I found myself at Jack in the Box very late last night after an evening full of bullshit and more than a few libations (sp?) to keep me sane. 
I ordered a bag full of grease, and topped it off with a Blackberry shake complete with whipped cream and a cherry on top. The shake was what I was truly looking forward to as it had been a hot, steamy night.
As I drove home, the shake taunted me in my cup holder, and after pulling into the garage, it appeared that two trips up and down my staircase was going to be necessary to haul all the crap I had picked up during the day inside my loft. 
This was unacceptable as I have steep stairs and I wanted to tear into that shake. But in addition to the bag of food and shake, I also had to carry up:
1) A full gym bag
2) Coffee travel mug 1/4 full of cold coffee
3) One sack of groceries
4) One 12-pack of Squirt (for a tequila drink I wanted to make)
5) Insulated lunch box from work
6) Blackberry
So, I slung the gym bag over my shoulder, grabbed the lunch sack by the handle, shoved the Berry in my pocket, wedged the Squirt under one arm, looped the grocery sack through two finger, balanced the food on top of the lunch box, put the coffee mug in the other arm and had the shake precariously balanced in the web of my thumb and pressed against my shoulder to hold it upright. 
I got the garage door down and made it to the top of the stairs, key fitted into the lock when the shake toppled forward, dangled on arm and then splattered on my clothes, the staircase and the door.
Cursing loudly, I walked inside and got more of it on the floor and the kitchen cabinets as threw the rest of the stuff down and spent the next 30 minutes cleaning myself, the staircase and my kitchen as the food grew cold. 
The shake turned into my worst enemy, and I didn't get to sample even a tiny taste as I refused to lick the stairwell (though I briefly condsidered it).
I'm sure there was some Aesop's Fables type lesson in this ordeal about laziness or letting your hubris overwhelm all rational thought, but I was in no mood to ponder it - I just wanted a shake that I never got.
-BDS
"I'm a simple man Jack. I like simple things . . . like butter in my ass and lollipops in my mouth. But that's just me," - Floyd Gandoli, "Boogie Nights"
I've been snowed under with work this week, which severely cuts into my free time, but since I haven't found anybody to pay me to lounge around naked, eat cheetos and watch movies I suppose this cycle will continue. Some Hollywood stars found themselves out of work this week as:
"Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington, fiercely criticized for an anti-gay slur he reportedly made last year, was fired on Thursday by producers of the hit show.
"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore," Washington said in a statement.
He later added that the "pink slip" he received was clearly a gay agenda likely perpetuated by rampant lesbians that was being forced upon his raging heterosexuality.
In other victim-related news, Paris Hilton says she will no longer "act dumb" and also said that she hoped the media would focus on "more important things" than her 45-day jail sentence.
"I used to act dumb. ... That act is no longer cute," ABC quoted Hilton as saying.
Hilton later added that she hates to give up this air-headed role as it will likely be the best and most natural acting that she will ever perform.
Wesley Snipes attorneys argued this week that he is a victim of "unscrupulous tax advice" and is being selectively targeted for prosecution on federal tax evasion charges because he is black.
A federal judge is still considering the motion, which stems from Oct. 17th charges that Snipes fraudulently claimed refunds totaling nearly $12 million in 1996 and 1997 for income taxes already paid. The star of the "Blade" trilogy and other films also was charged with failure to file returns from 1999 through 2004.
Ignoring the race issue for a moment, how dumb do you have to be to take tax advice from ANYBODY who tells you that it's not a good idea to file returns for 5 straight years?
Lynne Spears talked about Britney's mistakes this week, and chalked them up to the kind we all make and that her girl is "just figuring things out."
"It's sad that the whole world had to watch her make mistakes that all of us have made at one time or another," Mama Spears said. 
{Editor's Note: This photo was taken this week, so at least Spears has started flashing her panties and not her c-section scars. Small favors.}
It is true that Britney has a lot higher profile and a national stage to display her mistakes, but I don't recall flashing my package at random people while exiting cars or shaving my head or entering rehab even when I was in my early 20s and drinking like a fish while behaving like an animal. But that's just me.
Just two days after parting ways with her manager, Kelly Clarkson has canceled her upcoming summer tour over disappointing ticket sales, yet another sign of turmoil as she prepares to release her third album, "My December."
It's shocking that a singer who rose to fame by singing other people's songs ran into trouble when she suddenly decided that she should write her own lyrics. You could have blown me over with a feather.
Dan Rather slammed the dismal ratings of CBS News with Katie Couric this week.
