"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon," - Ronald Reagan
I hate to forecast doom, but lately a string of events has precipitated what could be the end of the world we know it.
Maybe Reagan was right after all.
Hell is freezing over. The train has left the station. The Four Horseman could be riding at this very instant to usher in the apocalypse, which will bring hellfire and brimstone upon us all.
It seems serious this time, and I have the fear in a big way.
Up will soon be down.
Black will turn white.
Those with no discernible talents will soon be overflowing with it.
The truly scary thing is that this process of reversal has already begun with Kevin Federline's well-received performance at the Teen Choice Awards over the weekend. 
A few reviews:
"It wasn't genius, but it wasn't half bad either."
"I was expecting more dancing from the dude, you know. But he's OK. He's doing his thing."
In a loose white shirt and white hat, Federline prowled and jumped around the stage like a caged hyena, surrounded by young dancers.
"I ain't here to brag," he rapped in a tough-guy style.
No shit.
What exactly would you be bragging about as fathering children out of wedlock and taking hand-outs from your famous wife don't rhyme very well.
But the main thing that I took from these reviews was that there wasn't universal ridicule. There was some, but the positive reactions shook me to my very core and started this apocalyptic pendulum in motion.
And then Paris Hilton's debut album, "Paris" (probably titled as such so she wouldn't forget it during the press junket), was released today. 
I've already read several good reviews of this project as it is supposedly very danceable, slick and enjoyable.
What is the world coming to if K-Fed and Paris are suddenly hot and popular musical entertainers?
Can the world stand this without imploding?
Questions. Questions.
There are simply too many to answer early on a Tuesday morning, however, I'm watching the sky very carefully today because it might start falling at any given moment.
Beware.
-BDS
Ostensibly, this blog was created to discuss the fledgling attempts of my brother and I to write a sellable screenplay with no formal training, industry contacts or sense of where to begin.
Things change, however, and it would have quickly become repetitive to chronicle our time driving in a car or sitting in a bar and kicking around ideas before I would retire to the computer room with my Ipod to write.
Rinse and repeat over and over again.
But progress has been made as we recently came within one lousy point of the semi-finals of the International Screenwriting Awards.
We decribed our first script, "Last Train To Amsterdam," to the contest with the following logline:
Boy bands, pop culture and polar bears collide during a wild train ride through Europe which explores a seedy universe populated with has-been actors, German barons, heated housewives, and a degenerate train conductor who knows everyone's secrets.
Just thinking about that one point makes me want to cry or punch the judge in the kidneys or both.
More than 6,000 entries were received and our score put us in the top 27% of applicants, which is not bad all things considered.
Here's a sampling of the comments from the judge:
- "The script is quirky and strange and recalls such fimmakers as David Lynch, Terry Gilliam and Tim Burton."
- " This is a huge ensemble cast, and most writers would have buckled under the weight of having to write so many different characters; this scribe isn't one of them. Each character is unique and distinct, a fact which carries even into their dialogue (meaning, they all talk differently, which I consider the true mark of a good dialogue writer."
- "It is an offbeat movie relecting a unique sensability."
- "The story is a bit too weird for mainstream Hollywood."
In the end, we didn't make the semi-finals because our script wasn't commercial enough to warrant admittance to the next round.
I suppose that's fair enough, although if a movie which features a character being sexually mauled by a polar bear isn't mainstream than I don't know what normal is anymore.
We're not giving up hope for "Last Train To Amsterdam" and part of 2007 will be spent marketing it to indie studios and other smaller players. 
The last suggestion he made was for us to apply our unique sensibilities and dialogue onto something with a "big concept" or more "commercial" idea.
We have a good one in mind that should meet the criteria he laid down as well as give us a chance to write what still interests us.
But until we have a copyright on the next script I am reticent to acknowledge it, however, work has already begun because it's a moral imperative to have a second script completed by the end of 2006.
I think I'll leave the polar bears out this next time.
-BDS
{Editor's Note: My review might be tarnished by the fact that my car got rear-ended on the way to see this movie. If you want to shift your day 180 degrees I recommend driving to a silly comedy and then getting rear-ended by a bottled blonde with no insurance card which causes you to call the cops. Selah.}
Will Ferrell is a funny guy who has been on a losing streak lately.
It started somewhere around "Kicking and Screaming" and then got upgraded with that shitbomb "Bewitched" and concluded with a disappointing cameo in "The Wedding Crashers."
Now, he's back with "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."
1) This movie has its comedic moments - unfortunately many of those have been well-documented in the previews and I really hate when a movie has very little to offer outside of what you've already seen on TV or during theatrical trailers.
