I haven't seen the "Transformers" movie this summer, but I do know that Megan Fox plays a role in the production, and for that reason alone it feels like I should make some time because she reminds me of Angelina Jolie back in her crazy/sexy days of yore.
That's not to say that Jolie is no longer sexy, but rather there's a particular kind of allure that comes from inexperience coupled with hubris and a body that could provoke deviant thoughts from a blind monk. These are all qualities that I see in Fox, but the unsettling thing I read about her recently was that she was engaged to Brian Austin Green or David Silver of "Beverly Hills 90210" fame.
Green has always confounded me beginning with the TV show as I could never figure out why Dylan, Brandon, Kelly and the gang allowed him to hang around in the first place. He became more reasonable as the series played out, however, there were many times that I would have told him to get lost early in the game.
In real life, Green fathered a child by Vanessa Marcil, an actress who I consider to be extremely attractive and a compelling presence. Dylan might have gotten the best of her on '90210,' but it was Green who took things up a notch off-screen. 
I always figured the Marcil relationship could have been a fluke. A fly in the ointment. Some kind of cosmic tomfoolery, and that once it was over that Green would have climbed the mountain and could slowly sink back into the slimy sea of skanks.
But now Green has trumped me yet again by pulling a Fox out of his hat in an unexpected display of swordsmanship that has won my grudging respect yet left me suspicious that he might have found an unlimited supply of Spanish Fly at his house.
It will be hard to prove that his hold over Fox is not genuine, so unfortunately, I can only raise questions and remain firmly on the sideline, content to be green with envy.
Bastard.
-BDS
My duck theme for this week was continued when I saw this picture somewhere in Cyberspace: 
Suit by Ann Taylor: $350
Purse: $200
Getting played like a violin by a duck on a public sidewalk: Priceless
-BDS
There's a particular kind of laugh that erupts from me whenever something unexpected happens.
It sounds like a buzz-saw crossed with a duck orgy, and that's exactly what happened on Saturday night as I sat in a huge backyard listening to Bob Schneider, a fixture in the Austin music scene who also gained some national notoriety a few years ago by dating Sandra Bulluck. 
Schneider has a big voice, and a style that ranges from bluegrass to rock and nearly everything in-between. Schneider sometimes plays with a large band called the Scabs or Ugly Americans, who are known for up-tempo party music that is frequently filled with filthy yet catchy lyrics.
But on Saturday night, Schneider was playing his acoustic set with one other musician for 2 hours in front of 75 fairly conservative businesspeople. Luckily, I was not footing the bill for Bob nor had much responsbility other than looking presentable, so I was free to enjoy the loads of barbecue and Shiner Bock that flowed freely all night long. 
The show was excellent as the sound was spot-on, and I sat roughly 10 feet from the stage, 15 feet from the bar and 20 feet from the bathroom - a triangulation position that worked perfectly.
Schneider took requests for the second half of the show, and it was sometime near the end that things got interesting. From somewhere in the back, a voice called out "Let's hear Boom Boom Baby."
"Yeah, I can play that," Bob said with a small smile.
