Blog Archive

The Panini Incident . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Tuesday, January 08, 2008

It culminated, I think, with the Panini.

Airports are generally lousy places to frequent. Unfortunately, I find myself sitting inside them more often these days due to the low morals and rampant incompetence that most airlines display on a regular basis.

To avoid a snowstorm that was bearing down on Taos, N.M., I arrived at the Albuquerque airport about 4 hours early yesterday. It was a necessary evil, however, it nearly drove me insane.

Things started badly when my pomade was confiscated at the security station because it was over 3 oz.

My argument that . . .

1) Pomade shouldn't be counted as a liquid
2) The jar was only half-full so it was actually less than 3 oz.
3) My hair wasn’t going to stay in place by itself

. . . All fell on deaf ears.

After deciding to kill time with a sneaky pint or two, I was then given the privilege of paying $6.50 for a draught beer while listening to a fascinatingly obese couple argue about pit bull breeding. I would have moved seats except the only available table was next to a man trying to unsuccessfully keep his 3 kids from beating each other.

And I still had 1 1/2 hours until my flight.

But back to the Panini. I was in a decidedly ugly mood when I approached the sandwich counter, and ordered the Panini in question. It was an "Italian" one with turkey, pepperoni, red pepper, and cheese. I was told it would take 10 minutes to grill, but since I had time to spare, I stayed the course.

After 15 minutes, a worker came out and announced "We just burned your Panini - do you want another one?" My head slumped. I felt broken and irritated and defeated. I shot back "Is it going to take another 15 minutes?"

This was a mistake. It only took 10 minutes, but it came out lukewarm and the Panini maker likely spit in it due to my pointed question.

I finally caught my flight, and pondered the situation. I'm sick enough of airports to really consider the American Express Platinum card they keep sending me because part of the fee gets you in the Admiral's Clubs for free. I haven't stepped inside one, however, I imagine (or hope) they would be an oasis and include amenities such as:

1) Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies

2) Swedish masseuses

3) High-speed Internet
4) Well-made glasses to drink from
5) Free newspapers and magazines

Dare to dream.



  1. JLee Says:
  2. Welcome back!
    "The Panini Incident"...sounds like a good movie title?
    The pomade thing sucks. That Crew stuff is not cheap either. I can't help but think of George Clooney and his pomade in "Oh Brother.." lol

  3. Heff Says:
  4. Sorry about your tin of "Dapper Dan". Truly a "tight spot". A loss, is a loss, is a loss.

  5. Jlee - Ha. It sounded like the title of a Seinfeld episode to me when I wrote it. Love the "O Brother" reference. Funny stuff.

    Heff - Yep. I love that "tight spot" stuff in "O Brother" and how somebody didn't start selling actual "Dapper Dan" after that is a mystery to me.

  6. Miss Ash Says:
  7. I can't even imagine the look on your face whilst listening to the fascinatingly obese couple argue about pit bull breeding.

    This is gold Jerry, gold!!

  8. Pomade is still available today? I don't think one should be using a product first introduced to me by Abe Simpson. What's next? You got got a jar of Smeckler's Powder.

  9. Miss Ash - Nice Seinfeld quote. I can hear the voice. And it was semi-amusing - for the first 20 minutes. Ha.

    WhatIgot - You're missing out on the Pomade revolution. It's back. In a big way. Smeckler's could be next, but I'm no manufacturer.

  10. Hey hey glad you're back BDS! Anyway, there is too much to say about the airlines these days. I might go off on a rant and I wouldn't want to do that since I've been tipping the bottle already. Every flight should come with a complimentary bottle of Valium. Because they sure can ruin a whole families vacation. I must stop now LOL

  11. Yeah, every time I feel like being a smartass to a waiter, or something, I replay that French Toast scene from RoadTrip. I find it works well.

  12. Upset Waittress - Thank you. And yes, there is enough nonsense and bullshit from airlines to fill weeks worth of posts, so it's probably best to show some restraint. At least for now. Valium should be complimentary.

    Idig - Ha. Yep, that was an ugly scene and then DJ Qualls eats the damn thing. Brutal, but effective.

  13. vivavavoom Says:
  14. I think you mean the American Express Mile High Platinum Card. I say get it and let us know how those cookies are.

    Just like you they took my gel with less than 3oz but the canister said it had 3.5. I also remember coming back from Chile through Miami and buying some liquor at duty free and then they confiscated it after going through customs. What scheme is that? You know there is some major party going on after we all leave with the booze!!!!I was pissed...and not happy drunk pissed.

    welcome back btw!

  15. Gypsy Says:
  16. Welcome back! I would be getting myself one of those Platinum cards on the double my friend. Chocolate chip cookies & a swedish massage!!! Hell I'd frequent the airport just for that but switch those girls for guys.

  17. That was one sucky experience. I was going to recommend West Jet airlines up here in Canada. Free Newspaper (Canada Post, or the Globe and Mail - two of our finest), and way less bullshit. But then I remembered you might end up in the Vancouver airport... where you might get tasered to death if you brandish a stapler at some Mounties. Ech! You should give it a go anyway. In the end, I too blame the panini for your troubles.

  18. So how did your hair hold up without the presence of your beloved Pomade?
    I just had this conversation the other night with one of my co-workers that you should never argue with the person who is making your food. I know you were under quite a bit of stress especially after hearing the whole pit bull breeding conversation. Nevertheless you should have kept your cool. Now Lawd only knows what you may have consumed with that panini.

  19. Vivavavoom - That's the biggest scame I've heard in awhile with the duty-free confiscation. Utter bullshit. You should have grabbed the bottle and just started swigging it before they took it away. I read an article recently about a guy who did just that, and they had to take him to the hospital. So, maybe a bad idea in the end. It's good to be back.

    Gypsy - I am definitely considering it as I just need to be able to justify the $450 a year payment I have to make to Am Ex for the privilege. I am almost there. And don't knock the Swedish girls until you've tried them. Ha.

    Getoffmylawn - Good to know about the Mounties as I always thought of them as fairly even-tempered fellows. I do like the free newspaper aspect though as I usually grab a few in the airport every single time. But it's not worth the tasering to get them for free.

    TrinabeingTrina - I think that's probably the best policy, and I usually follow it to the letter. This time, however, I had been pushed too far and blame a bit of delirium and drinking on a fairly empty stomach for my behavior. Luckily, I only ate 1/2 the Panini. Ha.


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