2) You could argue that there is more plot in this movie than in "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy," but for my money Anchorman was a better-sustaining comedy.
3) As my brother said to me, you have to be a bit mistrusting about a movie that made as much money as "Talladega Nights" did on its opening weekend because anything playing to such a mass audience is often watered-down. This wasn't entirely true, but I enjoyed the tack-on one-liners that Ferrel spouts better than any of the visual gags.
4) John C. Reilly plays Will Ferrell's best friend in the movie, and is one of the most versatile and interesting actors today. He was phenomenal in "Boogie Nights" and has been good in nearly every role since then, and now he shows that he can play it loose and funny as well. 
5) Any movie that name-checks Rue McClanhan (sp?) from "Golden Girls" fame as one of history's great champions is still funnier than a lot of other comedies out there this summer.
All in all, "Talladega Nights" has some highlights, but ultimately there were too many dead-spots for me to recommend paying full price to see it.
It's not a bad option, however, to get a little silly and catch a matinee to escape the heat - just make sure to watch for horrible drivers who don't obey the rules of the road or of common decency and you might enjoy it a little bit more than I did.
-BDS
It's Friday again, and here's a few thoughts on a day that's supposed to be 104 degrees in Austin.
Damn the heat, but I guess you could escape it for a few hours and go see "Snakes On A Plane."
Phenomenal title. Great marketing campaign. Bound to be a disappointing movie, but it does pose the question of just what would it take for Samuel L. Jackson to say "no" to a film offer?
In a bit of romance news, it seems that Kate Hudson is ending her marriage, and Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson is to blame. 
I always thought the dark, yetti-like appearance of Chris Robinson was an interesting mix for Hudson, but now those days appear to be over.
Wilson and Hudson look good together - too good - as they also look like they could be brother and sister which is just nasty.
Speaking of nastiness, Nicole Richie appeared this week to flaunt her skeletal curves while running on the beach. 
I just lost my erection for at least a week.
And in other emasculating news, I recently saw this picture of Hugh Jackman dancing around. 
I like Jackman as an actor, and he was especially cool with mutton-chops and claws as Wolvervine, however, no man can look cool while shaking maracas (sp?) back and forth.
Nobody.
Let's end with an image that helps counterbalance Nicole Richie as I don't know who this women is, but the combination of a black thong, a nice back and electronics provides a enough tonic for Richie that I might just gain back what once was lost. 
Happy Friday.
-BDS
"Midway through the journey of our life, I found myself within a dark wood, for the right way had been lost." - Dante, "The Divine Comedy"
There's nothing comedic about the new diet I was sent this past weekend by my nutritionist.
Of course there wasn't a whole lot of hilarious happenings in Dante's work either, so maybe it is applicable and not just something that's on my mind because I'm currently reading "The Dante Club."
Regardless, my journey towards a shot at NYC modeling/commercials, easy money, orgies, and most importantly potential contacts for our movie scripts has started for the last time.
This past June I met with the agent for the third time, and the verdict was close but not quite as this look didn't cut the mustard:
Since then, however, the agent has spoken with my nutritionist and instead of the 5 week program that I undertook this past time, I now am staring at an 8 - 10 week program full of blood, sweat and brown rice.
My new marching orders look like this:
Meal 1 - 2 Scoops Whey
Cardio - 30 minutes eliptical or step-mill
Supplement 1- 1 serving Cellmass
Meal 2 - 6 egg whites (1 yolk), 1/2 cup oatmeal in water
Meal 3 - 6oz. turkey or chicken, 50 grams of carbs from brown rice or sweet potato, veggies optional
Meal 4 - 6oz. chicken, turkey, or white fish, 50 grams of carbs from brown rice or sweet potato, veggies optional
Meal 5 - 2 scoops of whey, 1 handful of unsalted almonds if still hungry
Meal 6 - 8oz. steak or salmon, 40 grams of carbs from brown rice or sweet potato, veggies optional
Meal 7 - 8 egg whites
Take multi-vitamin, Axis-HT, NOxplode before training, your second serving of Cellmass after training (if you are training in the morning then you take your first serving after training and then your last serving before bed at night), take 5g of glutamine with every meal and 10g before training.
Drink at least one gallon of water per day.
I want you doing cardio six days per week.
No cheat days or cheat meals. I will increase and decrease your calorie intake when I deem it appropriate.
I need pictures once per week.
Maybe somebody should just shoot me now because life isn't as much fun without alcohol, sugar, spices and most carbs.
But in the immortal words of the poets in Whitesnake, "here I go again on my own."