Lyrics to "Boom Boom Baby":
I'm gonna come over baby tonight
Tie you down tie you down to your bed and treat you like you like
Rub your belly rub your leg
Lick the inside of your ear until you start to beg
Lick your pussy kiss your lips
Lick your body baby from your toes to your fingertips
Talk dirty to you talk to you nice
Gonna make your body tingle baby gonna make it tingle twice
Gonna fuck you so hard that you'll say don't stop
Gonna have your pussy going snap crackle pop pop pop
Bam damn I'm the kinda man
That's gonna have you beggin me to put my dick in your hand
And you know it ain't a play toy but baby it'll do
Because you want me to come I'm gonna cum all over you
I know during the day you're gonna act all proper
But baby late at night you're a showstopper
You're just a dirty girl with a dirty mind
I'm gonna bend you over baby and show me your behind
I'm gonna make you do the nasty things you only think about
There ain't another like me baby who knows just how to turn you out
Cause baby I've got the touch
I'm gonna give you so much
I ain't your daddy I'm your lover
I'm a mac motherfucker like no other
I got the boom boom baby
That you like
I'm gonna come over baby tonight
Lay you down lay you down and treat you like you like
While your parents are asleep I'm gonna sneak into your room
And give you some of that boom boom boom
I'm gonna kiss ya lick ya suck ya fuck ya spank ya chew ya stroke ya screw ya do ya
Take you from behind and on top and underneath
And from the side tongue your nipples with my teeth
Rub your belly rub your back
Rub you just right and rub you round the track
I'll rub your pussy till its steaming
I was racked with laughter as the song got filthier by the stanza, and watching some of the faces in the crowd was even better.
With professional restraint, I managed to keep the ducks mating sound to a minimum and tried to look properly offended, but in nice touch by the host, the entire concert was recorded and CDs were handed out to guests when they left, which means I can re-live the moment over and over again.
-BDS
"Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?," - Michael Madsen, "Reservoir Dogs" 
Between blown tires and brain cells, I needed something light and airy like celebrity shenanigans to counterbalance life its ownself, and it was a full week as:
Celebrity socialite Nicole Richie pleaded guilty to driving under the influence of drugs and was sentenced to four days in jail,. Richie also confirmed that she was pregnant with Joel Madden's seed a few days later. 
After Diane Sawyer told Richie that she was showing a little, Richie promptly went on a 3-day fast.
Star Jones Reynolds said in a new interview that her dramatic weight-loss was due to gastric-bypass surgery, and that she dodged questions about it for years because she was "scared of what people might think of me."
I think it's far too late in the game for Star to start worrying about what people think of her because that ship has sailed.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were finally officially divorced on Monday, but the alimony agreement will not be made public unless there is an enforcement issue going on. It's also rumored that K-Fed might be seeking custody of their two children after reports surfaced that Spears has been feeding them Coke in bottles and looking into teeth whitening for her sons. 
Spears just needs to disappear because every day simply showcases her inability to function as a human being.
Eddie Murphy popped the question to his girlfriend of 10 months, movie producer Tracey Edmonds, this week just as Scary Spice was gearing up to sue him for a failure to pay child support. 
Nothing spells romance like a paternity suit and a court summons I suppose.
A female fan groped Tim McGraw after his concert at the Cajundome last weekend, which prompted McGraw's wife, Faith Hill, to berate the woman from onstage.
"Someone needs to teach you some class, my friend," Hill said.
That was pretty classless, but if Hill feels that McGraw is one-up on her by being groped, then maybe their tour should pass through Austin and she can even the score (obviously I would volunteer to help).
Scarlett Johansson has turned down an offer to play porn star Jenna Jameson in a movie about her life after the actress was hand-selected as the perfect person to take on the role by Jameson herself.
This is quite simply the saddest news I've heard all week.
Whoopi Goldberg was officially named as the new moderator of "The View" on Wednesday and she said the new job is a "big ol' thrill for me."
She added that: "I love this show," said Goldberg. "I love coming on it. I love hanging out with you guys."
Thankfully Barbara Walters refrained from any "let's make Whoopi" jokes - for now - and that is a very good thing.
Singer R Kelly will be tried next month for allegedly engaging in videotaped sex acts with an underage girl. Chicago judge Vincent Gaughan said jury selection would begin on 17 September - five years after the accusations were first made against the singer. 
Depending on the outcome, Kelly can only hope to be "Trapped in a Closet" because his charges could land him in a place that is far worse.
But let's not end with prison and bad feelings as I prefer this image: 
I'm all for team sports and spirit, and while I don't wear a thong to show it, I still support the effort. So, if your friends and you get inspired to line up in your underwear, feel free to do so, enjoy the attention and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
"I've never seen that before," said the voice on the other end of the phone yesterday.