"The mistake was to try to bring the 'Today' show ethos to the 'Evening News' and to dumb it down - tart it up in hopes of attracting a younger audience," he told Joe Scarborough on MSNBC's "Morning Joe."
CBS CEO Leslie Moonves called Rather's remarks "sexist."
Rather later responded that Leslie sounded "like a girls name to me, and I don't listen to girls except in the kitchen."
But let's not end with feuds and name-calling as I would prefer to conclude with a pleasing image: 
I personally feel bad for this woman, who apparently is unsure how to properly use a chair, and I would gladly volunteer my vast knowledge to show her the way. So, help those in need today, don't sit on your ass too much and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
I watched "Ocean's Eleven" last night, and was reminded that the movie was easily one of the most stylishly entertaining projects of the past decade. 
There was no social significance or deep themes running through the film. It had all the deepness of a rain puddle, and the weight of a popcorn fart. It was simply a cool, well-produced effort that used an efficient running time and top-notch ensemble cast to achieve its goal of providing old-school Hollywood entertainment, and everything came up aces.
I even found it oddly touching when the group stands around watching the Bellagio fountain near the end of film as I can vividly recall that scene when the others fade away.
It was easy to forget just how good Eleven was because "Ocean's Twelve" was a lazy, indulgent and greedy piece of filmmaking. This project seemed to exist solely to allow Clooney and company to vacation around Europe with the audience footing the bill. 
The script was inane, and barely made sense. There was a smugness that emanated from the film that was equally unappealing. Essentially, I felt that the gang of thieves was robbing me, and that I was paying for them to summer vacation across the pond and to buy Brad Pitt more raincoats to wear in the film.
It wasn't unwatchable, but it wasn't any fun either.
Now that "Ocean's Thirteen" has hit theaters, I am still willing give the cast another chance (and $7) to see if they can harken back to their original efforts or regress further into their more recent self-satisfied abyss. I'm hoping it's the former because I generally like Clooney's crew of thieves, and they have good chemistry together. 
If I was betting, I'd say this new installment has about an 33% chance of being as good as "Ocean's Eleven," but a 92% chance of surpassing "Ocean's Twelve."
Regardless, I'll find out for myself sometime during the next few weeks.
-BDS
Everyone has heard the expression that a zebra can't change its stripes. Or a leopard can't change its spots. Or Paris Hilton cannot simply stop "acting dumb" as she told Barbara Walters this week. 
Maybe that last one isn't as applicable, but it doesn’t change the underlying message that has been turned on its head by the discovery of this new frog species in South America:
I generally loathe most amphibians and nearly all reptiles, but this new frog is pretty damn cool.
But it does call into question these sayings because apparently a frog can change certain things about its appearance. Despite this new evidence, however, I'll eat my own fist if Hilton joins MENSA following her release from jail.
Speaking of faulty logic, a reader wrote to the Playboy Advisor this month with the following problem:
My wife wants me to masturbate for her and eat my own come. She says if it's good for her, it should be good for me. What's the best way to deal with this?
Just say no - sometimes no line of reasoning is worth the action that ensues.
-BDS
I am generally reading at least one book at any given time, but also like to break that up by turning to magazines when my attention is divided - like during a basketball game, after drinking or any speaking portion of the Miss Universe pageant.
My magazine list is long, but distinguished and spans many spectrums of the human condition. But lately I've been feeling overwhelmed by the avalanche that keeps piling up on me, and it is starting to cause me anxiety rather than pleasure. 
This is a problem.
Currently, I have subscriptions to:
1) US Weekly
2) Newsweek
3) GQ
4) Entertainment Weekly
5) Money
6) Travel and Leisure
7) Maxim
8) Consumer Reports
9) Playboy
10) Stuff
11) FHM
12) Esquire
13) Details
14) Texas Monthly
15) The New Yorker
16) Men's Fitness
17) Blender
18) Flex
The sheer volume is starting to overwhelm me, but I imagine it's like trying to decide which of your children you would like to get rid of (obviously I don't have children nor can I really think of a reasonable scenario where you would have to make such a decision, but still . . . ).
There is no easy choice, but I'm going to have to start letting some of my subscriptions lapse, and simply ignore the plethora of renewal notices that start coming roughly 9 months before you're due.
I will not bend to the sheer volume and increasingly insidious tone of the magazine companies, and although I will miss expanding my knowledge or looking at the pictures, there's only so much free time available.
-BDS
Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Matinee - I generally argue that no comedy is worth full-price, but in this case, I would make an exception if you are taking a date to see it. If not, go with a matinee and you'll really get your money's worth.
Will I Own It On DVD: Yes.