{Editor's note: I may have taken liberty with the lyrics for that song, but you get the point.}
-BDS
Nearly 2,500 astronomers from 75 countries gathered in Prague yesterday to come up with a universal definition of what qualifies as a planet and possibly decide whether Pluto should keep its planet status.
I am in favor of keeping Pluto around because millions of schoolchildren were taught that there were 9 planets, and this new de-classification would throw those beliefs into anarchy.
Also, I made an amazing and according to one young teacher "bad-ass" diorama of the solar system sometime in my elementary school days, and I would hate to realize that it was wrong 20 years after the fact. 
But the decision won't be an easy one. Scientists attending the conference are split over whether Pluto should be excluded from the list of planets, Pavel Suchan of the meeting's local organization committee said.
"So far it looks like a stalemate," Suchan said. "One half wants Pluto to remain a planet, the other half says Pluto is not worth being called a planet."
I come down on the side of Pluto because it's a slippery slope once you start throwing planets out of the solar system.
First comes Pluto and then it's Uranus and that thought pains me too much to consider.
{Editor's Note: I still think that virtually all jokes involving Uranus are hilarious - a trait which also harkens back to my elementary days.}
-BDS
I wasn't planning on watching Season 2 of VH1's "Flavor Of Love," but sometimes the best-laid plans of mice and men go horribly awry. 
And so it went this weekend as I couldn't stop watching this train wreck of a show.
I don't know where they cast this thing, however, I would bet hard cash that they didn't round this group of women up at church or the library. 
In the debut, there was a lot of talk about licking women as well as men, a nasty brawl between two women and then the show ended with one contestant shitting on the floor of the mansion.
Let me repeat that: A women got dressed up, was picked to advance by Flavor Flav and then during the champagne toast she shit on the floor before fleeing upstairs to the bathroom.
When the incident was discovered, she responded by saying "it could have happened to anyone."
This is a lie.
Shitting on the marble floor of a mansion on national television couldn't just happen to anyone.
And if I were Flavor Flav I would have taken back her clock and punched her ticket right out of the house.
Speaking of all things relating to shit, Kevin Federline's publicity machine sent out a press release this week in antipication of his upcoming album. 
Some of the highlights read:
Performer and rapper Kevin Federline is gearing up for the release of his debut album Playing with Fire . . .
Federline recently completed the high energy music video for "Lose Control" at Pure night club in Las Vegas. The video is set for release during the first week of September 2006. Federline who was recently featured on the covers of Item and Steppin' Out has a feature coming out in the September issue of GQ set to hit stands on August 19, 2006.
A style icon in the making, Federline is also the new face of Five Star Vintage clothing company.
Federline has recently been featured in Newsweek, Spin, King, XXL, Blender and Giant magazine. Federline began his career as a backup dancer, performing with Michael Jackson, NSYNC, Destiny's Child, and Pink.
This is PR at its finest, and his team certainly earned their money on this one because anyone who would knowingly release something that had Kevin Federline and icon in the same report is a person without any remorse in their body.
And they have no problem dumping a load of verbal diarrehea on the general public.
-BDS
Moving sucks.
There is no upside to the experience until you have finally emptied the last box in your new place and poured yourself a strong drink.
But until that point, it's all about dealing with expensive movers who don't care that they spill a box of your books onto the street or trying to convince the electric company that you shouldn't have to pay a ridculous $200 deposit for no good reason at all or maybe it's just trying to find a particular item that is hidden among a sea of boxes.
Luckily, that experience is now largely gone, and here's some pics of the new loft near downtown Austin: 
{Rooftop deck where there will be patio furniture, plants, a grill, a mini-fridge, and possibly a hot tub or pool in the next few months}
It's still far from finished, but the worst is over - until the bills for everything start rolling in.
-BDS
I really liked the original "Clerks."
It was my senior year in high school when it came out, and I can still remember turning my friends onto it because I thought it was fresh and funny as hell.
This is no small thing in high school because if the movie sucked then I would have been quickly ranked out unmercifully by my friends.
But it didn't and the movie proved to be both quotable and also possessed the ability to be seen multiple times (another essential in high school).
So, it was with great trepidation that I saw "Clerks 2," but it passed the sniff test - barely. 
1) The movie succeeds by wearing its heart on its sleeve to use a good cliche as this time it's about best friends as much as it is about relationships between guys and girls.
2) Rosario Dawson was a really enjoyable presence in the film. I have always liked her, but often actresses are absolutely horrible when they find themselves in these kind of roles. Dawson, however, pulls it off extremely well.
