{This is the Twentieth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, we had a mini-celebration (more on that in a later post) and a few pitchers of Sam Adams Summer Ale were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* It feels good to be back
* Never get a straight-razor shave from anyone wearing bifocals
* Referring to your high school sporting accomplishments after college graduation is just plain sad
* Whoever said patience is a virtue was probably a lazy bastard
* You'll witness some great and horrible things at 3 a.m. inside a Denny's restaurant 
* Nudists are generally the last people anyone would want to see naked
* Tan lines on attractive women provide a fine map for exploration areas if you get lost
* Always pay escort services in cash
* Never spend the night at a house where the owner boasts a sword collection
* Roast Beef is the most erotic of all the deli meats
* Nothing called Horny Goat Weed can actually work
* "Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure." - Ambrose Bierce
-BDS
Effective immediately, $2 Dollar Productions will be shutting down operations - temporarily - for the month of May. 
Luckily, the impetus for the decision sprang from recent good news rather than a forced shut-down due to insanity, job loss, divorce, an all-consuming heroin addiction, blindness from masturbation, death, destruction or having my penis chopped off in the middle of the night. 
Small favors.
Instead, my brother and I agreed to a revised outline of our screenplay - "Monkey Business" - with the movie producer/director we've been working off and on with since the beginning of 2008(see bottom of the post for history).
We'd been working through the outline for the past 6 weeks as the guy went to Florida to direct a movie. He returned to Austin in April, and after sitting down with him for a four hour meeting last week, he said that our script was something that he wanted to pursue.
The good news was as follows:
* He wants to direct it himself if possible, and if not, then to work with Sony or another studio to try and get it funded
* He wants to attach his name as a co-writer (a concession that we would make if this thing ever happens)
* He can allegedly get the script directly to a major comedy star that I actually like and that everyone would recognize (don't want to jinx anything by mentioning it right now)
* He wants to get the script written to match the outline right away
It's hard to believe that there's a chance in hell that any of the above might occur (and we're still instensely skeptical until it does). But my brother and I both agree that we must strike quickly while we have his attention.
So, instead of blogging and virtually anything else this month, we are going into the trenches to churn out a script that we are angling to finish by Memorial Day Weekend. We'll see.
I plan to write before work, at work and after work. The last version of the original script was finished in October 2007 and equates to about 50% of the revised outline, a fact that means I will be writing a considerable amount of new material.
It's somewhat daunting, however, the door seems to have been nudged ajar and we are going to attempt to kick the damn thing completely open. Why not?
I firmly believe that when you've got luck running with you that you ought to push things to the edge and beyond. That theory will be tested soon enough.
But all things are driving towards a completed screenplay by the end of the month, which means I need a small break from the blog. It will be strange as the longest time-off I've taken in two years has been a vacation week here or there. 
In the interim, I hope everybody has a hell of a good month and when June rolls around I should hopefully return with a few decent stories to tell.
-BDS
{I would be remiss if I didn't mention and say thanks to a fellow blogger who was the genesis of the effort. She met the producer/director at a Bennihana and said "I know someone who is writing a screenplay" and the rest has brought things to this point. Thank you.}
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I got an early birthday present this past weekend during my second meeting with the film producer (see old entry at bottom of this one for history).
We had a 30-minute conference call on Sunday to discuss his thoughts after reading the full script for "Monkey Business." I always imagined or rather hoped that such a conversation would take place at a hipper-than-thou Hollywood club, however, this one took place with me drinking coffee in my underwear inside my loft. Selah. 
The first thing I learned was that this guy just signed on to direct his first comedy, which begins shooting in Florida next week. This was good news in the long term as our script is meant to be funny.
The second item was that he actually read the full script, and he still liked the overall plot and concept. He was also still interested in exploring things further, and his three main points for my brother and I to work on were:
A) Make the main characters more likable/empathetic early in the script
B) Develop the love story more
C) Have 1 - 2 more "outrageous" moments of comedy that people would be talking about
He cited the hair gel scene in "There's Something About Mary" as an example of the last point. Of course. 
My gut reaction is to:
A) Have both main characters save a cat from a tree, thwart a mad-dog rapist and kidney punch a would-be church arsonist within the first 5 pages
B) Feature an envelope-pushing, sweaty sex scene or two
C) Ponder other bodily fluids to be used as hygiene products
But those are just my initial thoughts.
