{This is the sixth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}
"9 1/2 Weeks" is a high-water mark for Hollywood soft-core pornography with a stellar cast led by Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger, who enter into a highly sexual relationship that touches on themes of cross-dressing, masturbation, stripping and force-feeding your partner various items from the refrigerator. 
With multiple sexual encounters, it was hard to choose the best of the bunch, however, for pure sexual tension and mystery I would go with the opening one where Rourke blindfolds Basinger.
This occurs at the beginning of their relationship, which obviously involves a high degree of trust on Basinger's part because I sure as hell wouldn't give Rourke the benefit of the doubt (and he was my favorite actor for many years). But Kim rolls the dice, and Rourke rewards her by rubbing ice cubes around her nipples, across her stomach and down around her panty line. 
Basinger shivers and moans in appreciation. Rourke looks happy as a pig in shit, and this scene proves to be a wonderful launching pad for the rest of the movie as their relationship turns increasingly more depraved as the running time grows.
The film also boasts other very good scenes such as Basinger alone and watching art gallery slides as well as a rainy romp on an outdoor stairwell where Rourke tears Bassinger's shirt apart as they grind against each other following a run-in with some street toughs. 
But for my money, this opening scene with the blindfold, ice cubes and sexual tension simmering to a boil leads the pack in a movie with many pleasures of the flesh.
-BDS
Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"
A: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of the women," - Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Conan the Barbarian"
The weather continues to be gray and overcast in Austin, which could drive a man to drinking, brooding or both. Or in the case of Lindsay Lohan to excessive cocaine use . . .
As this week, a Lohan acquaintance sold pictures to a British tabloid that show the actress reportedly snorting coke inside the bathrooms of Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel. The source also said that Lohan has been partying all night since leaving rehab, and brags about all the actors she's slept with including Jared Leto, Benecio Del Toro and Jude Law. 
The Lohan train is bound to derail in a blaze of glory very soon, but I have to admit that I would love to sift through the wreckage which would include enough blow and condoms to stock 37 orgies to the gills.
Gordon Gekko is back as Michael Douglas has agreed to reprise his excellent role in "Wall Street" for a forthcoming sequel titled "Money Never Sleeps." 
The original title was "Money Never Sleeps (And neither do I because I'm 75-years-old), but was shortened for the sake of brevity.
Former carpenter Ty Pennington, the star of the ABC reality show "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunk driving.
I've always found Pennington to be vaguely annoying, and his show, while good-hearted, to be akin to emotional pornography, but I do respect the fact that after his arrest, he simply apologized and accepted blame and didn't flee to rehab like the rest of Hollywood.
Paris Hilton is backing an online campaign asking California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to issue a pardon following her 45-day prison sentence for driving on a suspended license..jpg)
Hilton has admitted that she is not "above the law," but also added that she has no problems going "under the desk" to facilitate a pardon.
David Hassehoff's visitation rights to his children were suspended this week following the release of a video showcasing "The Hoff" sprawled out drunkenly on the floor while trying in vain to maniuplate a hamburger. His daughter recorded the video. 
Ignoring the obvious concerns around parental responsibility, my main question was why can't The Hoff afford to have any furniture in his house? You're a lot less pathetic when eating a table while drunk and stupid.
A nearly $10 million eBay bid for a car made famous by "The Dukes of Hazzard" seems to have vanished after the Ebay auction, and The General Lee's owner — actor John Schneider - is upset that the $9,900,500 winning bid appears to be a hoax. 
I would have been suspicious from the start because if you show me somebody with $10 million to throw down on an bright-Orange Charger with a giant Confederate flag residing on top of the vehicle, and I'll show you a dope with too much money. And I used to love that show as a kid.
Melanie Griffith did nothing noteworthy this week except step out in public with lower legs like this:
I don't even know what to say except that Griffith needs to NEVER wear shorts again or seek medical help immediately - possibly both.
But let's end with something a little more exciting for the weekend:
So, everybody try to shower safely, and if you get yourself tied up and wet, feel free to call me and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{This is the ninth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Harp were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* I hate when someone says to me "To tell you the truth _______" because I always wonder if they're lying to me the rest of the time.
