Blog Archive

Split Pants and A Cool Breeze . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 30, 2008

"The hurricane party's winding down and we're all waiting for the end
And I don't want another drink, I only want that last one again," - James McMurtry, "Hurricane Party"

That's one of the truest lines I've heard in a long time, and while I agree that most drinking sessions break into diminishing returns rather quickly, I still wanted another cold Shiner Bock at McMurtry's concert this past weekend.

My thirst was palpable as I sat on the top row of a set of metal bleachers and watched the show at Threadgills. The sun was down, however, the temperature was still in the high 80s and I felt parched.

I had money. The outside bar was within 20 yards of my seated position. My problem was simple: I had split my jeans wide open, three songs into the set, while trying to showcase my athletic prowess and jump back onto the top row of the bleachers from the grass.

Right away, I knew something was wrong. The sound of fabric being ripped from my body was loud enough to be heard over the music - at least to me. But I did make it back up to a seated position where I inspected the damage.

The tear began at my crotch, under my right testicle and spread in length and width up through the middle of my right butt-cheek. I could feel the breeze immediately run through me, a sensation that was not entirely unpleasant, but the circumstances didn't allow me to fully enjoy it.

I had bigger problems on my mind because I wasn't wearing any underwear.

This is why they tell you to always wear underwear I thought and laughed to myself. My brother eyed me warily until I explained the situation. He then made fun of me for the next several songs, although he graciously agreed to buy the next few rounds which meant I could stay seated and keep Stanley from causing a stir.

But near the end of the concert, I could no longer resist the urge to rid myself of a few Shiners and I had to go to the bathroom. Luckily, it was dark outside, however, the bathroom was inside the restaurant and after making it safely into the Men's room, I was waiting in line when I heard someone say "you got a big-ass hole in your pants buddy."

I replied, "I know, but I got a big ass penis and it ripped a hole in them and damn near took the entire back side off before I corralled him." Then I walked into the next available urinal, took care of my business and kept to the shadows as I walked back outside for the encore.

The rest of the concert went off without issue, but there were no post-concert drinks downtown for me that night. Sometimes, you have to realize when luck is not running your way and simply flee in the opposite direction.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. Oh shit ! I can't help but take a personal moment to chuckle at this one...

  3. Wendy Says:
  4. Did you really say that? I hope you did, but isn't that a dangerous thing to say in Texas?

  5. Heff - No worries - I was laughing too. Sometimes, it's the only way out of certain situations. Ha.

    Wendy - Austin is pretty laid-back, so you can get away with it. I wouldn't try it everywhere. It was also at the end of the concert, so I'd had a few Shiners as well.

  6. Bwahahahaahahahahahahaahah.

  7. JLee Says:
  8. I hate to laugh at you but well, I am. ha
    Actually this happened to me a few years ago but the rip was in the FRONT seam of my jeans. Luckily, I was just playing cards and it could go unnoticed. I left very hastily too though. lol

  9. Gypsy Says:
  10. Stanley....???? OMG that was hilarious. My mother has always told me to wear clean underwear in case I ever get in an accident (in which case unclean underwear would probably be the least of my worries) but they don't cover 'commando" in the mother's helpful handbook.

    Thanks for the giggle B.

  11. Miss Ash Says:
  12. I cried I laughed so hard at your misfortune!! Thanks for the monday laugh that was hilarious!

    Next time wear undies :P

  13. Anonymous Boxer - You're welcome. Ha.

    Jlee - Cards would certainly work if it was strip poker. Ha. And yes, I had to laugh too - what else are you going to do?

    Gypsy - OK. Here's the punchline (stolen) . . . Stanley, you know, like the Power Tool. Ha. It's bad, I know. Anyway, your mother had good advice and I thought long and hard about similar advice for the last 2/3 of the concert. A breezy time for sure.

    Miss Ash - Thanks. Where were you with this advice on Friday? Ha. Misfortune indeed. Oh well, these things happen.

  14. Wendy Says:
  15. Comment on Gypsy's comment... my husband was in a bad car accident and wasn't wearing any underwear. It didn't matter because someone in the ER had to cut his clothes off him. Proving that MOMS EVERYWHERE ARE WRONG!

  16. BostonPobble Says:
  17. With a comment like that, you are now officially my hero.

  18. Wendy - I appreciate when people validate or call into question pieces of advice that we've all heard with actual stories. But I do wonder if your Moms everywhere theory is thrown out the window when you're relaying some piece of advice to your daughter. Ha. Still, the story was helpful.

    Bostonpobble - Hero is such a strong word . . . but who am I to disagree? Ha. We'll go with that until something better shows up (and liquid courage is the term I believe).

  19. Nice response. I wish I was quick enough on my feet to come up with a retort like that.

  20. JLee Says:
  21. I've always thought that was true what Wendy said. Who cares about underwear when a. you're dying or b. they're going to cut that shit off you anyway?

  22. Linda Says:
  23. This story is hilarious!! To Quote Mary-Kate Olsen (of all people, when asked last week by Dave Letterman what advice she had for young Hollywood, she said, "wear underwear?!?!" Since you are on the cusp of becoming "young Hollywood" write that one down.......

  24. Native Minnow - In all fairness, I had been working over potential responses like his during the concert, so I had a few "go to" lines ready. But I was still semi-happy with it. Ha.

    Jlee - Yep. I figure you've got bigger fish to fry than your lack of underwear in such scenarios. Let's just hope none of us has to find out for sure, eh?

    Linda - That is actually very sound advice from Mary-Kate, and I only wish I would have seen her prior to Friday. Ha. Oh well, at least nobody cared or was there to take a picture. On a side note, Mary-Kate was surprsingly good on "Weeds" (if in fact that was her and not the other one).

  25. grace Says:
  26. Haha, that's hilarious! I can't even imagine what I'd do if that happened to me, but I think you handled it well.

  27. cats Says:
  28. and that is why i always wear underwear!

    that story made my day! i mean i thought i had it bad dealing with crap at work when poor stanley was all exposed to the world.

  29. Hahahahahahahahah!!! Whew.....Hahahahaha!!!!....

    Ok I'm sorry I have to compose myself.....Now my question is why would anyone even feel the need to tell you there was a big ass hole in your jeans? They have to know dam well you knew but what was even better than that was your response. That was classic.

  30. Grace - I like to think I exhibited a little bit of Grace under pressure. Ha.

    Cats - You see, things could always be worse. Then again, sometimes it's good to get some air into your nether (sp?) regions as they are usually so enclosed. Ha.

    TrinabeingTrina - You have to laugh when situations go so incredibly sideways like that one. I sometimes find this difficult, but for some reason, I didn't this time and that probably let me come up with that comment. Ha.


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