Q: "What's your major?"
A: "Poetry" - Girl in tiny bikini
"Then maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow." - Rodney Dangerfield, "Back to School"
It seems like a slow week in Hollywood as there were no major arrests, drug scandals or general perversion that came to light. All of which means the news was generally slow and boring, which worked for me because the sun was out in Austin and patios and ice cold Shiners were calling my name, but this combination didn't make me nearly as happy as . . .
Paris Hilton must be as she will only serve about half of her 45-day jail sentence and will be separated from the general inmate population, authorities said Wednesday. Her sentence was shortened after jail officials gave her credit for good behavior..jpg)
I'm not sure what constitutes "good behavior" for Hilton, but she's set the bar so low in the past (sex tapes, arrests, generally poor grasp of reality) that I guess there's nowhere to go but up.
Actor Sylvester Stallone pleaded guilty Tuesday to bringing vials of a restricted muscle-building hormone into Australia after the actor was found with 48 vials of human growth hormone during a Feb. 16.
And all this time I thought the fact that Stallone seems to be getting more muscular after turning 60 years old was an entirely natural process. You could have blown me over with a feather when that illusion was shattered.
Kenny Chesney collected his third consecutive entertainer of the year trophy Tuesday as the Academy of Country Music awards. 
During Chesney's 3-year domination, he has also managed to provide to provide zero entertainment value for $2 Dollar Productions unless you count the number of times we've laughed at a grown man who still wears a pukka-shell necklace.
Bruce Willis is furious his "yippe-ki-yay, motherf**ker" catchphrase has been cut from his upcoming film, "Live Free or Die Hard." He blamed the decision on the studio who wanted the movie to boast a PG-13 rating.
He said: "It does make it a little more difficult. They don't want to see a lot of blood squirting out of bad guys. You can still do a lot of horrific things - you just can't say the word 'f**k' more than twice."
The misplaced priorities of the ratings board is always disturbing because the rationale that decapitations and other violence is passable, but that the post-killing swearing will cause irreversible damage to today's youth is laughable and pathetic.
Speaking of the corruption of youth, R. Kelly said recently:
"My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now." 
I don't care how self-aggrandizing you are R. Kelly, you still peed on and had sex with an underage girl and videotaped it, and you will never be great.
The actor who played Bud on Married…With Children, David Faustino, was busted for possession of marijuana this week in Florida. 
Ignoring the obvious irony that Faustino (aka Bud Bundy) was arrested for carrying illegal Bud, a consider this arrest to be part of his career resurgence as getting arrested is not a bad thing in Hollywood and I've even seen him turn up in a few McDonald's ads recently - you're back Faustino.
Lindsay Lohan has beaten Eva Longoria to be named the world's hottest woman by Maxim magazine as Lohan topped the magazine's annual list of the 100 hottest women.
Personally, I think in the spirit of fair play Longoria and Lohan should oil wrestle for the crown - privately - with my input providing the entire basis for the winner. And let me just say that I'm morally flexibile in these type of scenarios.
But let's put an end to corruption, and end with a pleasing image:
Aren't we all rebels in some way, and even if you feel the need to conform and don't wear your heart on your ass . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{This is the third in an occasional series documenting some of the horrendous CD choices that I've made over the years with attempts to put into context/explain the rationale behind such purchases.}
I have nearly 500 CDs, which is by no means massive, and although I've weeded my collection down over the years by selling discs to used music shops and passed others away to friends, there still lurks many albums that have survived for various reasons - little of which involves actual musical talent.
Artist: Sophie B. Hawkins
Album: Whaler
Times Played Since 2000: 0 
This is one of those albums that I have no recollection of buying or receiving, and I know for a fact that I didn't steal it from somebody, yet it remains in my CD collection to this day.
It's a complete mystery as I have no other Sophie B. Hawkins albums nor do I recall much about the artist herself except that I think she has a decent voice and was fairly good-looking. 
{Editor's Note: My memory regarding her looks is very hazy as well and I have no idea how closely this matches up to Hawkins or if it's even her}
I do remember that one song, "As I Lay Me Down," from the album as it was fairly popular as a soft-spoken lullaby-like tune back in the 90s. But that track doesn't seem like nearly enough to justify spending money on the album, a purchase which obviously transpired at some stage during the past two decades.
Work will have to be put on hold today until I figure this out, and once I do solve the mystery, it's onto tackling the Bermuda Triangle and the force that loses my socks in the dryer.