* There's nothing worse than being condescended to while drinking (or stone-cold sober) as it is one of my biggest irritants, and nearly always provokes me to ignore that person and consider punching them in the kidneys.
* If you ever meet a good-looking woman skilled in the art of applying Johnson's Baby Oil - count yourself lucky & hitch your wagon to her - but realize that there are some things in her closet you probably don't want to know about. 
* I always worry when I'm at a fast-food restaurant and the food pictures on the board don't even look appetizing. If you can't make your food look good in a publicity shot then it probably tastes like shit.
* One of the worst jobs in the world must be working at Denny's/IHOP around 2:30 a.m. on weekends as you must be dealing with drunken assholes for 90% of your shift.
* The fact that strip clubs have reasonably priced buffets rarely works as justification for lunching there on a regular basis. 
* I hate pennies. 
* Every time I eat at Long John Silver's (which is roughly once a year), I swear it takes 2 weeks off my life span
* Who hasn't wondered what it would be like to go for a ride inside a Kangaroo pouch? That would be awesome. 
* When people try to comfort/cheer me up by saying something like "Things could always be worse" it doesn't help, and my standard reply is "No shit. But things could be a hell of a lot better too."
-BDS
{This is the fifth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}
"Showgirls" is a terrible movie, and it has no pretensions of being anything other than a trashy yet vaguely entertaining project. 
The story about a hard-as-nails dancer (Elizabeth Berkley) trying to make it into the glitzy Las Vegas productions and unseat the reigning queen (Gina Gershon) is not the stuff that Academy Awards are made of. But the sleazy world that has been created is made up of lots of exposed flesh and bad acting, the majority of which is supplied by Berkley who cast off her "Saved By The Bell" net in the most pivotal step away from Mr. Belding by any cast member until Dustin Diamond later performed a "Dirty Sanchez" during a homemade sex video.
Leaving aside Diamond's nasty sexual encounter, I've included "Showgirls" in my greatest onscreen encounters mostly because the scene in question is so awful that it's utterly hilarious.
I'm referring to the swimming pool seduction that Berkley used on Kyle McLaughlin, who wears his perpetual look of astonishment during the interlude. At various points, he looks less like he's experiencing pure ecstasy, but rather that's frightened that Berkley is having a seizure. 
His reaction seemed reasonable to me because Berkley mounts him, and then proceeds to flail around like a greased weasel in the mistaken assumption that she is making him hot and bothered.
This was a severe miscalculation in my mind because despite Berkley's bare breasts and a lot of water, this scene was far more amusing than sexual and despite all of that, it still earned a place on the list.
-BDS
This past week, we had several nasty storms roll through Austin, and on Wednesday night there was one that lasted most of the night with pelting rain and winds. I never lost power, but after that point, my home Internet connection would only work intermittently until Saturday morning, when it quit entirely. 
I spent the rest of the weekend in a haze, a feeling of loss that was frightening in scope as I had never realized how integral this connection had become in my life.
The Internet serves many masters, but for me it has been:
1) An entertainment source
2) Great for driving directions
3) A news source
4) Obviously making it possible to blog
5) A pornography depot
6) A restaurant menu locator
These are just a few of the things I have come to depend on the Internet for yet I took it for granted, like the availability of lean brisket or indoor plumbing. 
And I think I have been punished for my own blindness because my cable company cannot come until Tuesday to fix the problem. Let the punishment fit the crime I always say.
I can't promise that this won't happen again as it's easy to slip into old patterns, but let me just issue a public apology to the Net and say that I'm sorry and I can't wait for you to come back to me.
-BDS
{This is the second in an occasional series documenting some of the horrendous CD choices that I've made over the years with attempts to put into context/explain the rationale behind such purchases.}
I have nearly 500 CDs, which is by no means massive, and although I've weeded my collection down over the years by selling discs to used music shops and passed others away to friends, there still lurks many albums that have survived for various reasons - none of which involve any actual musical talent.
