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Some Assembly Required . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Some Assembly Required is a misnomer is my loft. It doesn't mean that at all. Instead, it generally aligns with something closer to Some Pieces Missing, Success Not Guaranteed or most accurately, You're Basically Fucked.

I loathe the building process.

I have neither the patience, talent nor inclination for this line of work. My mood turns instantly black once I unload a box and then realize I must put the contraption together to resemble the item that looked so damn good on the showroom floor.

The past few years found me on a solid roll, however, as I successfully built a futon, a bistro table, a small bookcase and two end tables. But now, forces are conspiring against me. Last month, a coffee table played me for a fool and yesterday a new computer almost did the same.

My main issue with Some Assembly Required is the directions are getting worse. They were never good, but at least they used to have actual words and sentences associated with them.

Now, I'm finding that most companies are too lazy or too cheap to pay someone to write copy and instead, they simply give you a one-page sheet with lots of putrid diagrams where only a psychic could make sense of it all.

How am I supposed to figure out how to put something together when the pictures look like a Rorschach blotter or a raccoon humping a doorknob or virtually anything except the item I'm supposed to be building.

This brutal experience ruins the excitement of buying something when you know that a horrendous building process awaits you once you drag it home. I'm finding it is worth it to pay the extra money to have it built and delivered right to your door versus cussing at imaginary foes who draw like 3rd graders hopped up on Monster energy drinks.

Life is too short.



  1. Anonymous Says:
  2. Wait a minute, you said that something that could be a Rorshach ink blot could also be a raccoon humping a doorknob? What does that say about you?

  3. Do raccoons often hump doorknobs? The other day I read a scientific paper about homosexual necrophilia in mallard ducks, so I guess I wouldn't be surprised.

    (And yes, there really is a paper about homosexual necrophilia in mallard ducks - I couldn't make that stuff up.)

  4. WhatIgot - That's for a psychic or psychiatrist (sp?) to determine I suppose. Ha. To me, it says never turn your back on a racoon near your doorknob.

    Native Minnow - I read an article indicating these racoon dry-humping sessions were on the rise (I did make that up). And I can't believe there is actually a paper on the mallard ducks and their dirty habits. That was enlightening indeed. Thanks.

  5. I'm sorry, I'm still thinking (or trying not to think about Minnow's comment.)

    I've always thought the test of any relationship, was to assemble a bookshelf from IKEA OR by taking a cross country trip in the car.

    I've done both and now I'm at the age where I won't buy things unless they are delivered ready to use. Life is short.

  6. JLee Says:
  7. I'm with you on this since we assembled a loft bed for my daughter this past Saturday. When I say "we" I mean my husband. ha
    I did hand him parts from time to time...

  8. Anonymous Boxer - Those dirty ducks, eh? I think your litmus test is a good one as road trips and building things are extremely challenging circumstances where things will be revealed. And yes, I'm about to finally chunk any ideas I have about assembling right out the window.

    Jlee - Nice job. Even if you were just handing things around, I think a loft bed sounds pretty damn hard to build. If I were to build something like that I wouldn't allow anyone to actually sleep in it due to safety reasons.

  9. cats Says:
  10. it once took hubby and me 14 hours to put together a desk. the instruction manuel was over 20 pages long. by the time we were done it was a miracle that we were still married.

  11. Linda Says:
  12. I once put together a computer desk on post operative liquid valium .... don't remmeber a thing about the experience, but I had the desk for years! Ever since, whenever I have to put something together, I get out the bourbon and put on a movie. It lessens the pain and seems to make the process go smoothly. OR you can have it built and delivered, ha!

  13. Last year, I assembled a dresser for my daughter. The directions were in Spanish and Japanese. I am with you on this one and if any action needs to be taken, count me in. I got your back.

  14. SymplyAmused Says:
  15. But, are a man, you are supposed to know how to build things WITHOUT directions (grins)

  16. Cats - That is like going through hell and back I imagine. Ha. But nice work finishing the project as I'm sure I would have given up somewhere along the way. 20 pages? Wow.

    Linda - That liquid valium story is pretty damn funny. Ha. I have no idea how you managed to pull that off and still have a functioning desk. But I think I've finally come around to the built and delivery option as being the only one I should consider. If not, the bourbon will help.

    Getoffmylawn - Thanks as I think this kind of movement could really catch on if I had the time and resources to dedicate to the pursuit. I mean who would stand up for the other side? And dressers are tough as I assisted with one many years ago. Ugly.

    Symplamused - Ha. I don't worry about that male credo and I have never worried about stopping and asking for directions either as my own instincts in this regard are very, very poor.

  17. Gypsy Says:
  18. I recently bought two computer chairs for my daughters that had to be assembled. How hard can it be says me?

    I love a challenge but I got very stroppy when it appeared I didn't have enough pieces. After 30 mins I threw my hands up in disgust and did something else instead figuring I'd go back to it when I was in a better mood. An hour later I find both my daughters sitting on their new chairs at their desks. WTF? Apparently I can't follow instructions either.

  19. vivavavoom Says:
  20. totally agree. we got my daughtetr a play kitchen for her bday and it took us hours to put together because the directions weren't printed correctly, and upside down. we ended up just tryig to figure it out ourselves...that is why her cup holder in the dishwasher really doesn't hold many cups...couldn't find the f-1 screws.

  21. The Troll Says:
  22. I'll be using "draws like a 3rd Grader hopped up on Monster energy drinks" to describe my artwork in the future.


  23. Gyspy - Your daughters already possess skills that I never will. Ha. And that is the best way to do it - leave the room angry and then return to find the chairs magically assembled. Excellent.

    Vivavavoom - F-1 screws. That's funny. Ha. At least you generally overcame the odds as I literally gave up on my coffee table & had the store build and deliver it after returning it to them. Besides, who needs cups anyway?

    TheTroll - That could drive up your prices in some circles I imagine. Art is very subjective. No problem on the description unless the proceeds become too vast & then I will demand a cut. Ha.

  24. Miss Ash Says:
  25. What exactly are you building this go around? I find that I get extremely frustrated with such things and it usually ends up with me in an angry huff.

  26. Miss Ash - This time it was the computer, which I ultimately triumphed over. But last month it was the coffee table & that one broke me & I was forced to surrender. Regardless, this type of activity usually puts me in a foul mood.


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