You never want to hear that phrase coming from your Doctor or your financial advisor, however, it can be used to great effect in the bedroom under certain circumstances.
But it was an employee of NTB who said that, and he was placed firmly in the disturbing phrase category as he had called to inform me that a steel rod had not only punctured my tire, but also went straight through my rim which necessitated ordering an entirely new one.
So, after blowing out my tire at 6:30 a.m. and spending the day stranded at work while NTB hunted down my equipment, I got to cap it off by buying 4 new tires and 1 new wheel to the tune of $1,000.
I was due for tires anyway, but it still wasn't much fun shelling out the money. Buying tires ranks right up there with purchasing other exciting items like washers and dryers, household cleaning supplies and bootleg copies of Rosie O'Donnell's honeymoon (don't ask). 
Luckily, I now have my car back, which I plan to drive straight to happy hour later tonight to meet my brother and I already told him that he's buying the first pitcher. Selah.
-BDS
I blew a tire going 70 MPH on my way to the gym this morning, and consequently, things have been ugly and scattered which matches the tone of this post.
First, I stumbled across this quote from Rob Schneider:
“When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I’ll have an ounce of respect for her. I don’t care if her parents are both crummy – you cannot blame your parents anymore. She’s not a kid. Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life. I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there’s so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan. I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself. She’s very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who’d trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is.”
- Rob Schneider on Dina & Lindsay Lohan to People
That's probably the best thought that Schneider will ever put together, although he did have some sneaky funny-lines in "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" that surprised me too. 
But in more useful news, psychologists at the University of Texas just published a study that found a total of 237 reasons - everything from "I wanted to feel closer to God" to "I was drunk" to wanting to have a child - for deciding to have sex.
The researchers, Cindy Meston and David Buss, feel their list (published in the August issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior) is the most thorough taxonomy of sexual motivation ever compiled.
A few on the list include:
- to "help me fall asleep,"
- to "make my partner feel powerful,"
- to "burn calories,"
- to "return a favor,"
- to "keep warm,"
- to "hurt an enemy"
- to "change the topic of conversation."
The best might have been because "Someone dared me."
I'll have to remember that one next time I'm feeling frisky.
Of all the reasons to have sex, here's two reasons to avoid it at all costs: 
I'm off to check on my tires at NTB and with any luck will manage to avoid a trip to my dealership, but regardless, this ugly business should explain some of the randomness in this post.
-BDS
{This is the Eleventh in a recurring series which will explore the brutally complex concept of monogomy in increasingly outlandish scenarios. We hope these will be illuminating what-if scenarios, and that they will cultivate some intense philosophical discussions around what, if anything, really constitutes cheating.}
Is It Really Cheating If:
You find yourself in Brazil during Carnival on business, but like any rational human being, you cannot ignore the craziness, dancing and half-naked women in the streets.
Finding yourself in a mass of people, you swill rum and are dancing with exuberance rather than skill when a dark-haired exotic woman spends an extended amount of time bumping and grinding with you to the beat of the drums.
After hours of this, you've worked yourself into a frenzy and are also quite parched, so you follow her back to her house to quench your thirst (and nothing else).
Upon entering, however, you hear a loud growl from an blind older man who holds a huge Jaguar on a leash as it lunges towards you. The old man says nothing, and barely holds it back.
"He likes to watch me have sex," the woman says as she leads you to the bedroom. The old man follows with the Jaguar who menacingly growls at you as they stand in the corner of the room.
You put on a show-stopping performance as she matches every move while the drums continue to wail away outside. The man never says a word and keeps the Jaguar away from you until you finish, and then run back to the festival and later your hotel.
The next day, you fly home to your girlfriend/fiancé/spouse, but don't say a word about the encounter. So, since you were fearful about being savaged by a rabid Jaguar and since the Jaguar was the only witness to the act . . . Is it really cheating?