Artist: Vanilla Ice
Album: To The Extreme
Number of Times Played Since 2000: 3 
I remember buying this album very clearly around middle school as it was one of my first ever CD purchases along with MC Hammer, "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" and Paula Abdul "Forever Your Girl."
Now there's a triumpherate of musical power, eh?
But somehow Hammer and Abdul went away over the years, and Vanilla Ice has stayed for reasons I can't entirely fathom. Is it the clothes? 
The hair? 
The fact that Ice believes that "anything less than the best is a felony?"
Questions too horrible to ponder.
What it boils down to, I think, is that once in a blue moon I just want to put on "Ice, Ice Baby" at a party and give it a listen.
I'm telling you, when Vanilla Ice opens up with "Stop, collaborate and listen . . . " it gets everybody in a good mood. And maybe that's enough to justify the existence of this album in my CD collection, or maybe it's an indictment of my own character flaws.
Regardless, Ice is firmly implanted, and he's been there from the beginning.
-BDS
"What? Are you saying you want to get buck naked and wrestle," - Sean Wayans, "Scary Movie"
It's been raining like hell all week in Austin, giving me a taste of what it must be like to live in the Northwest for much of the time. I've been getting stir crazy from the moisture, but let's hope the weekend outlook stays drier and in the meantime, let's examine some hard-hitting stories like:
Alec Baldwin, who called his 11-year-old daughter a "thoughtless little pig" in a phone message, announced plans to write a book about "parental alienation" this week. 
The actor said it will be a message to all the "swine, err women out there who tell their daughters not answer the phone." At least Baldwin didn't go to rehab following the debacle like most celebrities seem to these days.
Courtney Love is set to auction her late husband, Kurt Cobain's things very soon with the exception of a few things for her daughter including "a sweater, a guitar and the lyrics to `(Smells Like) Teen Spirit.'" 
Asked why she was selling Cobain's stuff, Love replied that "cosmetic surgery and lipo doesn't come cheap." When a reporter pointed out that lipo could fall under the category of cosmetic surgery, Love called him a "know-it-all asshole" and stormed off.
Danny DeVito has launched a signature line of the citrus-flavored liqueur that reportedly fueled his seemingly drunken appearance on The View back in November.
The new drink will taste like lemonade mixed with DeVito's after-shave, but it will help you make it through an episode of "The View."
It's over for Gisele Bundchen and Victoria's Secret as the lingerie brand's CEO, Edward Razek, said Tuesday that "We wish her all the best and thank her for her extraordinary work. She will continue to be a very visible part of the world's sexiest brand through the remainder of the year."
Bundchen will also continue to hold a place in my fantasy file for much longer than a year. Much, much longer.
Mel B is taking ex-lover Eddie Murphy to court to make him take a paternity test to prove that Murphy is the father of her one-month-old daughter Angel Iris.
I bet Murphy is wishing that he would have taken up with a Spice Girl who wasn't known as "Scary."
But let's leave scary stuff behind, and end with a nice image like:
Let's hope everybody's cars are running well, and if you're in need & have special issues like this woman, please call me and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
1. non sequitur - a reply that has no relevance to what preceded it
I am a big fan of non sequiturs as I find them hilarious when they are done unintentionally, but then I also enjoy peppering them into my own conversations to shake things up or irritate somebody that is pissing me off.
Few things bring a discussion to a grinding halt than a well-placed one and here are a few of my favorites to be inserted into conversations as needed:
1) How much do you think I can bench press? 
2) Do you think it's hard to shear a sheep? 
3) There are gold ships and silver ships, but neither are as valuable as friendships. Think about it.
There are so many others out there, and half the fun is trying them out on a spur-of-the-moment inspiration. So, the next time some inane dialogue has got you down, throw something random into the mix and try not laugh - that ruins part of the fun.
-BDS
I saw this picture of Luke Wilson recently where he was surrounded by a bevy of blondes, and it reminded me of my thought that Wilson has the perfect level of fame and I would love to step into his shoes. 
Wilson has been in the acting game for more than a decade, and during that time he has been able to work on smaller films (Rushmore, Royal Tennebaums) while also playing the boyfriend role in big Hollywood projects (My Super-Ex Girlfriend, The Family Stone).