Anyway, while he's in Florida shooting the movie, my brother and I supposed to work up a detailed outline to address the points we discussed. Our contact will be back in Austin at the end of February, and at that time, we'll re-connect to discuss the changes. It will be time for a decision (at least in my mind) at that stage, so the next month will require a fair bit of work.
I only hope the final meeting will be held at a nightclub with loads of champagne and debauchery at hand. We'll see.
-BDS
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I got semi-good news this weekend as I spoke to the film producer who now has a comedy script - "Monkey Business" - written by my brother and I resting in his hands. 
{Editor's Note: Unfortunately, there are no actual monkeys in the screenplay.}
As a quick recap, this started about a month ago with a random introduction to the producer followed by:
* The producer asking for a script treatment to read
* Me frantically writing a treatment which totaled about 12 pages
* A coffee shop meeting where we discussed his thoughts on the treatment.
* He liked the premise and the characters and asked for the full script
* We mailed the script and celebrated a very minor victory with a couple of pitchers
These past few weeks, we have wondered how our actual script has been holding up, and after calling the producer to find out, we discovered that so far the feedback is still positive.
On the phone, he said that he had already read the script once, then silence. This felt ominous so I said, "Well, I hoped you laughed a few times."
He said "Yes, I did." Then more silence.
"So, what are your impressions so far?" I asked.
This time he went into a bit of length, and stated that he still really liked the premise, the story structure and the comedy. The main changes he saw right now was adding more depth to the characters to juxtapose the comedic situations with something more firmly rooted in reality.
Fair enough. I can add depth any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I'll just splice in a few scenes with main characters pontificating slowly about life set against some background that's highly symbolic - like a rotted-out dumpster or more to the point, the broken-down dumpster of life. 
Well, maybe something else, but it is a reasonable fix and far easier than blowing up the structure or adding characters.
The call ended with the producer telling me that he wanted to read the script a second time before we met again to discuss his thoughts in more depth. So, we now have plans to sit down the week after Thanksgiving or the first week of December, depending upon the projects that he's working on.
But regardless, it was certainly good news that our finished screenplay held up under his initial examination. It sounds like round of celebratory pints are in order to me as every little step is a small victory when you're coming out of nowhere.
-BDS
"My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just illegal." - Charlie Sheen, "Hot Shots"
I always play to win, and today is no different as I am engaged in a battle to finish my work and get out of the office to enjoy the day. Before that struggle is over and I am declared the victor, however, let's take a look at the tough stories of the week such as:
Miley Cyrus was apologizing this week for the pictures that have appeared online and in print recently which showcased a different side of the wholesome pop starlet.
Regarding the photos on the Internet, Cyrus said these were "silly, inappropriate shots" and she was sorry if she had disappointed anyone.
"I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect," she said. "Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life's journey."
The other guiding force in her statement was the Disney executive who was holding a pen knife to her back until Cyrus apologized and stopped slowing merchandise sales.
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are reportedly engaged and possibly even married as a source close to Mariah has confirmed to “Access Hollywood” that the music diva and the “Drumline” star are going to be hitched.
The couple started the rumor mill when 38-year-old Mariah was seen sporting a huge piece of bling on her ring finger at the after party for her Tribeca film, “Tennessee, in New York.” When asked at the party what he loved about Mariah, Nick Cannon said “everything.” 
Cannon later added "especially her money."
Rumors that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are dating started spreading after the two were seen having a private lunch together in a Miami restaurant that opened just for them on Friday afternoon.
The duo arrived at the Michael's Genuine Food & Drink restaurant while it was closed between lunch and dinner hours, but the manager, Charles Bell, said he was happy to accommodate them.
"I can't speculate on what kind of meeting it was but they looked happy and seemed to have a great time," Bell says, as quoted by People magazine.
After reading the story, Jennifer Love Hewitt's representatives sent Aniston a note saying that you might have Mayer now, but "my body will always be a Wonderland." Petty.
The woman linked to the sex scandal that forced former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer to resign last month is suing "Girls Gone Wild" adult video founder Joe Francis for more than $10 million for the illegal use of her name and image.