3) Jay & Silent Bob are used just enough as it's always a slippery slope with this duo. If they are in a Kevin Smith movie too much ("Dogma") or not enough ("Jersy Girl" - although one might argue that they were smart to stay away from this dog) things can get out of hand.
4) The donkey show scene was filthy and wrong and funny and caused at least one critic to walk out in horror. I find that pretty pathetic, but I have always had a thing for donkey shows ever since "Bachelor Party" with Tom Hanks (this is also noted in "Clerks 2."
5) Ben Affleck shows up for roughly one minute of screen time sporting a handlebar mustache, and it's the best film work he's done in years.
All in all, this sequel wasn't a horrible idea, but it in no way compared to the first one.
It's obvious that Smith is at a different place in his life, and although you can't fault him for trying to express those feelings, they just aren't as funny as the riffs you've got going in your early 20s when you've got the world by the balls and endless supply of good friends, laughs and potential to pull you through.
-BDS
Val Kilmer has been in some pretty good movies.
"Real Genius," "Tombstone," "Top Gun," and "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" spring immediately to mind.
He's also had some killer lines in those films like "I'm your huckleberry" or "What about that time I found you naked with a bowl full of jello."
And one could argue that his greasy, homo-erotic volleyball game with Tom Cruise, Anthony Edwards and some other guy in "Top Gun" made him a sex symbol.
Those days, however, appear to be over: 
This picture is wrong in so many ways as the combination of the pale skin, protruding belly, scraggly chest hair and general sloppiness is a tough one to swallow.
And that hat provides no kind of redemption.
Moving from Val to Nicole Richie is a major reversal, but Richie stepped out again recently to disgust me with her sickly appearance. 
I don't know how those legs support her because they look revolting and like they could crumble into a million tiny pieces at any given moment.
A stiff wind would knock Richie flat on her bony ass, which would provide no cushion and probably shatter her tailbone.
On second thought, she probably shouldn't be walking around at all - she's simply an accident waiting to happen.
-BDS
I hate Dave Navarro.
Actually loathe might be a better word as it seems pretty damn unfair that he gets to marry and now divorce Carmen Electra:
And then he rebounds with Jenna Jameson. 
Who recently became immortalized at Madam Toussad's empire of wax:
I guess it really does pay to be a rock star or a porn star (not that there was ever much doubt in my mind).
-BDS
Although I'm not sure exactly what this blog tagging entails, I have been drafted to answer some questions and that's something I can do.
And without further ado, here's my list the begins and ends with 5 things:
5 Things always in my wallet:
1. Driver's license
2. Credit Cards
3. Cash - Always remember that cash is King and trumps credit cards because it is taken everywhere.
4. Press card from when I was a journalist, which was nearly 5 years ago.
5. Starbucks gift card as I always tend to get these for various occassions and like the coffee even if I hate to pay for it - hence the cards.
5 Things always in my refrigerator:
1. Lots of water
2. Eggs (roughly 36 or so a week).
3. Salsa - good on almost everything.
4. Coffee
5. Beer - If I'm not dieting it's usually Heineken, Negro Modelo, Dos Equis, or Guinness. 
5 Things always in my closet:
1. Square-toed shoes black/brown
2. Shoe polish
3. Fire-proof mini-safe for important stuff and also miscellaneous crap.
4. T-shirts & Button-downs - A good mix of dress/casual is important.
5. Ties - although I haven't worn one in years when I wasn't at a funeral or a wedding. 
5 Things always in my car:
1) Garage door opener
2) Insurance card
3) Change - for making complete dollars at fast-food establishments
4) Microfiber cloth - To clean sunglasses
5) A towel - In the trunk because you just never know when you might need a towel and it has come in handy more than once.
5 Most Recent DVD Purchases:
1) Dazed and Confused: Criterion Collection
2) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
3) Gina Lynn's Dark Side
4) Tombstone - Collector's Edition
5) The Karate Kid - Special Edition
5 Books That Always Make Every Move:
1) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - Hunter S. Thompson
2) The Curse of Lono - Special Edition - Hunter S. Thompson
3) The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway
4) All My Friends Are Going To Be Strangers - Larry McMurtry
5) One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest - Ken Kesey
5 things always on my desk:
1. A flat-screen monitor
2. Phone
3. Printer
4. Ipod - I like to listen to music while I write.
5. Assorted pens/pencils/highlighters and glue - I sometimes like to sniff glue while I write, but the results are less than stellar.
-BDS
Sex is on my brain today, which seems a bit sacreligious considering it's Sunday.
But it's not my fault as I will throw Hollywood under the bus, and more specifically Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen are to blame.
