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Wedding Day Blues . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, October 12, 2009

I don’t begrudge anyone who invites me to watch them get married, however, the further removed I am from knowing the participants, the deeper it is into the college football season and the more time requested from me (about 9 hours) on a gray weather Saturday tends to put me in a somewhat hostile mood on what should otherwise be a blessed occasion. Selah.

The Preparation - Loft: 1 hour

A shower was needed, and then I had to leave enough time to get my tie tied correctly as I tend to wear one about once per season, and consequently, one loop or pull through always remains a bit elusive. It was the nature of the reception, however, which caused this process to drag out closer to an hour as the rumor was that it was going to be dry, a perverse choice by the bridge and groom which seemed deliberately and unnecessarily cruel. At least offer a cash bar . . . but instead, I cleaned out my college flask and filled it with whiskey. The only difficult part would be refraining from partaking until the reception actually started.

The Ceremony – Church: 1 hour

It was inside a church about 45 minutes north of Austin. Stained glass windows and pews and vows and a sermon which at one stage found the minister wrapping up some point (I’m still not sure which one) by stating: And as they say in the black church, ‘Keep on, Keeping On.’ Seriously. I remember thinking when he started that sentence that he really shouldn’t complete it, but unlike the vows themselves when he gave anyone in the audience the chance to object, during this portion of the service, he kept that offer to himself.

The Reception – Marriott Ballroom: 5 hours

Things were actually moving along rather smoothly until the reception, which was when time began to stand still and the best college football games of the day were starting. The seating arrangements were the first warning sign that things were not going to lend themselves to an early exit. This was due to the fact that we were up on an elevated stage, at the end of one long table, with the bridge and groom in the middle and the peons sitting at round tables scattered throughout the ballroom and looking up at us. I would have offered them money to trade places. Unfortunately, my wife was in the wedding party, and so we had been placed in the most conspicuous area possible. On the plus side, the table did offer a fine staging ground for doctoring the Diet Cokes I was ordering from the bar with whiskey and nobody was the wiser except one server who came up behind me unexpectedly and gave me a look of intense longing as I poured the amber fluid into my glass.

The toasts were serviceable even when one of the bridesmaids tried to be funny a la Rachel McAdams in the ‘Wedding Crashers,’ and much like the results of that cinematic choice, there were no laughs to be found in the audience, only crickets. The bride’s brother did get a laugh when he threatened to kill the groom if he broke his sister’s heart. He said it twice. More laughter. But I still don’t think he was kidding and now his confession in on tape.

Without free-flowing booze, dancing is a challenge and even though the DJ who sported odd facial hair and a pompadour seemed to be having a great time (I think he was on Ecstasy), couldn’t do much to get people on the dance floor, though he did play Cowboy Junkies at one point which I liked.

Long ago, it was written that something awful has to occur for it to be a real wedding, and sure enough, it happened towards the end of the night . Somebody stole a gift box full of checks and cash meant for the bride and groom. I felt pretty terrible about this situation as it cast a nasty end to the proceedings, especially when the cops showed up just as the newlyweds were walking out to their limo for their final appearance. I mean seriously, what kind of person does something like that, and without a doubt, it had to be one of the guests or one of the wait staff and regardless of the exact person, it’s just a scumbag thing to do.

Oh well, I guess it still went fairly well as far weddings go since the bride and groom generally looked happy, and we also went with another couple that we liked and who were drinking whiskey and laughing beside us at the head table. I blame my wife for getting roped into being a bridesmaid, but then again, she probably received her own Karmic justice by having to pay $250 in tailoring and fabric costs for a bright red bridesmaid dress that will never see the light of day again unless it’s Halloween or a transvestite buys it off Craig’s List.

But at the end of the day, I’m just happy that the event is now in the rear-view mirror of obligations instead of lingering on the horizon like a three-day old fish special I’d rather send back.



  1. JLee Says:
  2. Whew. That's a long day. I generally hate weddings unless I'm the bride, and even then it's questionable. lol
    Red bridesmaids dresses? Isn't there some kind of code against that or something?

  3. TROLL Y2K Says:
  4. It all surrounds horrible. 9 hours and...900 bucks?

  5. Jlee - Yep. Long day indeed. Ha. And weddings don't do much for me either, but if you do it right, it's much easier than this long endurance test. And yeah, red dresses seems like it should be against something. :)

    Troll Y2K - It was pretty rough, but where did the $900 come from? I might have been unclear, but I think the dress was $250 or so, then $25 for the whiskey, maybe $20 on gas and $5 tipping on the Diet Coke purchases would account for it. But in terms of opportunity cost, that is a different matter entirely . . .

  6. mitra Says:
  7. You forgot to mention the gold sparkly heels I was required to wear. Oh, and the toast in which the best man spoke about the bride's cleavage (the audience was very religious, including the bride)--again, crickets. Except for us--I think the four of us lost it.

