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Theory vs. Reality . . .

Posted by 2 Dollar Productions Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I took a long lunch yesterday to visit a particularly merciless Russian woman for a deep-tissue massage.

It was a long overdue experience. Lifting weights five days a week and then sitting in an office chair all day long will put your body in knots and bunch your muscles tighter than Lindsay Lohan’s hands if you attempted to pry a coke straw from them.

This woman is brutal. She is not without humor, but the entire session consists of her digging her massive elbows and rough, powerful hands into me while I curse and sweat on soft cotton sheets – a combination I usually enjoy when engaging in other activities. But not when this powerful woman is working me over.

There is no relaxation, and the sessions are utterly devoid of any sexual connotations. I was thinking yesterday that this is actually a great thing as far as the looks of the masseuse is concerned. Many male friends of mine always claim they want a really good-looking woman to massage them, but I think that is far better in theory than in reality.

When put to a real world test, I believe an attractive masseuse can only lead to dissatisfaction, lack of relaxation and potential embarrassment.


1) Dissatisfaction – This could likely occur because you try to dazzle this attractive masseuse with your keen intellect and wit while she rubs you down. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, however, the dissatisfaction rears its ugly head when it never leads to anything more because it’s not one of those kinds of massage parlors and this isn’t a porno movie.

2) Lack of Relaxation – You can’t relax because her attractiveness causes your male instincts to be alert, tense and ready for action (which is as we walked through above will NOT happen). Even if you were only getting a light, Swedish massage, it’s difficult if not impossible to drift away to a fully relaxed plane when you are acutely aware that a hot woman is rubbing you down with oil.

3) Embarrassment – Due to the combination of attractiveness, rubbing and oil mentioned above, the potential for erections is high (pun intended). This only makes everyone uncomfortable. Trust me.

So, in the end, I think this fantasy of the hot masseuse should stay firmly locked away inside fantasy land where it can reside next to the hot nurse taking your blood pressure and right behind you delivering a pizza to a lingerie-clad slumber party.



  1. Heff Says:
  2. I think you need the hands of a gentle man. "WooooGah" !!!

  3. I think there are a lot of fantasies that are best left as fantasies b/c there's no way those experiences can live up to expectations.

  4. JLee Says:
  5. hahaha...I always wondered why guys would say that about wanting a hot massage therapist. But at the same time, they seem very uncomfortable with another man giving them a massage?

  6. Heff - You volunteering? Ha. I'll take it under advisement, but no, I don't want a guy massaging me at all.

    Native minnow - You better believe it. But I'm sure there are some that should be experienced in real life too. Ha.

    Jlee - Thought you might take some offense here. Ha. As for a guy, I don't want that at all for reasons that I know are ridiculous, but still there anyway. :)

  7. kmwthay Says:
  8. This is hysterical. My husband's job requires him to do a lot of driving - mostly to and from the TX panhandle everyday. It does a number on his back - and last week he went to get a massage and fell for the old bait and switch routien. It started with a woman and then he said about half way through, it was becoming more of a deep tissue massage. He glanced up and there was a dude rubbing him down. My husband got up and walked out. I had tears of laughter when he was telling me this story. He said he wanted to punch him in the face. What IS it with men not wanting to get a massage from another man? So damn funny.

  9. TROLL Y2K Says:
  10. Mine enters "Body Sculpting" competitions. Apparently, baked-flesh is a plus in "Body Sculpting" because her skin resembles a manatee in color and texture up close and unoiled.

    I'd prolly still do her but she hasn't asked and I try not to think about it.

  11. wigsf Says:
  12. Okay, the word verification is "racks"

    I was going to say something about happy endings but the racks has completely killed my train of thought. So...

    How was her rack?

  13. Kmwthay - That is a funny story. I don't think I would have walked out (simply because I had probably already paid for the service & I'm cheap - ha), but I can totally relate not wanting to have another guy rub you down. It may not be right, but in this case, it's one of those rules I'll just have to live with.

    Troll Y2K - Interesting. It takes some serious dedication to do one of those things, and you're right (and hilariously so) about the color consistency as I guess bringing out every striation is more important than having a normal color onstage. It's big of you to overlook that too. Ha.

    WIGSF - Appropriate. Sometimes word verification is sneaky good (not often). And I didn't even care to look at hers, which should give you an idea of how far from attractive I find her. Ha.

  14. Slyde Says:
  15. i have yet to actually try a massuese, but its something i have always wanted to do.. maybe one day i'll give it a shot.

  16. nobich Says:
  17. these comments remind me of the episode on Seinfeld with George saying "it moved" when the man was giving him a massage. Ha

  18. Slyde - I recommend it. I'm no veteran, and I only go for deep tissue or something fairly brutal, however, it helps out a lot as you don't realize just how screwed up your body is until you get the knots worked out.

    Nobich - Great episode and I had forgotten about it. But that's not why I don't want a guy to massage me. Ha.

  19. Miss Ash Says:
  20. I had a hot guy massage me once at a spa, he wouldn't shut up about his wife and 4 kids....and he sucked at it though I did ask for the relaxing massage rather than the deep tissue so fair enough.

    I couldn't relax and I wanted him to stop yammering so I could at least try to. Needless to say I'll still with my regular masseuse.

  21. Miss Ash - I don't like masseuse's who talk to much either - regardless of gender. I don't blame you at all for going back to your regular one even if you liked his looks. Ha.

  22. Boxer Says:
  23. jeez, how did I miss THIS post?

    At the Spa, I requested women masseuses (sp??) because I agree there is potential for some form element of sexual energy and I wanted to relax. That said, I had to use my "safe word" (OUCHHHHHHH) at least twice.


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