In the lawsuit, filed on Monday in federal court in Miami, Ashley Alexandra Dupre contends that she was 17 and not old enough to sign a legally binding contract when she appeared partially nude in video footage filmed in 2003 by members of Francis' Mantra Films production company in Miami Beach.
"At the time of these events, plaintiff did not understand the magnitude of her actions nor that her image and likeness would be displayed in videos and DVDs produced and distributed by defendants," the lawsuit says. "Defendants created the false impression that plaintiff has endorsed and/or approves of the graphic sexual content, including lesbian acts, contained in the video, which in reality she does not."
Dupre obviously disapproves of any sexual acts which aren't performed for lots and lots of money.
Teen star Jamie Lynn Spears' mother has let it slip that the pregnant actress is expecting a baby girl.
The 17-year-old star confirmed she was expecting her first child in December, and now her mom, Lynne, has been overheard telling friends the baby will be her first granddaughter.
A source tells Life and Style magazine, "I heard Lynne talking about Jamie Lynn's baby. She said Jamie Lynn and the baby's dad (Casey Aldridge) were so excited when they found out it's a girl."
It's so lucky that the gender turned out to be a female because the Spears clan has been so successful with girls up to this point.
Paula Abdul went off the tracks on "American Idol" this week as the show switched up the judges' format by making them hold their appraisals until every contestant had a turn. Abdul offered her feedback Tuesday for two songs by Jason Castro — except that he'd only sung one.
"Oh gosh, we've never had to write these things down ... fast enough," she began, shuffling through her notecards. "Jason, first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear, um ... ." "The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn't — it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty."
"The two songs," she continued, "made me feel like you're not fighting hard enough to get into the top four."
Personally, I fear that Abdul's brain is not fighting hard enough to speak in coherent sentences and thoughts.
Jimi Hendrix is the latest celeb to pop up in a sex tape as there is now a 11-minute video being peddled by Vivid Entertainment.
The L.A.-based adult entertainment company reports the 40-year-old tape came their way via a memorabilia collector. The footage allegedly features Jimi engaging in various sex acts with two Foxy Ladies in a dimly lit room. 
Vivid has consulted with experts to verify the authenticity, however, it has been hard to confirm due to the Purple Haze which makes viewing difficult.
David Blaine set a new breath-holding record on the Oprah Winfrey Show this week.
Submerged in a water-filled sphere on the stage of the show, Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds. That bested the previous record of 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland's Peter Colat, according to Guinness World Records.
"I feel great," Blaine said and later added that breaking the record was a fulfillment of "a lifelong dream."
My dream is that I never have to see Blaine on television ever again, but I doubt I will be able to live that dream.
Speaking of wish fulfillment, let's end with a gold image for the week: 
I love when I have the world at my feet, and I can defintely appreciate this woman's stance. So, rise above the muck, step on the neck of anyone who stands in your way and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
One of the great pleasures of working is an invitation to a "Going Away" lunch.
These events are typically necessitated by a co-worker who is voluntarily leaving for greener pastures. They have already put in their two weeks notice, and are simply wrapping up HR issues, cleaning porn off their laptops and dropping by your desk for goodbye conversations.
Not all "Going Away" lunches are created equal, however, as the best ones constitute an invitation by another department for a departing colleague that you barely even know. 
This occurred yesterday as I scored a lengthy lunch at PF Changs, which gave me the opportunity to sit at the far end of the table with a small group of co-workers and attack lettuce wraps, lemon pepper shrimp and kung pao scallops. 
The action was at the far end of the table where the person with the impending departure was holding court with his immediate department.
The key is to validate your invitation early, and then move far away.
I walked into the restaurant, saw the guy at one end of the table, clapped him on the back and said a few pithy and parting words before scurrying to opposite end to carve out a territory for my other work friends.
Two hours later, the meal was finished and the tab was picked up by the company. I was able to relax, stay on the fringes and soak up a good meal while considerably shortening a Monday.
This was work at its finest.
-BDS
"I knew I could always count on you
My old friend the Blues," - Steve Earle, "My Old Friend the Blues"
As I mentioned last week, it's easy to fall into the Blues on a Sunday, however, yesterday was an entirely different animal as I underwent a regime which cured all ugly thoughts, and one that I could recommend to virtually anyone.