-BDS
I visited my Doctor yesterday for my annual physical, a habit I re-started last year and yet I still question why as the experience is never fun.
My arm hurts from an unexpected Tetnus shot. My veins throb from giving blood. And my pride is in woeful shape after doing it all while wearing a paisly-patterned table-cloth that ties around the neck and leaves your entire backside exposed like yesterday's salmon. 
It's my belief that doctors and medical staff in general force this "clothing" on you to sap your will and drain your self-respect, thus giving them an even greater advantage when making judgements about your health.
I mean is there anything that you can wear that would leave a person feeling more vulnerable?
It's possible that I didn't feel as vulnerable as this poor woman, who found herself at the hands of a passion-starved Panda Bear, but I still felt vulnerable nonetheless. 
The situation only got bleaker as we reached the conclusion as I received the standard check which forced me to let the doctor grab my balls, turn my head to the side and cough.
Repeatedly.
I always want to say "Hell doc, I'll hack up a furball if you'll kindly let go of my two best friends." But I never do.
It's just the icing on the cake of an experience that with any luck at all only happens once a year. Small favors.
-BDS
I've been casually interviewing over the past month following a re-organization at my current company under the guise that's it always best to have a soft place to land if things go completely sideways.
I actually ended up with a promotion and raise following the change, however, sometimes it is a necessary evil to dust off your interviewing skills which can get rusty very quickly.
Casual interviewing is like casual sex in that both can be rewarding as a form of ego-stroking and skill sharpening, yet both can also be perilous adventures in buffoonery. Leaving aside the sexual aspect, interviewing is simply one big dog and pony show where you try to present yourself as the answer to all of a company's problems while minimizing any perceived weaknesses.
The most ridiculous part of the process is typically the initial screenings where organizations attempt to weed out the complete lunatics.
This is where you get the number of asinine questions reaches a zenith as there are too many to count, but my favorite (and by favorite I mean the one filled with the highest ratio of utter bullshit) is give me three weaknesses about yourself that could effect your job performance. Everyone knows this is a loaded question ripe for a moronic response.
The only question is how thick to lay it on with some derivation of:
A) I work too hard
B) Have a hard time finishing a project until everything is perfect
C) I care too much
And they are all bullshit. You know it. The screener knows it. Everybody knows it, yet this question nearly always arises.
I would love to find a job that I hated in an industry that I didn't care about burning bridges just so I could answer my three weaknesses with something like:
A) I like to club baby seals in my off-time, which sometimes means I bring that aggression with me into the office and attempt to flog the accountants into submission. 
B) I sniff glue in the parking lot at lunch to save money on food and make the afternoon go faster. 
C) I often troll for transsexual hookers very late at night, and consequently, any meetings that occur before 11 a.m. are often difficult for me to attend. 
That would be a very satisfying interview.
-BDS
{This is the sixth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}
"9 1/2 Weeks" is a high-water mark for Hollywood soft-core pornography with a stellar cast led by Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger, who enter into a highly sexual relationship that touches on themes of cross-dressing, masturbation, stripping and force-feeding your partner various items from the refrigerator. 
With multiple sexual encounters, it was hard to choose the best of the bunch, however, for pure sexual tension and mystery I would go with the opening one where Rourke blindfolds Basinger.
This occurs at the beginning of their relationship, which obviously involves a high degree of trust on Basinger's part because I sure as hell wouldn't give Rourke the benefit of the doubt (and he was my favorite actor for many years). But Kim rolls the dice, and Rourke rewards her by rubbing ice cubes around her nipples, across her stomach and down around her panty line. 
Basinger shivers and moans in appreciation. Rourke looks happy as a pig in shit, and this scene proves to be a wonderful launching pad for the rest of the movie as their relationship turns increasingly more depraved as the running time grows.
The film also boasts other very good scenes such as Basinger alone and watching art gallery slides as well as a rainy romp on an outdoor stairwell where Rourke tears Bassinger's shirt apart as they grind against each other following a run-in with some street toughs. 
But for my money, this opening scene with the blindfold, ice cubes and sexual tension simmering to a boil leads the pack in a movie with many pleasures of the flesh.
-BDS
Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"
A: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of the women," - Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Conan the Barbarian"
The weather continues to be gray and overcast in Austin, which could drive a man to drinking, brooding or both. Or in the case of Lindsay Lohan to excessive cocaine use . . .
