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Corporate Etiquette 108 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, June 09, 2008

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the eighth in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

I worked like an animal in May.

This was mainly due to my daily attempt to shoehorn 8 hours of office work into 4 hours of actual effort when you take away the 3 hours I spent writing the screenplay and another hour at lunch. My typical day went like this:

6:30 a.m. - Gym
7:45 a.m. - Arrive at work and drink two cups of coffee
8 - 10 a.m. - Write at least 3 scenes for script
10 - 11:30 a.m - Work
11:30 a.m. - 12:30 a.m. - Lunch
12:30 - 2 p.m. - Work
2 - 3 p.m. - Write at least 1 scene for script
3 - 4 p.m. - Work
4:15 p.m. - Drive home and finish working from there

It was a stressful time, and I looked a bit rushed. I was also getting into the office early and remaining there for long periods of time. Whenever my boss or someone would come by my desk, I appeared deep in thought or furiously writing a vastly important email.

The fact that I was constantly trying to think my way around a plot point or scribble down a few golden nuggets of dialogue for the screenplay was lost of everyone except me. And in fact, I was rewarded for my behavior.

At the end of the month, my boss surprised me at my desk early one morning, where I sat trying to figure out whether a feathered riding crop or a purple dildo was a funnier visual. He told me he appreciated all the hours and effort I'd been putting into my work lately and it had NOT gone unnoticed.

He then handed me a $50 gift card to use at any store at a local mall, and told me to keep up the example for the rest of our group. I was a shining light.

Crazy. I had to laugh and now that I've finished the script, my work accolades will likely suffer. Then again, I just need another side project to keep me busy and I'll be rolling in gift cards and promotions.



  1. This is what I've learned from your blog this morning: purple dildo = $50 gift card.

  2. That's a fine lesson for any time of day, and don't blow the $50 on the dildo as you will have overpaid.

  3. Heff Says:
  4. Dammit ! WhatIgot beat me ! I was going with "purple dildo garners gift cards", myself.

    Anyhoo, "Look busy even if you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing" can also be gained from this post.

    Words to live by.

  5. JLee Says:
  6. That is hysterical. I think Heff summed it up with basically "you only have to LOOK really busy to get noticed by the boss." Hell, I learned that a long time ago. ha

    *thankfully you weren't looking up visuals for the script as he walked in

  7. Heff - You've got to be quick on the draw around here this morning. Ha. But yes, I think simply looking busy & walking fast helps quite a bit. If all else fails, think deeply about purple dildos too.

    Jlee - That's a fine way to operate as looking busy only helps your career in ways that looking up such things never can. Ha. Small favors & you have to be careful when browsing at work in all situations.

  8. I often get much more done when I'm super bizzy .. AND I think I'm most impressed with your gym schedule. Your work schedule is just like mine. I have PERFECTED the "annoyed-I'm-working-don't-bother-me" look when people walk past my office. I don't THINK they notice I have my computer screened turned AWAY so no one can see what's really going on.

    Did you feel just a little bit guilty getting that gift card?

    I didn't think so.

  9. Miss Ash Says:
  10. This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode when George is completing cross word puzzles at work and his boss sees him furiously slamming his pencil on the page. Then later he's screaming into the phone to those men "you bastards" (cause they greet each other in that manner) and the boss thinks he's too over worked and needs a break haha!

  11. cats Says:
  12. so which is funnier... the purple dildo or the feathered one?!?

    and here's hoping that your boss doesn't read your blog!

  13. I'll take you word on financial value of a woman's sex toy. I can't say I've ever priced a dildo before.

  14. Claire Says:
  15. Hahahaha. Brilliant! Keep up the good work, I guess :)


  16. Anonymous Boxer - The "annoyed-I'm-working-don't-bother-me" look is a fine one to perfect & can be used for great things. As long as yr. computer screen doesn't betray you (and those bastards can), then it is a useful business tool. The gym schedule is closer starting at 6:30 am when you factor in driving/warm-up.

    Miss Ash - Great episode. I just saw it a few months ago on re-run, and it was hilarious. I think life would be more fun if more people could go around referring to each other or others as you bastards. That would be nice.

    Cats - Let's hope that is truly the case on the reading front, and nobody at work knows I have one (for obvious reasons). I think the purple one is slightly funnier in the context of the scene. Slightly.

    WhatIgot - I bought a fake rubber penis for a Halloween costume in college, and it set me back about $25 bucks (going as a flasher). Regardless, $50 seems like way too much money for one. I could be wrong.

    Claire - The funny thing is that my actual work product got better and I got more accomplished too. I think it was because I was forced to be efficient and focused. Still, it's slightly funny. ha.

  17. nobich Says:
  18. you should have used a purple rabbit!!! Ha!! ( that's a kind of well never mind)

  19. Linda Says:
  20. Great story, so funny!! And 50 bucks at the mall would buy a lot of movies! hehe

  21. Awesome! Keep up the good "work". When my co-workers walk by my office they ask, "What're you doing? Blogging?" Maybe that's a sign that I waste too much time online. Maybe.

    And, go with the purple dildo.

  22. Gypsy Says:
  23. That is just too ironic for words. The trouble is now you've made a rod for your own back even though we all know you weren't really working. However will you keep up this frenetic work pace now you don't have "other work" to do? Too funny.

    The dildo gets my vote. Just that word makes me laugh

  24. Nobich - I've actually heard of the rabbit, but never seen one (or didn't know if I had). Feel free to send pics. Ha.

    Linda - It will buy several DVDs if I shop for bargains & stay away from Blu-Ray titles, and I plan to do both. But I usually buy my DVDs at Best Buy, so I might just buy some sunglasses at the mall.

    Native Minnow - At least they know that you're blogging as I have to know exactly when to minimize and what times are optimal for that sport. And I don't think that means you spend too much time online - just tell your co-workers to mind their own business. Ha.

    Grace - You're right - dildo is just a funny word all the way around. Ha. And this week, I've been slightly bored as I need a new routine. I'll find one and over the long run my lack of full work hours has to even out in a bad way. It must.


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