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Corporate Etiquette 105 . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, February 13, 2008

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the fifth in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

I took the office elevator down two floors to my car yesterday after lunch.

Mainly, I was interested in stretching my legs and trying to shake the afternoon grogginess from my head, so taking an unnecessary trip to my car seemed reasonable. I made a quick phone call, shuffled through some dry cleaning receipts and then headed back inside the building to return to work.

I was feeling better until the elevator arrived - empty yet stinking of perfume and gas.

This murderous combination was brutal on the senses. Every breath brought an intense uptake of a sickly-sweet aroma of perfume commonly found in low-rent flophouses with an undercurrent of sulfur from the bowels of hell. Ugly. Who could have produced such a rank smell I wondered? Or was there more than one person involved in the production?


Luckily, I only had two floors to ride in this noxious environment, however, when I stepped off the elevator, a Vice President from my company stood waiting to enter.

I wanted to warn him about the toxic environment. I also wanted to disavow my association from the offending odor with a "I swear that wasn't me" line, however, I thought that argument might have fully convicted me of a crime I didn't commit.

There was no good solution, so I gave the standard corporate head nod, walked away and never looked back.



  1. A predicament to be sure - you know they thought it was you.

  2. I know. Dammit.

  3. Anonymous Says:
  4. I would have taken the stairs. You gotta think ahead man. Don't enter an empty elevator that reeks of another man's ass. What if at the first stop Cobie Smulders walks onto the elevator? She'll think you made that smell. (Bonus points if you can name that reference.)

    Again, take the stairs.

  5. Heff Says:
  6. Ahh...the old "fart trapped in the elevator" gag. Classic.

    If you really want to stretch your legs, next time take the stairs. As we all know, heat (a.k.a. funk) rises. You'd be much less likely to be accused this vile act if stairs were involved, for at least 2 reasons : #1. Nobody takes the stairs anymore.
    #2. Much more area for funk to disperse if the horrid situation arises again.

  7. WhatIgot - I know. Sometimes I do take the stairs, and I should have done so in this case. As for the reference, I give up, but want to know as I like to file these things away.

    Heff - Yep. It's usually funny until it happens to you. Ha. Or at least if you're on the receiving end of things. You're right about the stairs for those reasons, and you could always duck into a different floor if you felt someone coming up into the funk. It goes back to good planning I suppose.

  8. Movie called The Long Weekend, a guy walks into an empty elevator that reeks of fart. On the next floor, Cobie Smulders (let's consider her to be some hot chick) enters the elevator.

  9. That will teach you to sneak away from your duties.

    I likey your Corporate Etiquette, and I actually think perfume should be banned from the work place.

    And cheap perfume?

    Just banned all together.

  10. Gypsy Says:
  11. What a toxic combination!!! The moment that noxious smell hit my nostrils I would have been hightailing it to the stairwell. 1) for the sake of my senses and 2) there is no way in hell I would want anyone holding me responsible for something so vile.

  12. WhatIgot - I've heard of the title, but not the movie. Thanks as I had no clue about the reference.

    Anonymous Boxer - I agree on both fronts, although just a little bit of good perfume is OK with me - at least usually. And maybe it was karma kicking me immediately in the ass, however, it was talk a walk or take a nap so . . .

  13. Gypsy - I must have flown by you in Cyerspace, and yes, I still have no idea why I didn't just walk back out to the stairwell. Maybe it was the doors shutting on me before I really took in just how bad the odor was going to be. Never again.

  14. Miss Ash Says:
  15. I think the VP would be more concerned that you ran down to your car to spray on some perfume and would disregard the putrid smell you left in the elevator from your ass.

  16. The Troll Says:
  17. I gave the official Corporate Head Nod to one person for at least 3 years. Corporate Comptroller is his title. Finally decided to speak at him recently to tell him he had dirt all over his forehead.

    He explained that it was Ash Wednesday and it was a custom of his tribe to wear ashes on head all day.

    I'm never deviating from the head nod again.

  18. Miss Ash - You should watch those slanderous accusations as I think lawsuits can still travel to Canada. Ha.

    Troll - Exactly. The corporate head nod is the best policy nearly every single time, and can be an art form unto itself. But I like the Ash Wednesday discussion.


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