As this week, a Lohan acquaintance sold pictures to a British tabloid that show the actress reportedly snorting coke inside the bathrooms of Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel. The source also said that Lohan has been partying all night since leaving rehab, and brags about all the actors she's slept with including Jared Leto, Benecio Del Toro and Jude Law. 
The Lohan train is bound to derail in a blaze of glory very soon, but I have to admit that I would love to sift through the wreckage which would include enough blow and condoms to stock 37 orgies to the gills.
Gordon Gekko is back as Michael Douglas has agreed to reprise his excellent role in "Wall Street" for a forthcoming sequel titled "Money Never Sleeps." 
The original title was "Money Never Sleeps (And neither do I because I'm 75-years-old), but was shortened for the sake of brevity.
Former carpenter Ty Pennington, the star of the ABC reality show "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunk driving.
I've always found Pennington to be vaguely annoying, and his show, while good-hearted, to be akin to emotional pornography, but I do respect the fact that after his arrest, he simply apologized and accepted blame and didn't flee to rehab like the rest of Hollywood.
Paris Hilton is backing an online campaign asking California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to issue a pardon following her 45-day prison sentence for driving on a suspended license.
Hilton has admitted that she is not "above the law," but also added that she has no problems going "under the desk" to facilitate a pardon.
David Hassehoff's visitation rights to his children were suspended this week following the release of a video showcasing "The Hoff" sprawled out drunkenly on the floor while trying in vain to maniuplate a hamburger. His daughter recorded the video. 
Ignoring the obvious concerns around parental responsibility, my main question was why can't The Hoff afford to have any furniture in his house? You're a lot less pathetic when eating a table while drunk and stupid.
A nearly $10 million eBay bid for a car made famous by "The Dukes of Hazzard" seems to have vanished after the Ebay auction, and The General Lee's owner — actor John Schneider - is upset that the $9,900,500 winning bid appears to be a hoax. 
I would have been suspicious from the start because if you show me somebody with $10 million to throw down on an bright-Orange Charger with a giant Confederate flag residing on top of the vehicle, and I'll show you a dope with too much money. And I used to love that show as a kid.
Melanie Griffith did nothing noteworthy this week except step out in public with lower legs like this:
I don't even know what to say except that Griffith needs to NEVER wear shorts again or seek medical help immediately - possibly both.
But let's end with something a little more exciting for the weekend:
So, everybody try to shower safely, and if you get yourself tied up and wet, feel free to call me and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
{This is the ninth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Harp were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}
* I hate when someone says to me "To tell you the truth _______" because I always wonder if they're lying to me the rest of the time.
* There's nothing worse than being condescended to while drinking (or stone-cold sober) as it is one of my biggest irritants, and nearly always provokes me to ignore that person and consider punching them in the kidneys.
* If you ever meet a good-looking woman skilled in the art of applying Johnson's Baby Oil - count yourself lucky & hitch your wagon to her - but realize that there are some things in her closet you probably don't want to know about. 
* I always worry when I'm at a fast-food restaurant and the food pictures on the board don't even look appetizing. If you can't make your food look good in a publicity shot then it probably tastes like shit.
* One of the worst jobs in the world must be working at Denny's/IHOP around 2:30 a.m. on weekends as you must be dealing with drunken assholes for 90% of your shift.
* The fact that strip clubs have reasonably priced buffets rarely works as justification for lunching there on a regular basis. 
* I hate pennies. 
* Every time I eat at Long John Silver's (which is roughly once a year), I swear it takes 2 weeks off my life span
* Who hasn't wondered what it would be like to go for a ride inside a Kangaroo pouch? That would be awesome. 
* When people try to comfort/cheer me up by saying something like "Things could always be worse" it doesn't help, and my standard reply is "No shit. But things could be a hell of a lot better too."
-BDS
{This is the fifth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}
"Showgirls" is a terrible movie, and it has no pretensions of being anything other than a trashy yet vaguely entertaining project. 
The story about a hard-as-nails dancer (Elizabeth Berkley) trying to make it into the glitzy Las Vegas productions and unseat the reigning queen (Gina Gershon) is not the stuff that Academy Awards are made of. But the sleazy world that has been created is made up of lots of exposed flesh and bad acting, the majority of which is supplied by Berkley who cast off her "Saved By The Bell" net in the most pivotal step away from Mr. Belding by any cast member until Dustin Diamond later performed a "Dirty Sanchez" during a homemade sex video.