It started with the rain. I woke up early to the sound of it pounding down outside, and then promptly went right back to sleep. When I awoke for a second time, I decided to immediately clear the brain by running on the treadmill and then putting on the boxing gloves for some light sparring which provided a nice endorphin rush.
After a quick shower, I cooked and ate a massive breakfast followed by a pot of Kona coffee while casually reading through two Sunday newspapers.
The rain had passed by this time, and the sun began to emerge from the clouds. I drove with the top-down to my masseuse for a deep-tissue session, which took more than an hour as she kneaded me like dough, drove her elbow into various points of my back and ignored my yelps of pain.
She was a true professional. Besides having powerful hands which aren't attached to a body that resembles a female version of Lou Ferrigno, I like my masseuse because she understands the value of silence. This is a lost art as a lot of people want to consistently fill the void with chatter, and especially during a massage, I don't want to say a word except "you are about to drive your hands through my spine."
On the drive home, I felt loose and relaxed and that feeling led to an hour nap after I stepped inside my loft.
I woke up and watched some of the NBA play-offs, and read magazines. Then, I got a bizarre, yet powerful lust for Popeye's chicken and Heineken. I hadn't consumed either in a long while, and never at the same time. But I didn't think too deeply on the matter, and instead, drove to pick up both items. 
As I munched on fried chicken and washed it down with ice-cold beer, I knew life could be a lot worse.
By this time, it was starting to get dark, and I needed to get ready to meet my brother downtown for a concert. We were going to see Steve Earle, a singer-songwriter who last year was hailed as "America's greatest living songwriter" by a major UK publication. 
Earle, who is usually backed by a loud band, played a solo acoustic show for more than 2 hours, and it was excellent as the crowd was knowledgeable and the Shiner Boch was cold. Too cold and too plentiful.
Luckily, there was a lone remaining survivor of the Popeye's chicken massacre when I arrived home at midnight. I tore the delicious bird apart like a werewolf during a mating frenzy, slugged down two waters and a G2 Gatorade and then flopped down in bed, content with a Sunday which was set apart from most by a confluence of lucky events that I would love to see repeated every single week.
The only problem is that Monday morning came way too early, and the perfect Sunday repercussions are still playing out. I guess there are flaws in every plan.
-BDS
"Does anybody actually own a white Taurus, or are they all rentals?" - Patrica Arquette, "Flirting with Disaster"
Somehow this week has flown by, and that is fine with me as the weekend is looming and overflowing with possibilities as I already have a concert to attend and a deep-tissue massage scheduled. But before I get started with anything else, let's take a look at the important stories of the week such as:
Sandra Bullock and her husband Jesse James were unhurt after the car they were traveling in was struck by a drunk driver this week.
Police Lt. Jerry Cook said the Hollywood couple were being driven in an when a car driven by Lucille Gatchell crossed the center line and hit them, totaling both vehicles but hurting nobody. Cook also said that Gatchell tested .20 on an alcohol breath test, more than twice the legal limit.
Despite her past difficulties with public transportation in "Speed," it might be safer for Bullock to take the bus in the future.
Three years after tying the knot, Star Jones has decided to end her marriage to banker Al Reynolds.
The 46-year-old TV personality filed divorce papers March 26 in New York Supreme Court in Manhattan. The records are sealed, syndicated entertainment show "Entertainment Tonight" reported Wednesday.
In a statement to "Entertainment Tonight," Jones said: "Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce."
I think the media made an even bigger mistake by accepting Star's invitation.
Racy photos of Miley Cyrus - the teen idol better known as "Hannah Montana" - have popped up on the Web -- again.
The batch of pictures, which are allegedly the 15-year-old Cyrus, show her lying on top of an unnamed male in just her bra and underwear as well as another depicting Cyrus pulling down her tank top and showing her green bra.
The unidentified male has been trying to leak his identity as well, but major media outlets have yet to confirm if "Flo Idaho" is his real name.
In other Miley Cyrus news, the pop star/actress plans to write a memoir about her journey to stardom, the Disney Book Group said on Tuesday.
The book, to be published by Disney-Hyperion Books and scheduled to hit bookshelves next spring, will trace her life from her roots in the Southern United States to Hollywood celebrity and will feature photographs from her famous family.