1) "Knocked Up" is a consistently funny blend of low-brow humor with a big heart at the center of the film, and the balance that it strikes makes for a rewarding experience. 
2) Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd have the best chemistry in the movie. These guys have excellent comic timing, and play off each other so well that they own the best scenes in the movie. 
3) Katherine Heigl did a surprisingly good job keeping up with the guys as she displayed strong comic skills along with a genuine niceness about her that made it seem possible that she could hook up with Rogen.
4) I typically believe that no comedy should run for more than two hours, and although "Knocked Up" clocks in about 10 minutes more than that, it didn't feel overly indulgent. 
5) The movie has one of the funniest and most spot-on scene where characters take mushrooms that has ever been committed to film. Hilarious.
"Knocked Up" is deserving of the praise that its been getting as it is consistenly funny with a very good cast that makes you root for everything to work out in the end.
Getting to that point, however, is a funny ride that also rings very true in places and is a welcome respite from any other movie with a 3 or third in the title.
-BDS
"If you want a daddy, I'll give you a spanking," - Dan Ackroyd, "Grosse Pointe Blank"
It's getting pretty damn hot in Austin as summer is here. Maybe it was the heat that caused some lethargy with celebs this week or maybe it was due to Lindsay Lohan being in rehab, but it seemed fairly quiet.
That being said, Paris Hilton checked in early to her new accommodations Sunday as she surrendered to Los Angeles County Sheriff's deputies to begin serving a 23-day jail sentence on a probation violation. For some reason, Hilton was released 3 days into her sentence in a cloud of mystery.
The Simple Life star will be confined to her house and forced to wear an electronic monitoring device, police said at a press conference and cited "medical reasons" for her early release. 
There's no real mystery to me (forget highly questionable "medical reasons")as the rich and famous are largely above the law, but I was hoping for some kind of Hilton prison-sex video to come from the ordeal and now that dream is dead.
Jim Carrey has agreed to star in a new film based on a real-life case concerning a prison inmate who falls madly in love with his cellmate. His cellmate is eventually freed prompting Carrey's character to escape from jail four times, and the project was pitched to financiers as "Catch Me If You Can" meets "Brokeback Mountain." 
A more interesting take would have been Carrey's turn in "The Mask" meets "Gladiator" meets "Brokeback Mountain," but if you're going for a real-life story then you probably have to eliminate that plot.
Vanessa Minnillo has been identified as the other woman in a series of photos featuring herself and Lindsay Lohan playing with knives and posing provocatively, an event which garnered her the cover of this week's Us Weekly. 
If enjoying pictures of good-looking women partying and playing with sharp objects is wrong, then I don't want to be right (and I'm just glad I have a subscription to US Weekly as well).
On a similar note, Liv Tyler and Kate Bosworth met up this week after lunch, and embraced before going their separate ways. 
Nothing noteworthy happened - I just enjoyed the way they said goodbye to each other.
There are rumors that Nicole Richie might be pregnant after some photos made the rounds showing her with a distended stomach. 
I seriously doubt this is true, but let's hope not as Richie doesn't eat enough to sustain one person much less two.
In a sad turn of events, Bob Barker retired from "The Price is Right" on Thursday, a job that the silver-haired icon has held for the past 35 years.
Barker was always a daytime gentleman, and a rock in the face of prize hysteria and television is worse off for his departure. That being said, his finest moment is likely beating the hell out of Adam Sandler in "Happy Gilmore."
I hate to keep harping on R. Kelly because I honestly don't care that much about him, but I just saw some of the lyrics contained on his new album and I can't help myself as he raps:
"My rocket is full of fuel, baby . . . Girl, I promise this will be painless/We're gonna make a trip to planet Uranus."
Poetry. Pure poetry.
The Rock announced a split from his wife Dany Garcia Johnson this week in a statement released to the media.
The statement read: "While certain aspects of our relationship have changed, we are both vitally important to each other's lives. "We will continue to advance and manage our business interests, our philanthropic efforts and most importantly the raising of our child together as a loving team. We've been fortunate enough to spend the last 17 years together as a couple and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together as best friends and business partners."' 
Basically, this statement means that the Rock got famous long after they first got together and now wants to have sex with a lot of different women who are throwing themselves at him. Shocking.
And speaking of shocking images:
So watch out for scary drivers this weekend, always keep your eye on the road and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
I've been going through an interview process for the past month, and last week I received an offer which has led to a negotiation that is ongoing and unrelenting in scope.
The art of negotiation is a subtle one. It takes nerves of steel, and the soft touch of a craftsman to be successful. Basically, a cross between Genghis Khan and Ghandi is needed to ensure you get exactly what you're after, and yet leave everybody feeling good about the process. 