-BDS
Whenever I'm sick, I nearly always find that my tolerance for life's little irritants to be extremely low.
This past weekend, I still wasn't fully recovered from my cold, and so I found myself passing up invitations to do things and dwelling on other items - big and small - which were causing me serious grief.
The list included:
1) I just got a raise, but my company is headed in a strange, unsettling direction that I don't like
2) My toenails are too long
3) Lindsay Lohan and Michael Vick are so incredibly stupid that it pains me. 
4) I need a haircut
5) It's been raining for weeks on end, and my car is filthy.
6) I need to eat more fiber, but can't get it going.
7) A man whose toenails are too long should be able to at least get a little fiber into his diet
8) I need a rug for my TV room.
9) I don't want to pay for a rug for my TV room.
10)Bora Bora is too damn far away from Austin, TX. 
11) Summer television is putrid
12) I haven't won the lottery yet
None of these gripes are particular major or noteworthy, however, sometimes the simple act of listing out the shit that is causing you anger is worthwhile.
Luckily, I feel better now because getting bent out of shape about minor irritations is no way to live.
-BDS
"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist," - Kevin Spacey, "The Usual Suspects"
I've been half-sick all week since swilling Vodka in Houston last weekend, but I think we should all feel slightly better with the knowledge that none of us are Lindsay Lohan. That is a comforting thing because:
Just 11 days after completing an extended stint at Promises rehab facility, her second tour of duty in treatment this year, Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine.
Lohan later claimed the cocaine found did not belong to her. 
That excuse might have worked on Lohan's mother, Dina, who would let her daughter do anything she wanted as long as Lindsay continued to pay the bills, but I have a strong suspicion that the police and the Courts won't be as forgiving this time around.
Joining in the "Dumb and Dumber" hijinks was Britney Spears whose controversial new interview with OK! magazine started 45 minutes late and ended with the pop star storming off after two hours with more than $15,000 of designer clothes and jewelry hired for the accompanying photo shoot, according to the magazine.
Spears also damaged designer clothes, which included an Alisha Levine dress she left with grease stains after wiping the remnants of a fried chicken lunch on it.
The only person happy with interview and photo shoot that went horribly awry was Colonel Sanders, who's always a winner in my book.
But back to the police reports as Ja Rule and Lil Wayne were each arrested this week for possessing a loaded handgun after separate traffic stops on the streets of Manhattan’s Upper West Side, the police said.
Maybe the rappers were on their way to play a real life version of the computer game: Shoot The Rapper which caused controversy this week and then caused . . .
Rapper 50 Cent to sue an Internet advertising company for $1 million, claiming it illegally used his image in a game where the player pretends to shoot him.
In a statement, 50 said that while he might get rich by trading on his own wounds that "some Internet geek has no right to cash in on my bullets."
It was announced this week that CBS will pay Drew Carey a high seven-figure annual salary to replace Bob Barker as host of "The Price Is Right" 
Carey also announced that his first show will sign off with "Always remember to spay and neuter your pets and Rosie O'Donnell."
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes along with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett threw a bash for the arrival of David and Victoria Beckham in Los Angeles this week. 
The party consisted of intense talk about Xenu and Cruise's forthcoming ascension to a higher plane as well as an orgy atop stacks of $100 bills. No food was served at the event.
Singer Kelly Clarkson has ended her high-profile feud with her record label boss Clive Davis, calling him "one of the great record men of all time" after arguments over material on her new album, My December, were thought to have caused the Grammy-winning vocalist to have fallen out with the BMG chairman.
"I really regret how this has turned out and I apologies to those whom I have done disservice," Clarkson said. 
In response, Davis cancelled the contract he had taken out on Clarkson's life.
In uplifting news, Jessica Alba is single again after ending the romance with longtime boyfriend, film producer Cash Warren, media reported Thursday.