He has the exact amount of fame that gets him into the Playboy mansion, nets him millions of dollars every year, and yet he still doesn't get mobbed by photographers or stalked by weirdos. 
{Editor's Note: This is Jack Black pictured, not Luke Wilson}
It's the best of both worlds.
He's dated Drew Barrymore and Gwyneth Paltrow (we all make mistakes), and then he obviously enjoys the company of lesser-known females as evidenced by the above picture.
Wilson has life on a platter in my mind, and whether it's by his own design or just cosmically good luck, I envy those circumstances as my workload mounts inside my office and the Playboy mansion seems far, far away.
-BDS
{This is the first in an occasional series documenting some of the horrendous CD choices that I've made over the years with attempts to put into context/explain the rationale behind such purchases.}
I have nearly 500 CDs, which is by no means massive, and although I've weeded my collection down over the years by selling discs to used music shops and passed others away to friends, there still lurks many albums that have survived for various reasons - none of which involve any actual musical talent.
Artist: Nelson
Album: After The Rain
Times Played Since 2000: 0
Track Listing:
(Can't Live Without Your) Love & Affection
I Can Hardly Wait
After The Rain
Tracy's Song
Only Time Will Tell
More Than Ever
(It's Just) Desire
Fill You Up
Interlude
Everywhere I Go
Bits & Pieces
Will You Love Me?
Too Many Dreams (Import Bonus Track)
Keep One Heart (Import Bonus Track)
Matthew and Gunnar Nelson, the Barbie Twins of rock had a minor hit with "Love and Affection" many years ago, and I believe that I bought this album somewhere around middle school, which should allow for mitigating circumstances as this was a bad time period for clothes, hair and especially music. 
If two guys looked less like rockers than Nelson, I can't think of them. These guys were sporting some of the longest, most bleached hair around when this album was recorded, and just seemed like the kind of sensitive Southern California boys that your Mom would like for her daughter to bring home (the fact that they could all share hair tips was probably just an added bonus).
The only rationale I have for this album choice was that I must have been trying to seduce some girl through the romantic, heartfelt stylings of "Love and Affection." It seemed like a sincere choice at the time, and the title track wasn't half-bad either if I remember correctly.
But that doesn't explain why it's still around my collection, an outcome I refuse to ponder too closely lest I be tempted to throw it in the player and really feel bad about my decision.
-BDS
"Time, why you punish me," - Hootie and the Blowfish
I'm not much into quoting Hootie, but for some reason that song got stuck in my head and coincided with a general feeling I've been having about time. 
Over the past few years I've grown extremely protective of my time because it's one of the few things that you never get back. There's also never enough of it to satisfy me.
To combat this predicament, any request of my time must undergoe rigorous scrutiny before I agree to the challenge.
Nowhere is this increasing litmus test more apparent than in the social obligations that I agree to attend. In high school and college, I would go to nearly any event regardless of whether I liked most of the people or not.
It was expected, and there was always a decent chance of getting completely drunk, hooking up, making an ass of myself or all of these at the same time.
But now, I have no time for getting together for dinner parties, drinks or virtually anything that is being spear-headed by people I consider work friends or acquaintances. 
Friends with durabilitiy are an entirely different matter. Those are vital to life, but the rest I could do without and have been for many years now. I'm not rude about turning down invitations, yet there's always a convenient excuse for me not to attend some event.
I tend to worry about people who feel driven to spend every waking moment with somebody else. I've always thought that if you can't entertain yourself that you're probably not very good company for other people.
There's no question that I would rather spend an evening alone, doing anything except making small talk with a group of people that will never enhance my life and only contribute to stealing away my free time away from work. My capacity for these kinds of evenings has diminshed faster than Britney Spears' self respect.
Obviously, this is all a cover-up for the fact that I didn't do a damn thing this weekend and enjoyed it.
-BDS
{This is the fourth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}
David Lynch movies are usually incomprehensible, extremely creepy and musically unnerving. While I respect his work, I tend to enjoy Lynch in small doses - much like Frosted Flakes and spanking .