I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.
One problem is that I've been conducting this negotiation over the phone as the recruiter is in California (office is in Austin). It's difficult to read your opponent when you cannot look them in eye, and then exploit any perceived weakness. So far, I've upped my salary, stock options and there are only a few minor points left to cover.
One advanced tactic to employ is to start asking for outlandish things, and hope that the shock value could distract them from what you really want and terms you will accept. I didn't quite have the cojones to ask for things like:
1) A Swedish administrative assistant to handle my affairs
2) A fully stocked wet bar in my office
3) Bi-weekly lobster deliveries not to exceed 14 lbs 
4) Season tickets to UT football
5) An on-call masseuse - #1 could double in this capacity - I'm not greedy
6) A Gila Monster to keep in my office and intimidate subordinates
These are just a few requirements I have in mind, and like anything else, you only get better at negotiations with time and experience. And the next time I experience one, I will have at least half of this list - I feel I'm worth it.
-BDS
I know from having female clients for many years that trying on bathing suits can be a demanding experience. But the more I see Hollywood's choices in the swimwear, the less I would fret about the decision as there's no harm in letting it all hang out.
Sharon Stone was lounging around in Cannes recently in this little number: 
I guess when you're in Cannes it's just fine to show off your own can, and Stone had
no qualms about doing so.
Britney Spears followed suit in Puerta Vallarta as she wore a tiny two-piece that was difficult to decipher the color/pattern/etc. because her ass ate most of it (if you know the movie I stole that line from, then I'm impressed). 
These things do happen as I know I'm usually starving after swimming in the sun for hours.
But there are good choices as well, which Pamela Anderson recently displayed in her new role in some kind of Las Vegas magic show act:
If I was in the audience, Anderson would hope that part of the act was making her disappear lest I chase her off the stage in that silver suit.
I see this trend as a good sign that swimsuit choices shouldn't inspire such intense feelings because at the end of day, if you're in one it probably means you're by a pool or ocean and things could be a hell of a lot worse.
Now I'm going to go and figure out how cheaply I can get to Vegas.
-BDS
I received this Me Me last week, and it seemed like a good Monday morning for a Me Me. The fact that I'm always alert to alliteration helped as well.
If you want to take this MM, feel free and if you want me to send it along, just shoot me an email. Let's hope the day goes quickly.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:03 a.m. I go to the gym before work & have a thing for the number 3 and its derivatives.
2. Diamonds or pearls? I wear neither, give gifts of both and prefer diamonds on a woman.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End"
4. What is your favorite TV show? Tie between "Lost," "The Shield," and "The Office"
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Weekdays - Protein shake, coffee, and oatmeal pancakes. Weekend - scrambled eggs with cheese and onions, turkey bacon, flour tortillas, blue berries, pie/cake, coffee and two newspapers.
6. What is your middle name? David.
7.What food do you dislike? Tofu.
8. Favorite thing to cook? Ground turkey with taco seasoning and onions. Grill - Marinated sirloin steak
9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Steve Earle - "Transcendental Blues."
10.What kind of car do you drive? Audi TT Roadster
11. Favorite sandwich? Cuban sandwiches with turkey/pork/etc. on good bread.
12. What characteristic do you despise? Condescension.
13. Favorite item of clothing? I don't play favorites.
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Tahiti
15. What color is your bathroom? White & Slate Gray
16. Favorite brand of clothing? Hugo Boss
17. Where would you retire to? Caribbean
18. What was your most recent memorable birthday? This past one as it was a round number & I was finalizing plans for New York modeling trip.
19. Favorite sport to watch? College Football
20. Farthest place you are sending this? No idea.
21. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? No idea.
22. Person you expect to get this back from first? No clue.
24. When is your birthday? Late 70s
25. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning as I was a personal trainer for many years, and getting up early for clients was a way of life and now my body won't really re-adjust that well.
26. What is your shoe size? 11
27. Pets? No.
28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I might be starting a new job at the end of summer and I have three testicles. One of these is true, and one is a lie.
29. What did you want to be when you were little? NBA basketball player
30. How are you today? It's Monday - nothing can be that good.
31. What is your favorite candy? Twix
32. What is your favorite flower? Yellow roses - it has TX significance, looks good & is also the name of a fine strip club in Austin.
33. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? This Friday, June 8th, because it's Friday.
34. What church do you attend? None currently.
33. What is your full name? Classified.
34. What are you listening to right now? People shuffling papers around me, and the sound of Monday morning despair.
36. Do you wish on stars? Why not? It all helps.
37. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Burnt crimson.