She reportedly called him and told him "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Alba later added that she was "passionately in love with a devastatingly handsome writer for 2 Dollar Productions, but I'm not naming names." And I won't either.
Since we're on a happy note, let's wrap this week up with: 
That looks a little dangerous to me, but what's life without risk? So, with that in mind, stay on your feet today, glide through work and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{This is the Twelfth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Sam Adams Summer Ale were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* Why do we all assume when reading a book or watching a movie about a disaster which wipes out 99% of the planet that we would definitely be one of the survivors?
* Vacationing in Europe is always worthwhile, but rarely relaxing.
* Never rub sunscreen on another man's shoulders - that's why spray-on sunscreen mists were invented.
* When handcuffs are involved always use a safe word. 
* I think all guys have a deep-down desire to rob a bank in some elaborate way where nobody gets hurt, you don't go to jail and you still get rich.
* I would love to race ostrich's for a living if there was a market for the activity and I could curb their surly dispositions. 
* A speech or toast overflowing with inside jokes at a mass wedding is a mistake, lazy and you sound like a buffoon.
* If you don't wear underwear be extremely careful with zippers on your pants.
* Never get a haircut from a guy with a Mohawk.
* Sea Monkeys make awful pets.
* "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut". ~Ernest Hemingway
-BDS
I had a sneaking suspicion that "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" was going to top the box office this past weekend, but I hoped that I was mistaken. 
But per usual, I am seldom wrong and right again as Chuck and Larry knocked Harry Potter off his perch to the tune of $34 million and change.
I have seen countless previews for this movie, and despite the sublime presence of Jessica Biel's body on prominent display, I have yet to find anything even remotely funny from the actual film. Most reviews I glanced at savaged the movie as inept, unfunny and generally offensive to gays, Asians and most people who like a shred of cleverness in their comedy. 
It's this last part that irritates me and also gives me the Fear. I am halfway through a re-write of a comedy script, and seeing Chuck and Larry do well at the box office just gives more ammunition to studios to make comedies as high concept and broadly as possible to draw a mass audience.
I have no problem with high concepts, Adam Sandler or being offensive, but at the end of the day, the best comedy needs to be sharp and the success of Chuck and Larry will only serve to make it duller than a butter knife.
-BDS
If someone else is picking up the tab, then I highly recommend staying at Hotel ZaZa. 
Luckily, this was the case for me this past weekend as I concerned myself with ordering room service, watching the British Open on a huge flatscreen mounted on the mirrored wall facing the bed, working out, reading, hanging out in their trendy restaurant/bar and lounging by the pool. It was a tough gig.
The main problem was that staying in such places makes me hate my own stuff upon leaving.
My pillows aren't big or soft enough. I need new furniture. And a staff to ensure that when I arrive home at 3 am smelling like a Russian distillery that I can have a burger and ice cream without driving anywhere. The individual ketchup and mustard bottles are imply a "nice to have."
The room was modern and sleek with an atmosphere that made you want to commit deviant acts because they were expected of you. Sometimes, you have to live up to a situation, and let it dictate your actions to a certain degree.
The only problem was a few events where I had to glad-hand a bunch of strangers. To cope with this scenario, I proceeded to pour copious amounts of vodka tonics down my neck until they ran out of tonic at 10:20 pm, which forced me to switch to soda. By that time, however, it could have been mixed with gasoline and I wouldn't have cared too much.
It all seemed like a good idea at the time, however, as I sit here on a Monday morning, I am forced to re-consider a lost weekend full of haze, booze and club sandwiches from room service. My head might feel like an elephant is sitting on it, but when somebody else is picking up the bill there is a moral obligation to push things too far.
That being said, it's easy to explain why I needed a hamburger and caramel ice cream at 3:30 am, but even I could not justify why someone else should pay for me to watch "Candy Stripers in Heat" 3 times in a 24-hour period.
Life is full of missed opportunities.
-BDS
