Blog Archive

If I Had A Boat . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Monday, July 06, 2009

When you spend as much time driving as I did this past holiday weekend, you tend to notice patterns on the road.

Disturbingly large numbers of people obliviously pick their nose in full view of others, Hybrid cars do not belong in the passing lane, and everyone seems to have a boat - everyone except for me. It was this last part that gained traction in my mind as the weekend wore on because boats were being pulled behind nearly every car on the highway.

Small boats, speed boats, and a plethora of other sizes jockeyed for space on the holiday asphalt, and I wanted one too.

It seems like a fine thing to have a boat, especially when it’s 100 degrees in the summer. Being on the water, steering with one hand while the other grasps a margarita, intent on motion as well as surveying the bikini-laden passengers on deck behind a pair of pitch black sunglasses meant to camouflage ogling eyes suddenly felt like the solution to a problem I didn’t know existed.

But after doing a bit of research, it seems this is a dream better left to others. Boats are a money pit. They rot and weather more quickly the Lohan family, and only pumping vast amounts of cash into them will keep you afloat. Maybe. Then, you have to find somewhere to store the thing, and then it would drive you to buy a lake house and the slippery money slope would only continue from what I could discern from the Internet.

Instead, the solution is finding friends with boats. Forget friends with benefits as those are a dime a dozen, what you really need to do is to get chummy with people who have access to aquatic flotation devices and then discreetly find their boating schedule so you can wrangle invitations.

Kicking in gas money seems like a far better ROI than owning the craft. Besides, when someone else is piloting the thing, you can join the bikini party and not just stand on the sidelines.



  1. Miss Ash Says:
  2. It is a much better idea to befriend a boater than to own a craft yourself. Think about'll never be caught behind the wheel...this means more drinking time. As a guest you can make a mess, let rip and enjoy a good time with all the other people aka ladies letting loose.

    (in my case men...but either way you can have fun and go home while the poor sod who owns the place has to clean up, park, hitch it to his/her car etc)

  3. TROLL Y2K Says:

  5. Heff Says:
  6. I was gearing toward a comment that would have been the same as how your post ended. The same theory can be used as well for other things. Have a friend that owns a jetski, a motorcycle, a pool, etc. All the fun without the maintenance and finance issues !

    Just stay the hell away from the friend with the hot wife, lol !

  7. Miss Ash - That's what I'm thinking, and you raise several points in favor of that option. It's just a much better deal all the way around, eh?

    Troll Y2K - Thanks as I will definitely check out the link (wonder if it's one of those where you pay and have access to a number of boats as I have a friend who does this & seems to like it).

    Heff - Yeah, I should probably apply that beyond the boat thing, but it does have its limitations as you mentioned. Ha. You would have to tread carefully with that last one.

  8. Linda Says:
  9. I grew up on boats, and they are far more work and money than they are worth. Every spring and fall I watch folks around me sweat, swear and spend every free moment putting those tubs in and out of the water. That's not even addressing the cash they spend. I will admit that it's nice to be out on the water, but I find if you have enough beer to go around, a sandwich or two and offer to kick in for gas, you are a welcome guest and the heartache can be left at the dock. Whenever I hear anyone say they want a boat, I usually try to talk them out of it, or assume that they have no friends. The chartering thing works too. Just have to know what you're doing, things can go to shit pretty fast on the water. I know, I'm a ray of sunshine on this topic, just be glad you didn't bring up motorcycles ... ha!

  10. BostonPobble Says:
  11. I have never owned a boat. I have ridden (floated? speeded? sailed? whatevered...) in many. Some owned by members of my family, some owned by friends. I have never missed owning a boat. I highly recommend the friends with boats thing, though. ;)

  12. JLee Says:
  13. I agree. Although the friends with boats may not always INVITE you when you want. That's when you need 2 or 3 friends with boats! I think I'm going to work on that now...

  14. Linda - Ha. I appreciate the detail and the confirmation of what I was thinking on the subject. If you own one, you better love messing around with it & pouring money into it (at least from what I can tell). If so, great and if not, then I'll just be friends with you & definitely throw in for food, gas and drinks (and then go home afterwards).

    Bostonpobble - I like all water crafts (even Jet Skis) and have been on a few, but probably not nearly as many as you. So, that vote for FWBs carries some weight behind it. Ha.

    Jlee - Good idea. I should probably ditch work and do the same. Ha. But you're right - you need to spread it around and have at least 3 friends with boats because it's better to have too many invitations than not enough . . .

  15. I am with you when it comes to most toys. ATV, Motorcycle, boat, snowmobile, RV... money, money, money. I am perfectly happy fishing from the shore or from a cheap fibreglass canoe. There might not be room for bikini clad babes in the canoe but there are other ways to enjoy ogling without having to invest as much as you would in a small house. There's always public beaches.

  16. TROLL Y2K Says:
  17. 2bucks,

    Yes, that's what the link is. You're pretty much the proto-type customer. City dweller with tons of cash and sports car.

    I'll bet if you read the fine print on your Porsche, you'll see that you void the warranty if you tow anything heavier than Michael Jackson.

  18. Boxer Says:
  19. In Seattle, we're surrounded by water, water, water but you can only use your boat three months out of the year. My biz partner sold his a few years ago after only having the time and energy to use it a few times a year. I'm in favor of finding a friend or better yet.... replace with Jet Skis. That's what my partner did and he uses those about 6 six times a summer. Ha. Hope your 4th was fun.

    (I floss my teeth when I drive. ahahahahah)

  20. Getoffmylawn - I bet the snowmobile would be fun in your neck of the woods (mine, not so much), but you're right about lumping it in with the others. I just hope everyone doesn't feel this way or there will be nobody to borrow from. Ha.

    Troll Y2K - Ahhh, I had a feeling . . . it seems like a decent deal depending on the bill. Less hassle and more choice, which you don't necessarily get from a Porsche. Ha. Or so I've read . . . Thanks again.

    Boxer - Yeah, I was thinking that might be a problem in the NW. But jet skis are a lot of fun every time I've been on one, and I even like wiping out on them. 4th was a good time despite a lot of travel and 100 degree weather and I hope yours was spent with equal fun in cooler climates. Ha. And finally, that CAN'T be safe driving. :)

  21. I just want to go to one of those bikini parties. I don't care if it's on a boat or not.

  22. KayDee Says:
  23. My sister and BIL have a speed boat which they co-own with 4 other couples. This way the cost gets shared around, they take turns in garaging the boat and they all get to use it whenever they want. Problem solved. Your idea would work out to be cheaper but not as flexible with when you can use it.

    Personally I can live without it and Minnow's don't need a boat to get drunk and ogle pretty bikini clad girls. Just saying....

  24. slopmaster Says:
  25. yea, but the number of man points you get from a boat is nothing to sneeze at. Plus, as you point out, people will be more likely to befriend you.

  26. Farzan Says:
  27. Dude if I had a boat, id probably never go on land.

  28. Native Minnow - A fair point . . . but I think more of them occur on Yachts. Ha. Or at least the really good-looking ones.

    Kay Dee - You're definitely right about not NEEDING a boat to do that, but somehow, it feels less sleazy if you have one. Ha. Maybe not. But that sharing among 4 couples is another good approach as at least you spread the cost around that way.

    Slopmaster - Yeah, man points are nothing to sneer at, but they don't pay your bills either. Ha. Or help you out with storing and cleaning hte damn thing - at least not that often. But it would be cool to have one . . .

    Farzan - It does sound appealing, but I think I'd still split my time equally among land/sea. I refuse to discriminate. ha.


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