38. How is the weather right now? Getting hotter by the day.
39. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My wife.
40. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes. Very sharp person.
41. Favorite soft drink? Diet Hansen's Root Beer.
42. Favorite restaurant? Tex Mex - Trudy's, Barbecue - Salt Lick, Upscale - Jeffrey's
43. Hair color? Brown
44. Sibling? One Brother
45. Favorite month of the year? April
46. What was your favorite toy as a child? Miniature basketball goal, G.I. Joes
47. Summer or winter? Summer
48. Hugs or kisses? Deep, wet kisses that last 3 days.
49. Chocolate or Vanilla? Swirl.
50. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes.
51. What is under your bed? Clothes, pictures and pure evil.
52. Who is the friend you have had the longest? One from Middle School.
53. What did you do last night? Watched baseball game, listened to it rain, read a book and drank a Shiner.
54. Favorite smell? Cinnamon.
55. What are you afraid of? Snakes, Sharks & Karl Rove.
56. Plain, buttered, or salted Popcorn? Salted & buttered (but real butter not that radioactive glop at the movie theater)
57. How many keys on your key ring? Six
58. How many years at your current job? 1.5
59. Favorite day of the week? Friday
60. How many towns have you lived in? 3
61. Do you make friends easily? No.
62. How many people will you be sending this to? Not sure.
-BDS
"Nice Beaver."
"Thanks. I just had it stuffed." - Leslie Nielsen and Priscilla Pressley, "The Naked Gun" 
It's been a short week which is always a welcome change at work, but it also means less time for celebrities to get into trouble. Luckily, Lindsay Lohan spread enough around starting with:
Getting charged with DUI after crashing her Mercedes into a sidewalk and then fleeing the scene. It was also reported that police allegedly found cocaine in the vehicle. 
Then, less than 48 hours later, pictures emerged of a seemingly wasted Lohan passed out in the passenger seat of a car driven by a friend. Following that combination, Lohan checked herself into Promises rehab center - the same facility that Britney Spears fled to after her meltdown. 
"She finally realizes it's the right thing to do," In Touch quoted a friend of the actress as saying. "She is going willingly."
By willingly, she meant that Lohan was told that copious amounts of booze and cocaine could be found in the trunk of her publicist's car, and then once Lohan rushed inside like a hyena, the door was slammed and she was taken off to rehab.
But the Memorial Day weekend also yielded some good Nicole Richie stories as the emaciated celeb held a barbecue and invited her friends to the event with promises to drink “massive amounts of beer . . . . take shots, pass out and wake up with our pants ripped open at the seems (sic).” She also suggested her guests turn up in “your sluttiest tops and your tightest pair of jeans,” and that people would be weighed at the door.
Ignoring what was obviously (likely/possibly) a joke, doesn't it seem ironic that Richie would host a "barbecue" party when everyone knows she doesn't eat.
But the event was well-attended, and during the festivities "The O.C." actress Mischa Barton was rushed to hospital after suffering a bad reaction to medication, according to her reps. According to others, it was a heavy intake of cocaine and mushrooms that made Barton ill and forced her trip to the ER. 
Doctors were able to diagnosis Barton's malady, sent her home with strict instructions to rest, but were unable to discover where her career went.
Kevin Costner said this week that he has forgiven Madonna for making fun of him in her 1991 documentary Truth or Dare.
In the film, Costner visits Madonna backstage after a concert and describes the performance as ''neat.'' After he leaves, Madonna pretends to stick her finger down her throat and says, 'Anybody who says my show is `neat' has to go. The singer later apologized at another concert with Costner in attendance.
I'm glad Costner got his apology because I'm still waiting for him to make amends for foisting "The Postman" on unsuspecting audiences more than a decade ago.
Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. and the Universal Orlando Resort said they will open a theme park in Florida based on the Harry Potter novels in late 2009.
Finally, a place for the whole family to visit including that 35-year-old guy who still lives in his parent's basement.
The New York Post reported this week that "handlers are working overtime" to ensure that a showdown between Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel doesn't happen at Sunday's MTV Movie Awards, where both actresses are scheduled to present.
I would love (LOVE) to see a brouhaha between the pair, but to keep such violence away from children's delicate eyes, I would gladly offer to sit between the starlets and keep them apart or at the very least be the meat in a thespian sandwich.
That's a beautiful image for me, but let's end with an even better one:
I normally advise people to sit up straight, but I might have to reconsider this stance moving forward. But regardless of your posture, stick your chest out, keep your head up high and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