It started with Paris as I was reading my Sunday newspaper when I came across a few ludicrous quotes from the heiress as she discussed her prediliction for humping nearly anyone in her path.
She told British GQ that "People think I sleep with everyone, but I'm not like that. Kissing is all I do."
She neglected to mention that after she kisses her stable of men that they proceed to screw the hell out of her.
Details.
Hilton went onto say that she wouldn't have sex for a year, and would get by on kissing alone.
If she intends to be successful with this new mission (and I would bet my car/life savings/big toe that she isn't) then she better stay away from Charlie Sheen. 
30 - That's the number of women who Denise Richard's alleges that Sheen sent pictures of his erect penis to either via email or phone.
That's a lot of penis pictures floating around cyberspace, and quite impressive when you consider that the duo weren't married for too long.
It's also another reason for me to think this about Sheen - I might not like the man, but dammit I respect him.
You have to hand it to someone who is willing to just be totally sleazy and have no remorse about it.
And he will never change.
-BDS
It's Friday, and good things tend to happen on this day except for items like this:
This is Melanie Griffith lighting up a cigarrette (sp?) for her 17-year-old daughter in an image of model parenting.
If she didn't appear to be so vacant, I would say that Griffith should know better, but then again, her daughter should also realize that too much smoking and too much bad plastic surgery will cause you to look like this when she's older:
Scary.
I like Vince Vaughn. I think he's a funny guy, and would be a good person to have a beer with, however, this new look for some movie that he's filming is disturbing to me. 
Vaughn looks like a filthy bastard with the suit and goatee.
I hope the role is a good one because this look says to me: There's no low and nothing that I wouldn't do in the right circumstances. This is the kind of person who would clog up your toilet and then wipe their ass on your curtains before quietely leaving your place and never mentioning it again.
But maybe that's the kind of role he playing, and in that case, more power to him.
I hate to end negatively, so let's include one more picture of Pam Anderson frolicking in a bikini in St. Tropez. 
Surgery and gravity and decency be damned - in the words of that poet Ricky Martin "she bangs."
But I'm sure Kid Rock already knew that before he married her.
-BDS
{Editor's Note: 2 Dollar Productions does not make it a habit to disparage calorie-enhanced individuals unless that individual is a bloated Brandon Davis or Rosie O'Donnell - in which case all bets are off.}
It's been too long without a little evil, and consequently it's time for another battle and this time it is all about flesh.
A lot of flesh. 
{This is a man as I was confused upon my first look and thought him to be female}
I think the clear winner in this brouhaha of excess epidermis is the grotesquely overweight 10 year-old.
The first picture showcases a grown man who has made his bed (figuratively not literally as it appears to be quite messy in the image) and now he must lie in it while eating an entire cake by himself.
But he's obviously a full-grown adult. An adult who has been able to make his own choices about food, exercise, cake, seeing his toes and other such things for many years.
I might feel bad for him, however, there are likely many elements that he could have controlled which would have altered his fate and not left him all alone and eating a gigantic cake while sitting buck naked on an unmade bed.
It's about choices people.
The kid is a different story, and his parents should be locked up.
There's no way he should be 10-years-old and this large. It's possible he has some sort of crazy medical disease, but it's more likely a set of over-indulgent parents who give into his whims of playing video games, looking at the Internet and shoveling mass quantities of food into his mouth.
They should have made him do something outside that involved running and playing and limiting his calorie intake wouldn't hurt either.
Therefore, another round is over, and I have to declare the second picture as the worst one in this battle for supremacy.
The only question that remains regards our old friend the cake lady:
As I stared at the first picture, I had to wonder if her shirt was just a playful boast or if she would be driven mad with lust to see a naked man and a cake in the same room.
I guess we'll never know.
-BDS
It's been a classy week around the world and here's the pics to prove it:
This was Mad Mel just a few hours before his DWI arrest as he was drinking and carousing and hugging every woman on the patio of some Malibu restauraunt.
He looks like he's having a good time here, and it's hard to believe how bad things would get in such a quick time span.
And look at those forearms.
Who knew that he was such a hairy bastard as those things look like they belong attached to a caveman, which might explain some of Gibson's drunken ramblings later in the night.
Across the pond, the shores of St. Tropez were ringing with the first of 4 planned weddings between Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. 
I applaud the duo for throwing class and tradition to the wind and just partying like a couple of sailors on shore leave and then deciding to get married too.
And while Pam's face is looking a wee rough these days, her body is still working for me.
Saline be damned.
Who am I kidding? I could never stay mad at you.
-BDS