I could care less about a book of knowledge written by any 15-year-old, however, I am vaguely curious to learn how many times the words "I just want to thank my fans" and "awesome" appear in the book.
Transformers actress Megan Fox has been named the world's sexiest woman in an FHM magazine poll as the 22-year-old took the crown from last year's winner Jessica Alba.
"Megan Fox is a very deserving winner of this year's FHM title," Anthony Noguera, FHM's editor-in-chief said. "From out of nowhere, she's captured the hearts - and fantasies - of British men to capture the number one slot. With such incredible competition, and after just one major film role, that is an amazing achievement."
I've got nothing to add on this one because I agree completely with the award, and you'd have to be crazy as a Fox to feel otherwise.
A federal judge has sentenced action star Wesley Snipes to the maximum three-year sentence on tax charges.
Prosecutors had requested three years, one year for each of Snipes' convictions of willfully failing to file a tax return. 
In his ruling, the judge also declared the Blade movie series to "be entirely overrated in my opinion."
Former "Baywatch" star David Hasselhoff was taken to the University of California, Los Angeles Medical Center on Saturday to have something removed above his eye, his publicist, Judy Katz, told The Associated Press Monday.
"He's fine, he had something removed, he's coming out tonight," Katz said, declining to elaborate on what was removed.
Thousands of Germans are still holding candlelight vigils in case the surgery somehow affects Hasselhoff's vocal cords rendering him unable to tour the country.
Let's not end with mangled body parts, and instead, bookend last week's gold image with another from that same shoot: 
I assume this is the front to the previous week's back, which is fine with me as I'm all for completing the arc. So, try to bring things full circle today, close the loop on any lingering mysteries and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{This is the Nineteenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, we had a mini-celebration (more on that in a later post) and a few pitchers of Spaten were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* The only thing you're mocking while wearing a mock turtleneck is yourself 
* Power walking is still walking - you just look strange while doing it
* Unless you're a male stripper, then there is never enough justification for a thong
* Lesbians have a strong affinity for Westerns
* "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol is always a good karaoke choice to get the crowd going
* A Koala Bear would make a phenomenal pet
* Customer Support hotline jobs must be a dream gig because it seems to be a license to piss people off with absolute immunity
* You will never get a reasonable answer to "Don't you already have enough shoes?"
* Anyone is the most interesting person in the world on cocaine
* Have sex on any part of a car except inside the trunk
* Never got to bed with anyone crazier than you
* "The worse thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." — William Butler Yeats
-BDS
Sundays usually depress me, and yet I masochistically chose to make yesterday worse by going shopping.
I knew this was a mistake from the beginning, however, it was a necessary evil as I had put off buying things to "warm up" my loft for awhile. Later this year I plan to put it up for sale despite a climate that is far from booming.
Austin has done better than most markets, a fact that gives me some hope, but then again, I'm in no real hurry to move which makes everything less stressful - except the shopping.
To successfully navigate this arena, I must have a solid plan to adhere to or the effort is doomed. I do not window-shop, dilly-dally, loiter, browse or jack around with shopping. When push comes to shove, I am filled with a single-minded purpose akin to Lindsay Lohan spotting a vodka bottle across a crowded nightclub. 
I will not be denied.
To that end, I needed to purchase a rug with "warm" colors, throw pillows, a vase and things to make the loft smell like a pack of rose-petaled virgins live there. I gave myself two hours to accomplish this task.
I decided that I could find what I needed within 3 different stores. These establishments formed a rough triangle from each other, and I devised an intricate route to maximize the distance covered while minimizing the time spent driving. The thing that I should have accounted for was the plethora of salespeople who hounded me at every turn.
While looking at candles in one store, I was stalked by this one employee and repeatedly asked "Do you have any question?"
About candles? No, I generally think I grasp the concept of burning something to emit a particular odor by now.
I did have a question which I failed to ask, which was: "Who the hell invented the $30 throw pillow?" 
If anyone has the answer to that mystery, I'd love to know so I could find the bastard and throw him through a plate-glass window.
But my plan worked and I found everything I needed in 1 hr. 45 minutes. It took another half-hour to put it all down, but it's here now:
In celebration, I rarely left the couch for the rest of the day as I had a stack of magazines to read, Dos Equis to drink and the NBA play-offs to provide tonic to a challenging day.
-BDS