Leaving aside Diamond's nasty sexual encounter, I've included "Showgirls" in my greatest onscreen encounters mostly because the scene in question is so awful that it's utterly hilarious.
I'm referring to the swimming pool seduction that Berkley used on Kyle McLaughlin, who wears his perpetual look of astonishment during the interlude. At various points, he looks less like he's experiencing pure ecstasy, but rather that's frightened that Berkley is having a seizure. 
His reaction seemed reasonable to me because Berkley mounts him, and then proceeds to flail around like a greased weasel in the mistaken assumption that she is making him hot and bothered.
This was a severe miscalculation in my mind because despite Berkley's bare breasts and a lot of water, this scene was far more amusing than sexual and despite all of that, it still earned a place on the list.
-BDS
This past week, we had several nasty storms roll through Austin, and on Wednesday night there was one that lasted most of the night with pelting rain and winds. I never lost power, but after that point, my home Internet connection would only work intermittently until Saturday morning, when it quit entirely. 
I spent the rest of the weekend in a haze, a feeling of loss that was frightening in scope as I had never realized how integral this connection had become in my life.
The Internet serves many masters, but for me it has been:
1) An entertainment source
2) Great for driving directions
3) A news source
4) Obviously making it possible to blog
5) A pornography depot
6) A restaurant menu locator
These are just a few of the things I have come to depend on the Internet for yet I took it for granted, like the availability of lean brisket or indoor plumbing. 
And I think I have been punished for my own blindness because my cable company cannot come until Tuesday to fix the problem. Let the punishment fit the crime I always say.
I can't promise that this won't happen again as it's easy to slip into old patterns, but let me just issue a public apology to the Net and say that I'm sorry and I can't wait for you to come back to me.
-BDS
{This is the second in an occasional series documenting some of the horrendous CD choices that I've made over the years with attempts to put into context/explain the rationale behind such purchases.}
I have nearly 500 CDs, which is by no means massive, and although I've weeded my collection down over the years by selling discs to used music shops and passed others away to friends, there still lurks many albums that have survived for various reasons - none of which involve any actual musical talent.
Artist: Vanilla Ice
Album: To The Extreme
Number of Times Played Since 2000: 3 
I remember buying this album very clearly around middle school as it was one of my first ever CD purchases along with MC Hammer, "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" and Paula Abdul "Forever Your Girl."
Now there's a triumpherate of musical power, eh?
But somehow Hammer and Abdul went away over the years, and Vanilla Ice has stayed for reasons I can't entirely fathom. Is it the clothes? 
The hair? 
The fact that Ice believes that "anything less than the best is a felony?"
Questions too horrible to ponder.
What it boils down to, I think, is that once in a blue moon I just want to put on "Ice, Ice Baby" at a party and give it a listen.
I'm telling you, when Vanilla Ice opens up with "Stop, collaborate and listen . . . " it gets everybody in a good mood. And maybe that's enough to justify the existence of this album in my CD collection, or maybe it's an indictment of my own character flaws.
Regardless, Ice is firmly implanted, and he's been there from the beginning.
-BDS
"What? Are you saying you want to get buck naked and wrestle," - Sean Wayans, "Scary Movie"
It's been raining like hell all week in Austin, giving me a taste of what it must be like to live in the Northwest for much of the time. I've been getting stir crazy from the moisture, but let's hope the weekend outlook stays drier and in the meantime, let's examine some hard-hitting stories like:
Alec Baldwin, who called his 11-year-old daughter a "thoughtless little pig" in a phone message, announced plans to write a book about "parental alienation" this week. 
The actor said it will be a message to all the "swine, err women out there who tell their daughters not answer the phone." At least Baldwin didn't go to rehab following the debacle like most celebrities seem to these days.
Courtney Love is set to auction her late husband, Kurt Cobain's things very soon with the exception of a few things for her daughter including "a sweater, a guitar and the lyrics to `(Smells Like) Teen Spirit.'" 
Asked why she was selling Cobain's stuff, Love replied that "cosmetic surgery and lipo doesn't come cheap." When a reporter pointed out that lipo could fall under the category of cosmetic surgery, Love called him a "know-it-all asshole" and stormed off.
Danny DeVito has launched a signature line of the citrus-flavored liqueur that reportedly fueled his seemingly drunken appearance on The View back in November.