  8. Boxer Says:
  9. bwahahahaha - has Mrs. 2$ weighed in? FABULOUS. This is why I'm glad to be at the age where my friends have all married (and married again.) And you know your wife's dress is NOT going to fit any tranny's. It is destined to be in Goodwill with all of the other crappy dresses. However, those gold heels sound pretty cool.

    Whiskey? See, I would have brought vodka. It mixes with everything (even diet coke) and you can't smell it.

  10. Miss Ash Says:
  11. I think cash bars are tacky...but to have no booze!!! That's a crime in and of itself!

    As for the stolen $, I don't know how things go down in Texas but down here usually one of the wedding party is in charge of the box while guests add to it. Then someone (relative, hotel staff) usually places in into a safe or brings it to another location. Did they just leave it on the table all night??

  12. kmwthay Says:
  13. Oh my. A bright red dress with gold sparklie shoes. Your poor wifey. But then again, bridesmaid dresses are usually never cute.

    Bummer about missing the good football games. I was a little worried for your longhorns in the first half. I'm not sure if they had a case of Sooneritis, where they went in thinking that it was just Colorado, and they didn't have to try very hard to beat them.

    But unlike the Sooners, your longhorns got thier game faces back on and sealed the deal.

    I ended up with a free set of tickets to my first Red River Shootout for this weekend. It would be a much more fun weekend if I thought that OU had a shot at winning.

  14. Mitra - Yes, it's hard to truly capture everything about the 9 hours of sheer fun . . . Ha.

    Boxer - We had generally passed all our friends being married off in the past, but then this one came along and reared its ugly head. Ha. As for the dress, Goodwill is the most likely destination as I'm sure somebody somewhere would love the damn thing and I say more power to them. The gold heels will stay around for something in the future, although who knows what? And finally, it just felt like a Whiskey day with the weather and the mood I was in as I stared at the Grey Goose for a long while and then went darker. :)

    Miss Ash - Cash bar is far better than no bar. Ha. Always. And yeah, usually the cash box should be done exactly how you described, however, this one was just sitting on a table inside the ballroom with all the other gifts and nobody seemed to be in charge of it - unfortunately.

    Kmwthay - You're dead right about most bridesmaid dresses being far from cute, but this one was so far away that I couldn't even see where the line began. Ha. Oh well . . . And nice going on the tickets as you will have a good time & you should believe the Sooners have a chance - I do. UT has yet to play an entire game of football yet this season & you're defense has been good all year even if you're offense is a little dinged up. I honestly think it's a toss-up at this point.

  15. Ugh. Weddings suck. And stealing from the "bridge" and groom at their own reception? That's about as low as it gets. You should take that money back now!


  16. TROLL Y2K Says:
  17. I arrived at the $900 estimate thusly:

    1) 250 dress.

    2) 100 bucks wife spent in prep you don't know about.

    3) 50 bucks whiskey, gas, tips.

    4) 500 bucks wedding gift.

  18. Native Minnow - Dammit, I knew someone would point out the 'bridge' as I did it twice for some reason (I blame early Monday morning brain fuzz). And I'm not giving back a cent until they drag me kicking and screaming to the station. And maybe not even then. Ha.

    Troll Y2K - Crap, you're probably right about the extra $100 and I have no idea what we got them for a wedding gift, which also worries me now. I plan to investigate this tonight. Thanks.

  19. kmwthay Says:
  20. This game could go either way, but I imagine that UT is going to want killer revenge for that whole Big 12 thing last year. I don't know why all those Longhorns were soooooo upset. It was a bit* dramatic.

    (totally kidding.) Will you and the Mrs. be there?

  21. Gypsy Says:
  22. That bridesmaid ensemble sounds frightful, although I love red, but just a note to Mrs $ least you had a hot date ;) You looked tres fabulous B.

    I have a theory about bridesmaid dresses and since I have done the deed 7 times I think I am qualified to say this. Never, never, never are you to ever upstage the bridge. 'Nuf said.

    Usually I love a good disaster at a wedding but that is so not cool. What kind of low life does that to a couple on their big day? If it had to happen I hope it was one of the staff because it would be even harder to swallow if it was a guest.

    Glad you made it through and this was a great post. I could actually feel your pain.

    Word Verification:

  23. KMwthay - Not this year . . . it's actually been 3 or 4 since I've made it, but I'll be watching. And don't even get me started on last year since the only tiebreaker there should have been the fact that we beat OU at a netural field. Grrr . . .

    Gypsy - I'll pass that along and thanks. Ha. I think your dress theory holds up, and 7 times seems like enough to me. :) That's a lot of time & effort. And I'm glad the pain came through as I was filled with a fair amount of dread, although it was slightly better than I anticipated, but still a long, long day.


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