"Mulholland Drive" is easily one of his best films ("Blue Velvet" being another one) as it does make sense in a Lynchonian way, and also features one of the hottest lesbian scenes in cinema history. 
The "plot" follows the nightmarish descent of an amnesiac woman (Laura Harring) into several worlds in Hollywood as she attempts to recover her memories with the help of Betty (Naomi Watts). These are the main characters in the film, but there are numerous others who appear in a world that is hard to decipher but impossible not to watch. 
Even If Lynch doesn't capture your imagination, "Mulholland Drive" is worth a rental for the scene with Watts and Harring near the film's conclusion where they caress, nuzzle and get extremely naked on a couch.
Harring in particular just oozes sex in this film and Watts really rises to the occasion as well as both are topless, both look great and nobody holds anything back. 
These are key elements of any good sex scene, and the fact that the participants in "Mulholland Drive" are great-looking women and fine actors only enhances the appeal.
-BDS
"You look like a doily," - Ethan Hawke, "Reality Bites"
It seems like it's been rather slow in Hollywood this week, but I suppose these things happen as you can only have so many Britney melt-downs, so many Anna Nicole stories, and so many stars checking into rehab. Then again:
Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers, currently starring in Showtime's "The Tudors," checked into rehab for alcohol abuse this week.
His representative, Meredith O'Sullivan said "After a non-stop succession of filming, Jonathan Rhys Meyers has entered an alcohol-treatment program."
I suppose it's good to have someone check into rehab BEFORE saying/doing something amazingly stupid, but the rationale still seems lame because I work a succession of many days every single year and it has yet to drive me to seek help.
Beauty queen Shanna Moakler has infuriated Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan after she posted their contact details on her MySpace page.
In a related story, I have been hanging out at a pay phone by the local 7-11 for hours on end this week making calls. Many, many calls.
When not sparring with the bloated toad known as Karl Rove, singer Sheryl Crow also made a case for using only one square of toilet paper when you go to the bathroom to help save the planet. 
I think we all would like to help the Planet here and there, but when it comes to the Earth or wiping my own ass, it's really not much of a decision at all. Recycling my newspapers is an entirely different matter.
Hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons said Monday that the recording and broadcast industries should consistently ban three racial and sexist epithets from all so-called clean versions of rap songs and the airwaves.
Expressing concern about the "growing public outrage" over the use of such words in rap lyrics, Simmons said the words "b**ch," "h*" and "n**ger" should be considered "extreme curse words."
We'll see if this gains any traction as I foresee many problems, but in response, the Country Music Association is looking into banning any song with words like "cheating," "trains" or "getting drunk" in them which will leave tons of dead airtime to fill.
Rosie O'Donnell will leave "The View" TV show when her contract expires in June, ABC announced Wednesday. 
I guess Rosie told ABC execs that they could "have a nice View of her giant behind" as she walked out the door after the sides couldn't come to terms on a new contract.
In the midst of serving a 35-day jail sentence in Florida on contempt -of-court charges and fresh off a federal indictment on multiple counts of bribery and tax evasion, Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild mastermind, just got himself another legal headache as prosecutors charged him with misdemeanor sexual battery.
According to his 18-year-old female accuser, Francis approached her at the swanky party and touched her breasts, buttocks and inner thighs, despite her repeated protests for him to stop.
The two things that surprise me about this include: 1) What was Francis doing at a swanky party in the first place 2) The girl was actually 18.
Hugh Grant has been arrested for allegedly throwing a container of baked beans at a photographer, London police said.
The Metropolitan Police don't identify suspects who haven't been charged, but said a 46-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night on suspicion of assault and released on bail. No charges have been filed, police said.
The photographer said Grant became very angry after being snapped eating a giant bowl full of beans, and after hurling the fiber-dense side dish, Grant pushed him roughly to the ground and pinned his arms while blowing farts onto his cheat for half an hour prior to the police showing up.
As ugly as that image is, let's end with a better one:
Since it's the end of week, get everything off your chest and let nothing weigh you down and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
