Blog Archive

Fuzzy Locker Room Tales . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I had just finished my workout, and was washing my hands in a nearly empty locker room when he walked inside.

He was a nondescript 50ish man wearing standard workout attire. Nothing special, nothing flashy. I barely gave him a glance until I returned to the bench that we now shared, if only for a short while.

I was wearing glasses, an occurrence which happens approximately two or three days every month when I choose to give my eyes a rest from my disposable contact lenses.

"Wow. Those are great glasses. What kind are they?" the man asked as he stood near his open locker and casually began undressing for the shower.

"Calvin Klein," I responded automatically since I had recently spent my remaining Flexible Spending Account money buying them at the end of 2008. I hoped this would end the conversation, because as a general rule, I don't make it a habit to engage in extended discussions inside men's locker rooms.

"They are great. I've got a few pairs of Marc Jacobs at home . . . " And there was more, but I was beginning to let my mind wander into more pleasant areas, so I missed many details. I do recall, however, that we discussed his vision starting to get worse as he aged and my own which had been poor since the seventh grade.

During the entire vision dissertation, the man continued to get buck naked.

Once he was down to his tighty-whities, and it was obvious that the train had left the station and nudity would ensue, I took off my glasses and began cleaning them on my shirt. This was a fine idea because he immediately became a pale, white blob of fuzzy flesh since I can't see a damn thing without my contacts or glasses.

I threw a few remaining items in my gym bag, and walked to the door before putting my glasses back on. He told me to have a good day, and I returned the sentiment to him as I exited laughing about the bizarre semi-nude exchange and pondering why the glasses I chose had betrayed me so quickly.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. Just another plus of having a HOME gym, in my opinion. The only fleshy blob I have to look at is me.

  3. As usual, Heff is correct.

    It is possible that this guy is a lonely soul looking for some sort of human interaction. But in the nude, meh. Not my style.
    Or maybe he's an exhibitionist.
    Or maybe he just has a really huge schlong as wants to show it off. Not that you'd wanna see it.
    Or maybe he is in to you.

  4. Heff - You're probably right, although I do like my gym in general (not in this specific interest). ANd I've got dumbbells and a treadmill at home, but that doesn't really cut it.

    WhatIgot - Heff is wise. THere were a lot of potential what-ifs with the guy as he didn't come off as slimy - just odd that he felt compelled to talk about my glasses as he underdressed. I would choose one or the other, but that's just me I guess.

  5. Mr. DNA Says:
  6. Older dudes love hanging out talking in the locker room.

    Maybe when you can't get it up anymore you long to be naked with people?

    Just a theory, I'm no expert.

  7. nobich Says:
  8. You really should try to stay out of the gym, or always wear your glasses there so you can take them off & clean them when you find yourself in these types of situations.

  9. Mr. DNA - It's only a theory until you test it out, do some extensive research. Ha. I guess I'm fine without being an expert on certain subjects.

    Nobich - Unfortunately, I can't avoid it as I shower at mine most days of the week because I lift before work. I wish I could deal with the post-work crowds, but I can't and like to get the workout out of the way early. But the glasses idea is a good one as every little bit helps.

  10. BostonPobble Says:
  11. Seriously, $$...No More Bathrooms for you. Because, really, that's all a locker room is: a bathroom with delusions of grandeur.

  12. Boxer Says:
  13. I watched "Run Fatboy Run" the other night and there is an hysterical men's locker room scene that is worth the movie rental (despite being directed by David Schwimmer.)

    I avoid locker rooms and I'm glad my boxing gym doesn't have one and my mini-gym is just seconds from my home because there is a female version of this guy and it NEVERS ends well.

  14. I don't make it a habit to engage in extended discussions inside men's locker rooms.

    That's a good policy to live by.

    And what is it about old guys and locker room conversations anyway? It seems like they've always got something to say.

  15. Also, speaking of old naked guys, I have a friend who went to a local swingers' club to see what all the fuss was about. While there he went into a room with a rowing machine, so he did what anyone who was naked and in that situation would do, he jumped on. He said he looked up and there was an old dude masturbating while watching him do this. I think I'll stay away from the swingers' clubs.

  16. JLee Says:
  17. I lost my train of thought after Minnow's last comment! lol
    Not a good visual, much like "pale white blog of fuzzy flesh". ha
    You do have bad bathroom luck. Better start going outside.

  18. Bostonpobble - Ha. I'm still laughing at: a bathroom with delusions of grandeur . . . Priceless and I'm going to remember that one and trot it out at parties. Good stuff.

    Boxer - You're right - it never ends well. It's also disturbing to learn there's a female side of this phenomenon too because I honestly hadn't considered the thought. Shudder. And yes, you are lucky with the proximity of the boxing gym. Finally, you're the third person to somewhat recommend that movie, so I might have to give it a rental (generally enjoy Simon Pegg).

    Native Minnow - Ha. That is a great rowing story, and easily trumps mine. That is truly, truly disturbing. I figure the locker room credo is a reasonable one to live by, and you are spot-on right: they always have something to say that for some reason couldn't be said outside of that particular arena. Bizarre.

    Jlee - I know. That visual is not a pretty one. Ha. And neither was my fuzzy flesh either. I actually enjoying going outside if there's not much of a chance of getting a ticket, which I've done in college & don't care to re-visit.

  19. Miss Ash Says:
  20. I don't do these things always happen to you?? Clearly a magnet for know what they say "birds of a feather..." Ha!

  21. slopmaster Says:
  22. once you reach a certain age, you start losing all inhibitions and will just walk around naked in locker rooms. That's what I've noticed. It's not a good thing. Old people should not be allowed in public as a general rule for that reason. At least he wasn't hitting on you though.

  23. Boxer Says:
  24. do you think Native Minnow really has a "friend" who went to the Swinger's club, or was that actually Native Minnow? Hee.

  25. Hahahaha... That's pretty dam funny. He was just trying to make a friend.

  26. Miss Ash - No. I've never heard that expression and don't take kindly to the comparison. Ha. I have indeed heard it, but think it's libelous to suggest it. And yes, I think I've had too many of these encounters lately, so I hope I've run out for awhile.

    Slopmaster - You're right about at least he wasn't hitting on me, and also correct that at some age - I'm not sure when this starts exactly - I think you just don't care about social customs anymore and simply do/act however you see fit. This must be freeing, but I don't want to see it in the locker room.

    Boxer - Either way it's pretty damn funny. Ha. If it was the actually the Minnow himself, then he should have dedicated an entire post to it on his site.

    TrinabeingTrina - It was kind of funny at the time too. Ha. Odd, but funny.


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