The new drink will taste like lemonade mixed with DeVito's after-shave, but it will help you make it through an episode of "The View."
It's over for Gisele Bundchen and Victoria's Secret as the lingerie brand's CEO, Edward Razek, said Tuesday that "We wish her all the best and thank her for her extraordinary work. She will continue to be a very visible part of the world's sexiest brand through the remainder of the year."
Bundchen will also continue to hold a place in my fantasy file for much longer than a year. Much, much longer.
Mel B is taking ex-lover Eddie Murphy to court to make him take a paternity test to prove that Murphy is the father of her one-month-old daughter Angel Iris.
I bet Murphy is wishing that he would have taken up with a Spice Girl who wasn't known as "Scary."
But let's leave scary stuff behind, and end with a nice image like:
Let's hope everybody's cars are running well, and if you're in need & have special issues like this woman, please call me and . . . Happy Friday!
-BDS
1. non sequitur - a reply that has no relevance to what preceded it
I am a big fan of non sequiturs as I find them hilarious when they are done unintentionally, but then I also enjoy peppering them into my own conversations to shake things up or irritate somebody that is pissing me off.
Few things bring a discussion to a grinding halt than a well-placed one and here are a few of my favorites to be inserted into conversations as needed:
1) How much do you think I can bench press? 
2) Do you think it's hard to shear a sheep? 
3) There are gold ships and silver ships, but neither are as valuable as friendships. Think about it.
There are so many others out there, and half the fun is trying them out on a spur-of-the-moment inspiration. So, the next time some inane dialogue has got you down, throw something random into the mix and try not laugh - that ruins part of the fun.
-BDS
I saw this picture of Luke Wilson recently where he was surrounded by a bevy of blondes, and it reminded me of my thought that Wilson has the perfect level of fame and I would love to step into his shoes. 
Wilson has been in the acting game for more than a decade, and during that time he has been able to work on smaller films (Rushmore, Royal Tennebaums) while also playing the boyfriend role in big Hollywood projects (My Super-Ex Girlfriend, The Family Stone).
He has the exact amount of fame that gets him into the Playboy mansion, nets him millions of dollars every year, and yet he still doesn't get mobbed by photographers or stalked by weirdos. 
{Editor's Note: This is Jack Black pictured, not Luke Wilson}
It's the best of both worlds.
He's dated Drew Barrymore and Gwyneth Paltrow (we all make mistakes), and then he obviously enjoys the company of lesser-known females as evidenced by the above picture.
Wilson has life on a platter in my mind, and whether it's by his own design or just cosmically good luck, I envy those circumstances as my workload mounts inside my office and the Playboy mansion seems far, far away.
-BDS
{This is the first in an occasional series documenting some of the horrendous CD choices that I've made over the years with attempts to put into context/explain the rationale behind such purchases.}
I have nearly 500 CDs, which is by no means massive, and although I've weeded my collection down over the years by selling discs to used music shops and passed others away to friends, there still lurks many albums that have survived for various reasons - none of which involve any actual musical talent.
Artist: Nelson
Album: After The Rain
Times Played Since 2000: 0
Track Listing:
(Can't Live Without Your) Love & Affection
I Can Hardly Wait
After The Rain
Tracy's Song
Only Time Will Tell
More Than Ever
(It's Just) Desire
Fill You Up
Interlude
Everywhere I Go
Bits & Pieces
Will You Love Me?
Too Many Dreams (Import Bonus Track)
Keep One Heart (Import Bonus Track)
Matthew and Gunnar Nelson, the Barbie Twins of rock had a minor hit with "Love and Affection" many years ago, and I believe that I bought this album somewhere around middle school, which should allow for mitigating circumstances as this was a bad time period for clothes, hair and especially music. 
If two guys looked less like rockers than Nelson, I can't think of them. These guys were sporting some of the longest, most bleached hair around when this album was recorded, and just seemed like the kind of sensitive Southern California boys that your Mom would like for her daughter to bring home (the fact that they could all share hair tips was probably just an added bonus).
The only rationale I have for this album choice was that I must have been trying to seduce some girl through the romantic, heartfelt stylings of "Love and Affection." It seemed like a sincere choice at the time, and the title track wasn't half-bad either if I remember correctly.
But that doesn't explain why it's still around my collection, an outcome I refuse to ponder too closely lest I be tempted to throw it in the player and really feel bad about my decision.
-BDS
