with the losers at the lunch table" only you're a grown man Ha!

    Now I'm curious ... one of the biggest companies in the world...lucky for you I'm terrible at guessing.

     
  5. Congrats on the new job (again). I'm glad you've resurfaced. I hope that keeping your head above water at the new job doesn't prevent Quick Hit Fridays from continuing.

     
  6. JLee Says:
  7. Good points, all...but I lost all thoughts when I looked at the last two pictures. Kind of disturbing. lol
    You could add "Never wear your Viking Hat to work under any circumstances" ha Good luck with the new place!

     
  8. Heff Says:
  9. I was wondering what the hell was going on.

    Good luck with the new situation.

     
  10. Boxer Says:
  11. have you told them you like to duck out on Friday afternoons around 3:00 p.m.?

    No?

    I know I shouldn't, but I LOVE that brown noser picture.

    Glad you're back and always nice to see the Drunken Viking.

     
  12. WIGSF - Really? I like Brooklyn . . . maybe we're talking different stuff. Anyhow, yes, office politics suck every single time, and your last point is probably a post unto itself - if it ever happens. Ha. We'll see.

    Miss Ash - Excellent point. It's bizarre that I guess you never fully escape grade school. Now, that's a sobering thought, eh? I'd tell you the company, however, I worry about them trolling blogs & I'd like to remain anonymous. But you know them. :)

    Native Minnow - Thanks, although right now, it's all just stressful as I can barely use the bathroom by myself. Selah. All new jobs are like that, but big companies are an animal unto themselves. QHF will restart again this week, although it might be abbreviated a bit until I can get my feet under me and some free time back.

    Jlee - That should be a given on the Viking hat. Ha. But yeah, that will stay locked away. And that pic was a bit odd, but it was the best one that I could find. I will NOT be following that example. :)

    Heff - Yeah, it's been a lousy few weeks, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. Unfortunately, I won't be able to blog from work like my last gig, which means finding new time to get things in order.

     
  13. Boxer - Flew by you in Cyberspace, and I thought - knew - you would like that pic when I found it. Ha. Seriously. And sorry for the absence, but it's been a hectic few weeks, and I'm still catching up on blogs and life in general. Damn work is getting in the way of my free time. I'll hold off on the Friday 3 p.m. thing for now - 5:15 last week. Grrr . . .

     
  14. Linda Says:
  15. Brooklyn Lager a local favorite here! The Drunken Viking wise as always. Though you are missed here, glad you are concentrating on a good start with the new gig. Can't imagine the stress of a new job, let alone in a huge corporate setting. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be great! Thanks for the Viking wisdom...

     
  16. Hiya!

    I know how busy it is when you start a new job. I'm going on 6 months, and I'm still super busy.

    Here's another gem of advice. (stolen directly from 'Shit My Dad Says') Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you.

     
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  19. I constantly send my bosses (all dudes) pictures of ladies in bikinis. I know just how to kiss ass.

     
  20. HAHAHA - Thats awesome.

     
  21. Linda - I just got into Brooklyn over the past year or so, but my brother and I both like it a lot. Thanks on the job setting as all new jobs are stressful, and I'm just looking forward to getting semi-comfortable, which is still likely several months away. I'm behind on movies too. Ha.

    Kymical - That's right - you know exactly how it feels. It sucks, right? Ha. I could do without it, but for now, I am just trying to get up to speed. And thanks for sharing the wisdom as that is a good saying that the Viking might steal at some point.

    *%&^* - Thanks for stopping by.

    Lillie McSmith - You do know how to kiss ass - privately. Ha. That seems like a crowd pleaser for sure. I would be fine w/ it.

    Princess Pessimism - You gotta laugh if at all possible - it always helps.

     

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