2 Dollar Productions

"Those aren't pillows," - Steve Martin, "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"


I wish I had a pillow so I could climb under my desk and sleep today, but as my grandmother used to say, "wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first." I know the answer to that riddle.

So, let's shake off any sluggishness, and deal with major stories of the week such as:

Entertainers including the singer Mary J. Blige and rapper 50 Cent are among thousands of people whose names are turning up in an investigation into obtaining steroids or human growth hormones, an Albany newspaper reported this week.

The Times Union reported that other possible recipients also included Wyclef Jean, Timbaland, and Tyler Perry among others.




Strangely enough, Carrot Top was not included on the list which makes the whole investigation suspect in my book.

Paris Hilton will be honored by Harvard University as "The Harvard Lampoon," the world's oldest continuously published humor magazine, has reportedly named the paparazzi darling "Woman of the Year," according to United Press International.

Paris is reportedly scheduled to accept the award in front of a large Harvard student body in the middle of Harvard Square on February 6.


There were no details provided on what Hilton would have to do to the "large, Harvard student body," but Hilton said she'd "do whatever it takes to make them happy." Indeed.

Matthew McConaughey announced this week that he is going to be a dad. The actor's publicist Alan Nierob told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the actor and his girlfriend, Brazilian model Camila Alves, are expecting a baby.

"Got some blessed news," the onetime Sexiest Man Alive posted in his online journal Tuesday. "My girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together. It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and a father and shepherding him or her through this life."


He later added the experience has been "tubular" so far, and that he planned to "blow a fat one" and meditate shirtless about the experience.

Andrew Morton, author of "Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography," published Tuesday by St. Martin's Press, alleges that the 45-year-old actor ranks second in command in the Church of Scientology.

The church responded with a 15-page statement, calling the book "a bigoted, defamatory assault replete with lies" and saying Cruise "is a Scientology parishioner and holds no official or unofficial position in the Church hierarchy."


The statement later mentioned that they have their own official "bigoted assault book," a tomb also known as the Scientology doctrine which can be purchased for $39.95 at their online gift shop.

Diane Keaton dropped a F-bomb on "Good Morning America" to promote her new film "Mad Money" this week. Keaton told host Diane Sawyer that she admired her beauty, especially Sawyer's lips, saying that if she had lips like that she wouldn't have had to work on her "f---ing personality" and would be married by now.


Personally, I prefer to work on my fucking versus working on my fucking personality, but to each their own.

In what his publisher calls a record-breaking deal, British pop star George Michael is working on a memoir to come out in the fall of 2009.

"George has promised HarperCollins a no-holds barred biography, and it's certain to be just that," the singer's manager, Andy Stephens, said in a statement Wednesday. "People aren't stupid, they're beginning to notice that the truth is more interesting than the stories the press come up with!"



His publishers simply have Faith that Michael will get the Monkey off his Back, look to his editors as Father Figures and then finish the book so they will grant him his Freedom. Whew.

Comic actor Eddie Murphy and his new wife Tracey Edmonds have split up just two weeks after their wedding in French Polynesia, People magazine reported on Wednesday.

"After much consideration and discussion, we have jointly decided that we will forego having a legal ceremony as it is not necessary to define our relationship further," the statement said.


In other words, Murphy didn't want to get married legally in the United States so he wouldn't have to pay money in the inevitable divorce settlement. He also blamed "island fever" for the dissolving of their union.

Gwyneth Paltrow is back at home and "fine" after she was admitted to New York's Mount Sinai Hospital, according to US reports. No reason for her admittance to hospital was given.


I'm no doctor, however, I assume that Paltrow's pervasive air of superiority finally made her system as sick as it does mine.

Ignoring medical maladies (and all Britney Spears stories this week), let's end with a pleasing image:


Again, I have no medical degree, but I do think that milk is good for the body. It definitely helps you grow, so grab yourself a big glass today, remember to respect your body and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS