The Greatest Sex Around Part 12 . . .

{This is the Twelfth in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}

I enjoyed the "American Pie" movies more than I anticipated. There was always a layer of decency embedded with the cast of friends which was kept intact no matter how outrageous the situation.



The scene that earned the first film - "American Pie" - a place in the all-time sex Hall of Fame featured those elements with the added bonus of Shannon Elizabeth standing around topless for a large portion of it. It begins roughly half-way through the running time after Elizabeth comes to Jason Bigg's house for tutoring.

He then leaves her alone in his bedroom to compose himself.

While he's away, Elizabeth finds Bigg's porn stash, and like most normal people, she begins pleasuring herself. To add to the scene, the whole thing is being recorded via webcam, and viewed by Bigg's friends.


Upon re-entering the room, Biggs finds himself standing next to the ultimate object of his lust, sitting on the bed, semi-nude and leafing through pornography (Again, this happened all the time in high school for me). In case you haven't seen this film, I won't ruin the rest of the scene, however, it is pretty damn funny and also sad due to painful male dancing (Biggs), webcam issues and premature ejaculation.

This was not a scene that would get you hot and bothered, however, the humor/nudity combination still pushed it over the top and into a romantic exchange worthy of recognition.

-BDS

Boring Drunken Holiday Parties . . .

Now that Thanksgiving is finished, it's time for the dreaded Christmas season to descend.

I don't mean Christmas itself (I happen to love the holiday as it's Thanksgiving + Gifts), but rather the holiday party season which means every weekend until 2008 will now be filled with good cheer, mistletoe and so many boring drunks that it's disastrous to even ponder this dire situation.


At any given party, the number of boring drunks will fluctuate, however, they will always be large enough in scope to require others to drink more in order to stand near them. This toxic environment leads to ruined parties and scorn. Brute violence and tears. And possibly impotence.


The definition of a boring drunk is elusive, but common traits include:

* Long-winded diatribes on esoteric subjects that nobody cares about like your stock portfolio or model train building
* Inappropriate hugs
* Pissing down the side of your pants


* Talking badly about your ex-wife, "the bitch"
* Threatening to harm yourself
* Dipping your fingers in the queso dip


* Wearing a mistletoe belt (like you're the first one to think of it)


* Going to sleep in the master bedroom
* Refilling your glass with what they're drinking, not what you're drinking
* Arguing about religion
* Re-enacting your high school football games
* Consistently asking the hosts "how much did this cost?"

There are many more characteristics, but the only certainty is that there will be at least 3 of these people at every party. The actual number is likely to be higher. It also seems to exponentially increase as the parties get closer to Christmas as people are on edge, and feeling the holiday pressure.

The only pressure I feel revolves around going to these things because for every 4 parties I attend, I will only enjoy myself at one of them. This is not a good ratio.

It is, however, a necessary evil (I suppose), and the best way to cope is to try to laugh because everyone is semi-funny in their own way - even if they don't realize it and are stone drunk wearing a Christmas tie and blathering on about global warming being a hoax.

-BDS

Thoughts on "No Country For Old Men" . . .

Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Full price. This film is good enough for a nighttime rate, however, a fine limtus test for deciding would be if you like Coen Brothers movie, "Blood Simple" in particular, and have some knowledge of Cormac McCarthy (the book's author).

{Editor's Note: I saw a matinee showing.}

Will I Own It On DVD: Yes.


1) This feels like a Oscar-nominated movie to me. I'm not sure about best picture, but I think cinematography, director and a supporting actor seem likely.

2) The previews for this film make it seem like more of an action-packed, shoot 'em up than the movie really is as "No Country For Old Men" is actually a very quiet picture (almost no music at all) punctuated with bursts of harsh violence.

3) The acting is universally excellent as Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem and Tommy Lee Jones anchor the film with spot-on performances. The trio excel in virtually every scene, but it's the smaller roles and extras who also enrich the film due to their extremely authentic looks and dialect they possess.




4) The finale of "No Country For Old Men" is somewhat anti-climatic. I was expecting it because the book was written that way, although I was still vaguely irritated and I imagine some people will feel extremely cheated.

5) It's rare that a book, and the screen version match up in scope, theme and substance. "No Country For Old Men" runs very close as the adaptation is damn near perfect, which is great if you liked the novel and less so if you were expecting something fresh.

All in all, "No Country For Old Men" is a quiet meditation on fate and choices and other weighty topics set against a chase background which begins when a simple man finds $2 million in drug money.

It's not for everyone, however, and if you go in expecting a fast-paced, glib action film then you'll be disappointed. I was not.

-BDS

Happy Thanksgiving From The Drunken Viking . . .

This is not a true Viking entry as I'm in transit to celebrate Thanksgiving where the Internet is spotty and free time is far from a given.


But here's to an enjoyable holiday for everyone. If you live abroad and Thanksgiving means nothing to you, then you could replicate the feeling by simply stuffing yourself full of food, unbuttoning your pants and passing out on the couch while football plays on the television (this is actually more enjoyable than it looks onscreen).

Thanksgiving is a good holiday to keep your expectations in check. Grandiose plans should be sent packing, and small pleasures like a leftover turkey sandwich, and good mashed potatoes are worthwhile goals.

It's also a reasonable time to be thankful for the small things in life. With that in mind, a few which are bubbling up as I drink coffee this morning include:

1) Family
2) Friends
3) Conan the Barbarian movies


4) Fine novels
5) Fine photographers


6) Garters
7) Ralph Steadman


8) A sense of humor
9) Large bathtubs
10) Youngs Winter Warmer (which I plan to consume tonight)


11) European pornography
12) Strong coffee
13) Firm handshakes


14) Non Sequitors
15) 2005 University of Texas Football Team

Have a good holiday, stay away from Friday shopping at all costs and enjoy the time off. I'll return on Monday sweating turkey and dressing from my pores.

-BDS

Up On The Mountain Vol. 13 . . .

{Editor's Note: This is a semi-regular series of high-water mark performances that spans movies, television, books, music and life its ownself.}

I don't generally care for Rob Schneider, but neither do I loathe him.

I find it semi-amazing that he's been able to headline so many movies, and although their quality has been largely suspect and frequently putrid, "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" found Schneider at the top of his game, and represented a high point that he will probably never reach again.


The preview for 'Deuce' didn't do much for me. I remember thinking that it looked ridiculous, although there was a funny scene with a large lingerie-clad woman and the verbal hijinks between "steak" and "mistake." But I still had no desire to watch the movie.

It took a slim-pickings night at Blockbuster, and being more than a little sideways before I finally rented "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo." I quickly realized, however, that I had sold this movie short as it was actually pretty funny throughout the running time.

A lot had to do with the supporting cast which included funny turns from Eddie Griffin, William Forsythe and Oded Fehr. The action unfolds after Fehr, who plays a menacing professional gigolo and fish lover, has Schneider watch his swanky house for the weekend after one of his prize fishes becomes sick.

This is a common scenario that we've all faced at one time or another.

Of course, trouble with the expensive fish ensues and soon enough, Schneider finds himself impersonating a gigolo and taking calls with a variety of women sporting a plethora of fetishes/issues.



The premise allows Schneider to play on his comedic looks as a high-priced escort, and also allows for Forsythe (as a crazed cop with romantic issues) and Griffin (as Schneider's pimp) to assist Schneider in carrying a film that was better than it had any right to be.

"Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" is not an award-winner (and the sequel is a true shitbomb), however, comedies simply have to provide a few solid laughs and Schneider carries this movie across the finish line.

Schneider has never been better nor is he going to top this performance. That's somewhat disturbing to ponder, and although this mountain is more like a tall hill, it's still worth recognizing the work.

-BDS

Inching Closer . . .

I got semi-good news this weekend as I spoke to the film producer who now has a comedy script - "Monkey Business" - written by my brother and I resting in his hands.


{Editor's Note: Unfortunately, there are no actual monkeys in the screenplay.}

As a quick recap, this started about a month ago with a random introduction to the producer followed by:

* The producer asking for a script treatment to read
* Me frantically writing a treatment which totaled about 12 pages
* A coffee shop meeting where we discussed his thoughts on the treatment.
* He liked the premise and the characters and asked for the full script
* We mailed the script and celebrated a very minor victory with a couple of pitchers

These past few weeks, we have wondered how our actual script has been holding up, and after calling the producer to find out, we discovered that so far the feedback is still positive.

On the phone, he said that he had already read the script once, then silence. This felt ominous so I said, "Well, I hoped you laughed a few times."

He said "Yes, I did." Then more silence.

"So, what are your impressions so far?" I asked.

This time he went into a bit of length, and stated that he still really liked the premise, the story structure and the comedy. The main changes he saw right now was adding more depth to the characters to juxtapose the comedic situations with something more firmly rooted in reality.

Fair enough. I can add depth any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I'll just splice in a few scenes with main characters pontificating slowly about life set against some background that's highly symbolic - like a rotted-out dumpster or more to the point, the broken-down dumpster of life.


Well, maybe something else, but it is a reasonable fix and far easier than blowing up the structure or adding characters.

The call ended with the producer telling me that he wanted to read the script a second time before we met again to discuss his thoughts in more depth. So, we now have plans to sit down the week after Thanksgiving or the first week of December, depending upon the projects that he's working on.

But regardless, it was certainly good news that our finished screenplay held up under his initial examination. It sounds like round of celebratory pints are in order to me as every little step is a small victory when you're coming out of nowhere.

-BDS

Quick Hit Friday . . .

"But, the real excitement of course is going to come at the end of the summer, during Sexual Awareness week. We import two hundred hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and two thousand dollars cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can. The winner of course is named King of Sexual Awareness week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends." - Bill Murray, "Meatballs"


It was 88 degrees this week in Austin, which is semi-ridiculous considering it's mid-November, but things could be worse. It seemed like a slow week for Hollywood shenanigans, but there is always a few stories to deal with such as:

Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India this week as the heiress attempted to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," Hilton said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network's Web site.


Hilton later clarified that she wasn't referring to Britney Spears when she mentioned the dangers of drinking coupled with excessive girth.

"Heroes" star Hayden Panettiere revealed that she has a warrant out for her in Japan after she recently paddled out to the middle of the ocean with some activist friends to try and prevent local fishermen from slaughtering a group of dolphins.

“I learned that they have an arrest warrant out for me in Japan,” Hayden Panettiere told E! News Wednesday. “We just found out.”


Panettiere is not as heroic when it comes to rescuing 30-year-old men in bathtubs when pictures are sent. Trust me.

Boy George was charged Tuesday with falsely imprisoning a 28-year-old man, British police said as the singer and DJ, whose real name is George O'Dowd, has been ordered to appear before a court on Nov. 22.

The Sun newspaper reported in April that a Norwegian man, Auden Karlsen, claimed he was chained and threatened at O'Dowd's London flat, where he had gone as a photo model.


Karlsen reported feeling traumatized as he was chained up and forced to listen to Karma Chamelon on an endless repeat while George screamed "The Boy becomes a Man tonight."

A possible class-action lawsuit filed Tuesday against the Miley Cyrus Fan Club alleges that the lure of club membership in exchange for a better shot at concert tickets is entirely bogus.

According to court documents filed on behalf of New Jersey resident Kerry Inman in U.S. District Court in Nashville, Interactive Media Marketing Inc. and Smiley Miley Inc. couldn't back up the promise of easier concert access in exchange for an annual $29.95 membership fee.

"They deceptively lured thousands of individuals into purchasing memberships, based on the understanding that by joining, they would be able to purchase tickets before they were offered for sale to the general public, and that's why we're suing," Inman's attorney, Rob Peirce, said in a statement.


I am not partaking in the lawsuit as I simply joined the fan club because I love the music. The poetic verses and all-powerful vocal talent of Hannah Montana is easily worth $30.

Michael Jackson is at risk of losing his Neverland Ranch if he does not pay at least $212,963 on his delinquent $23,212,963 loan he took out in 2006 amid mounting debts.

The Ranch could go up for auction if a foreclosure ensues.



Prospective buyers inquiring about the presence of chimpanzees and small children on the property have been officially told "no comment" for now.

Matt Damon has been named the "sexiest man alive" by People magazine, an honor that has been bestowed twice on his pals George Clooney and Brad Pitt and caught Damon by surprise.

"You gave an aging suburban dad the ego boost of a lifetime," he says in a letter published in the magazine. "My 9-year-old stepdaughter now thinks I'm cool — well, cooler."



After the announcement of the award, Carrot Top sent an angry letter to his publicist while quietly weeping.

Since we're finishing on a high note, let's continue that trend with a gold image like this:


I'm all for group nudity, and whatever ensues after shedding your clothes. So, feel free to be uninhibited today, shed your outer layer and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

Early Morning Camels . . .

I was drinking coffee this morning, and trying to postpone my workload when I stumbled across a camel, his toe and Sharon Stone in tights.


This was an unusually disturbing combination. It was not a fitting visual for 7:45 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, and honestly, I cannot think of anytime when I would enjoy the sight.

The camel toe phenomenon is not a good one. In general, I find tight and/or too small clothing for women to be a turn-on and something to be encouraged and occasionally applauded. But not in this case.


The CT boasts no redeeming qualities in my book. It can make attractive women look trashy, and trashy women nearly obscene.

There is generally no equivalent for guys that rivals the female camel toe. I recall a "Friends" episode where a guy walks around without underwear while wearing athletic shorts, which ultimately requires Gunther to sternly tell him to put "the mouse back in the house buddy."

But that's not really the same thing.

The only way to rival the CT would be to run around in public wearing spandex shorts and little else, thereby creating a distinct cast molding of your package. Maybe you could term such a thing a pocket rocket or something similar. That being said, I've yet to see this happen, and I could happily live the rest of my days without viewing it.


Then again, maybe my views on this subject are on the fringe, and most people find Camel Toes and Pocket Rockets to be devastatingly erotic entities worthy of exaltation rather than scorn.

These things happen - I just hope to avoid them during the early morning hours at the very least.

-BDS

The Greatest Sex Around Part 11 . . .

{This is the eleventh in a semi-regular series of posts regarding great cinematic sex scenes as defined by me. This is completely arbitrary and open for interpretation, but so is life.}

The words Billy Bob Thornton and tremendous sex scene aren't usually compatible, however, when you add Halle Berry into that mix, then you have enough sexual firepower to catapult their tryst in "Monster's Ball" into the all-time sex scene Hall of Fame.


The movie itself is a well-made, semi-depressing look at families, racism, and other heavy topics. But ignoring those worthy issues for a moment, it also features Thornton and Berry in a raw and somewhat controversial sex scene that provides ample heat to the screen.

The encounter occurs after Thornton realizes that he knew Berry's husband (I won't reveal how). They are sitting on the couch at his house, and then the action begins with clothes being ripped off as a long, fierce scene erupts that finds Berry asking him to "make me feel good."


The good feelings go on for quite awhile, and the audience is rewarded with a coupling that showcases Berry in all her glory as Thornton has the sense to leave plenty of unobstructed views.

While it's true that Berry could make a sex scene with a phone book look pretty terrific, it's the heat quotient in her time with Thornton which earns them a place among the cinematic elite.

-BDS

Foolish Decisions While Smelling The Glove . . .

On a whim, my brother and I decided to sign up for the YMCA adult basketball winter league which starts this coming Sunday.

We figured that it would be good exercise (I always prefer running to play a sport versus running for no particular reason except stamina), it would remind us of our high school playing days (not re-living glory mind you, unless your definition of "glory" is extremely skewed), and it would ward off the Sunday blues which can easily occur on the theoretical day of rest.

This is kind of colloborative thinking will likely lead straight to shame, but we'll know soon enough.

But regardless, this foray into team sports has already claimed one victim - me - as I jumped high and then landed on, ironically enough, my brother's shoe during practice today and rolled my ankle completely over.

Now, I'm hobbling around like Britney Spears at 3 a.m. on any given Tuesday.


Ugly.

I have a week to heal before our opening night, and although I have no idea about the level of competition, I have the Fear that there will be a number of teams taking this very seriously and playing by "prison rules" as Jim Carrey noted in "The Cable Guy" basketball scene.



This lead me to consider other movies with quality basketball scenes which include (in no particular order):

1) Teen Wolf - Quite simply the best werewolf basketball action ever committed to film


2) Soul Man - One of the funniest basketball scenes ever committed to film.
3) Hoosiers - Just a damn fine film.

I've also come to believe that talent isn't the determining factor in a basketball team's success - it's the name.

A good or inscrutable name will instantly cause the opponent to consider your motives when the schedule appears. Your skills rarely proceed you, however, other teams will know your name.

Our team name: Smell the Glove. If you can tell me where I stole that from during a long brainstorming session conducted at an outdoor patio last week, then I'll be impressed.

"Smell the Glove" marks yet another team that I have played on where the name was evocative, bizarre or both. Past efforts included:

1) Scent of a Crouton - Utter nonsense. It means nothing.


2) Gorilla Masks - Reference to a horrible and despicable sexual act.
3) Greased Weasels - Simply liked the sound of such a thing.

Each time those teams finished with winning records, so I have high hopes for our inaugural season with a squad of white collar workers, friends of friends and other miscreants.

That's probably the pain pills talking, and with that in mind, I'm going to bed to dream about healing and excessively limber librarians - maybe not in that order.


-BDS

Quick Hit Friday . . .

"Listen dad, I'm howling at the Moon, I'm dodging silver bullets. I have a $5 haircut, I'm struggling at school. I have problems already Dad. I don’t need this one." - Michael J. Fox, "Teen Wolf"


We've all got our problems, but it's Friday and big issues are best left for early in the week when you can knock them down to size. A way to lessen our own burdens is by focusing on others, so with that concept in mind, let's tackle stories from this week like:

Katie Holmes was among the tens of thousands of runners participating in Sunday's New York City Marathon, finishing the race in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. Husband Tom Cruise and their daughter, Suri, were at the finish line to congratulate the actress, according to event officials.


Holmes was ecstatic about her finish until she realized that she ran 26.2 miles as fast as she could, and she yet still couldn't escape from Cruise.

Shia LaBeouf was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespassing after the "Transformers" star refused to leave a Chicago Walgreens. A security guard told LaBeouf that he needed to leave the Walgreens store because he appeared to be drunk, police said, and after LaBeouf refused, he was arrested.


It was only a matter of time before this happened to LaBeouf because I know the one place I always go when I'm drunk is Walgreens. Nothing says drunken fun like a mass-market drugstore.


Britney Spears must provide a single, working telephone number to be called in for drug testing, a court commissioner ruled Thursday after her ex-husband's attorney said she has repeatedly failed to respond to calls for the court-ordered screenings.

Of the 14 such calls placed to Spears, she failed to respond eight times, Kevin Federline attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan told Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon earlier in the day.


Spears's lawyers argued that Britney was too strung out on drugs to answer most of those calls, however, that argument held no weight with the judge.


Mickey Rourke was arrested Thursday on suspicion of driving under the influence on his scooter by Florida police.

A Miami Beach Police report said Rourke made a U-turn with a red light and then swerved several times while on a green scooter. He had a flushed face and bloodshot, watery eyes, his speech was slurred, and he had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath, the report said.

"I'm not drunk, I didn't even drink that much," the report quoted Rourke as saying.


I don't know how police couldn't believe Rourke or any man who could sport a sweet mustache like he's been boasting lately. I would believe ANYTHING he said.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel have signed on to star in the new offbeat comedy "Nailed," which chronicles a sex-crazed lobbyist and the corrupt politician that takes advantage of her.


My only hope for the film is that it fulfills the promise of the title - at least where Biel is concerned - and if they need a body double for Gyllenhaal, then I will clear my schedule.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen reportedly is refusing to accept payment in U.S. dollars because the currency is "too weak."

Patricia Bundchen, the model's twin sister and manager told Bloomberg that "Contracts starting now are more attractive in euros because we don't know what will happen to the dollar."


I wish Gisele good luck, however, I would caution her not to get her hopes up because I've been asking my employer to pay me in Bundchen sisters for years and I have never gained any traction whatsoever.

After weeks of speculation, both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez confirmed that that they were pregnant this week.



No shit.

A Boston priest was arrested in New York City last week and has been charged with stalking late-night talk show host Conan O'Brien, New York City police said.
Rev. David Ajemian has been placed on leave after he was arrested last Friday after being accused of sending O'Brien threatening notes on parish letterhead and contacting his parents.


I know O'Brien looks young for his age, but this stalking thing is ridiculous.
But let's not end with crimes and unlawful activities, and instead, we'll focus on things like:


I'm no electronics expert, but I do believe this woman would enjoy the music more with those headphones resting over her ears. So, if you find somebody in need of assistance today - half-naked or note - take advantage, earn some good karma and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

Tagged . . .

Being both a man of endurance as well as one who never refuses a tag, here is a Wednesday Q & A.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
Myself. Is that egomaniacal? Possibly, but it's true as last night was actually fairly shitty because as we all know, bad luck tends to come in waves and I was fighting under the surf yesterday.

2.What were you doing at 0800?
Drinking coffee and answering blogs as I have already been to the gym this morning where I witnessed a sweaty man imitate a wounded hyena as he grunted frequently and loudly while lifting weights which were about half the size of mine. Keep it quiet - especially in the morning.


3. What happened to you in 2006?
Researched buying loft in Austin which happened in 2007, lived like a workout/diet-enhanced monk for a fitness modeling gig in New York, wrote a comedic screenplay which is now starting to get sent out, went to Ireland for best friend's wedding, wrote 100th blog post, discovered the existence of Yetis yet lost the evidence, and saved a bus full of nuns from certain doom.



4. How many beverages did you have today?
Coffee, protein shake and water. Rinse and repeat.

5. What color is your hairbrush?
I don't know. Does it matter - they all comb hair right?

6. Where were you last night?
At home after spending an afternoon with an electrician and then having my wife's car blow up. Needless to say, I was drinking as well.

7.What color is your front door?
Slate gray. It matches the scorred (sp?) concrete floors in my downstairs room.

8. Where do you keep your change?
A glass bowl in the house, lighter holder in my car and a change of underwear in the trunk - just to be safe.

9. What's the weather like today?
Gray, but cool, so I'll take it. It's about 70 degrees or so.

10. What's the best ice cream flavor?
Cherry Garcia is hard to beat, and far less embarrassing to say than Chunky Monkey.


11. What excites you?
Free time, garters, piranhas, good novels, sunshine, thongs and bear-skin rugs.

12. Do you want to cut your hair?
No. If I cut my own hair, I would look like a buffoon.

13.Are you over the age of 25?
Unfortunately.

14.Do you talk a lot?
Depends. As a general rule, I don't really throw it out there unless I've been drinking or am comfortable/like you as a person. This leads to a lot of assumptions that I can be arrogant on first impressions.

15. Do you watch the OC?
It's canceled, however, I did watch some of the first season and damn Mischa Barton is a bad actress.

16. Do you make up your own words?
Oh yeah. I posted on this a month or so ago, and it usually happens when I am so angry that normal curse words just won't cut it.

17. Are you a jealous person?
Not really. I'm fairly secure about myself, and jealousy is generally a waste of time in my opinion.

18. Name a friend whose name starts with an 'A'?
Aaron. An older friend who I worked with at a personal training studio in Plano. He eventually got into Meth, skipping work and extreme pornography. Not necessarily in that order.

19. Name a friend whose name starts with a 'K'?
None that I can recall.

20. Who's the first person on your received call list?
My brother.

21. What does the last text msg you received say?
I rarely text, but the last one I received was SPAM from Cingular.

22. Do you chew on a straw?
I loathe straws, and don't chew on them - I throw them away.

23. Where's the next place you are going?
To visit family in McKinney or Oklahoma for Thanksgiving. Then, onto Taos in January.

24. Who's the rudest person in your life?
My company CEO, but it's probably not his fault as it seems to be a prerequisite for the position.

25. What was the last thing you ate?
Ground turkey and brown rice.

26. Will you get married in the future?
I'm there now, and have no plans to do so again unless I convert to the Mormon religion. In that case, the line forms to the left. Ha.

27. What's the best movie you've seen in the last 2 weeks?
"American Gangster," but I have high hopes for "No Country For Old Men," which I plan to see very soon.


28. When was the last time you did dishes?
Last Xmas at my grandparents house in Oklahoma. It sucked. Viva dish washing machines.

29. Are you currently depressed?
Nope. Just generally pissed off, which is normal and not nearly the same thing.

30. Did you cry today?
Not unless I get kicked in the crotch before the day ends.

31. What was the last thing you said aloud?
Is my fly unzipped? (Editor's Note: It wasn't.}

32. What car do you drive and what Bumpersticker(s) do you have on it?
I drive a Audi TT convertible with no bumper stickers attached.


33 Why did you answer this and post it?
I always answer tags, it has 33 questions (I have a big thing with the number 3 - platonically of course), and I had a long conference call today where I only did a little bit of the talking.

-BDS

Corporate Etiquette 102 . . .

{The workplace is a jungle filled with jackals, wineheads and bosses with mouths like a crocodile. There are also decent people, but I'm starting to question the percentages. This is the second in a series of corporate encounters which offer no easy resolutions.}

"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler…" Milton Waddams, "Office Space"


I came back from an office meeting yesterday to discover that someone had stolen chapstick off my desk.

I left for the meeting with my Jack Black chapstick (SPF 25 - a gift from an ex-client) sitting inside a wooden tray. I returned to find it gone without a trace. This was both surprising and disturbing on many levels.


What kind of a person steals another man's chapstick? Chapstick is not a hygienic theft as you are obviously stealing something that has been on another person's lips. There were far better choices in my estimation (almonds, business card holder, lint roller, Altoids, signed picture of Rue McClanahan {joking - unfortunately}, etc), but this inter-office thief chose to ignore those options for a very personal theft which has left me wondering about the motives of everyone from the IT guy to our administrative assistant.


It's hard to decipher what evil lurks in the hearts of our fellow co-workers, eh?

I am more fearful than angry, and now envision some co-worker who I accidentally slighted is burning an effigy of me in a darkened room while chanting and wearing paper pants. Let's hope not.

In the meantime, I will consider setting another trap in hopes of catching the culprit, however, I will be replacing Jack Black with standard chapstick since I'm footing the bill on this one.

-BDS

Thoughts on "American Gangster" . . .

Worth A Matinee or Full-Price Ticket: Full price. I say full price with the caveat that you must really like gangster movies - which are also long - as this one clocks in at 2 hours and 40 minutes. {Editor's Note: I saw a matinee showing.}

Will I Own It On DVD: Doubtful. I might eventually buy it if I can find a good price, but feel no need to watch it again for awhile.


1) From the first preview I saw for "American Ganster," this film had epic written all over it. The fact that it featured Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe in the lead roles, a 'based on a true story' tagline and a long running time begged for the distinction in my mind. But "American Gangster" only fleetingly works on these terms as the movie is consistently very, very good yet doesn't quite measure up to the all-time greats as this slow-burn project only fully ignites in short stretches.

2) Denzel Washington gives an outstanding performance as Frank Lucas, a drug kingpin (or businessman in his own mind) who gets rich by importing heroin into Harlem via the caskets of dead American soliders coming home from Vietnam. It's been awhile since Washington was this engaged in a film as 'Gangster' gives him a meaty role to play with, and he nails it.


3) Russell Crowe matches Washington's intensity as an honest New Jersey cop intent on taking him down. Crowe gets shortchanged by the script, however, as his story and motivations are never as fleshed out as Washingtons, a problem which is disappointing given the film's length.


4) I always enjoy movies set in the 70s as filmmakers typically set the mood with lots of cigarettes, muscle cars, outlandish fashion and questionable facial hair. All these bases were covered in 'Gangster,' which I personally enjoyed.

5) The most unfortunate aspect of 'Gangster' was the lack of screen time that Crowe and Washington share together. This film is vaguely like "Heat," where two acting titans (Pacino and De Niro in that case) work thorough a long film and only play off each other in a handful of scenes. Luckily, this movie boasts a strong supporting cast including Chiwetel Ejifor, Josh Brolin and Cuba Gooding Jr. (in what has to be the first project in at least 5 years which he wasn't embarrased to be involved with) which makes the build-up to Crowe vs. Washington worthwhile.

All in all, "American Gangster" delivers the goods, but doesn't quite reach its full potential despite a stellar cast and solid directing from Ridley Scott. It was still a very enjoyable film, however, and anytime you can see Crowe and Washington in the same movie then it's likely worth the money.

-BDS

Quick Hit Friday . . .

"And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday." Weird Al Yankovic, "UHF"


On a more positive note, the weather is holding steady with sun and near perfect temperatures in Austin this week, however, my body is flagging as it take immense willpower to say no to patio bars. But there's no need to wallow in excess when there are truly important stories to deal with such as:

It was reported that Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are hooking up after the pair were spotted this week at Manhattan hot spot the Rose Bar .

A witness told the New York Post that: "They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m."


Although some find this coupling to be semi-bizarre and nasty, I think it makes sense as Olsen is nearly as flat and skinny as the bicycles which Armstrong rode successfully for so many years. It's like going home again for Lance.

A selfish Britney Spears barely talks to or plays with her two baby boys - and treats them like fashion accessories, a child care expert reported in court this week.

"The environment at the house ranged from chaotic to almost somber with little communication at all," parenting coach Lisa Hacker writes in a scathing evaluation that a judge cited in denying the singer's demand she get back shared custody. Judge Scott Gordon has ordered the kids to remain with their father, rapper Kevin Federline, granting Spears only two seven-hour visits a week and one overnight stay.



This is the worst parenting news I've heard about Spears to date because if she is using the kids as "fashion accessories" then they could be warped for life based upon some of Britney's recent stylings.

TV bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman apologized Wednesday for using the N-word repeatedly in a profanity-laced tirade during a private phone conversation with his son that was recorded and posted online. In the conversation, Chapman urges his son to break up with his girlfriend. He also expresses concern about the girlfriend going public about the TV star's use of the N-word.

"I'm not going to take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some (expletive) n--- heard us say 'n---' and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine."


It was definitely poor judgment, however, what can you expect from an adult who goes by the name of "Dog?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger told GQ magazine that he had not taken drugs, even though he has acknowledged using marijuana in the 1970s and was shown smoking a joint in the 1977 documentary "Pumping Iron."

"That is not a drug. It's a leaf. My drug was pumping iron, trust me," the Independent quoted him, as saying.


It must be nice to be the Governor of California because that line of reasoning never won me any points with law officials where dope was concerned.

William Shatner was angry this week after it was announced that he would not be invited back to play Captain Kirk in the new "Start Trek" movie.

''I couldn't believe it. I'm not in the movie at all," Shatner reportedly said on Thursday. "I thought, what a decision to make, since it obviously is a decision not to make use of the popularity I have to ensure the movie has good box office. It didn't seem to be a wise business decision.''


If Shatner ensured good box office, then I can't quite fathom why the last movie I remember him in was "Loaded Weapon," and that was far from a masterpiece.

Police in Los Angeles are investigating actor Pierce Brosnan for the alleged battery of a photographer after the former James Bond star was with his kids in a Malibu mall outside a restaurant when lensman Barry Rosen began taking pictures of him.

Pierce responded by saying, "Why don't you get a real f---ing job," according to Rosen. Rosen then began complimenting Brosnan on his performance in his James Bond roles, which seemed to strike a raw chord with the actor, who proceeded to shout, "Why don't you f--k off, mate?" and punch Rosen in the ribs, according to Rosen.

Bystanders who witnessed the incident said Rosen reacted by kicking Brosnan in the stomach.


One can only guess what might have occurred if Rosen had given Brosnan constructive criticism on "Dante's Peak."

As always, let's forget the negative, accentuate the postive and end with a gold image like this:


I fully appreciate suiting up in proper attire for any athletic endeavor, and this team is one I would like to play. Sometimes, two hand-touch can become challenging, so remember to firmly tackle the opposition, play hard and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

Halloween Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

{This is the fourteenth in a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, a few pitchers of Fat Tire were consumed which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}


* Never use the word hump when you really mean fuck.

* In general, sarcasm, a keen sense of irony and a sharp wit will get you nowhere in the corporate world

* The person who came up with the expression concerning "taking candy from a baby" was a sick individual because you know it was based on personal experience.


* Be wary of going home with a woman who wins the bobbing for apples contest at the Halloween party - she bites down hard.


* Do go out of your way to go home with the female costume-wearer who can tie a firm cherry-stem knot with her tongue.

* Crocs should only be worn by small children, hygienists or possibly at the beach. That's it.


* Wearing Guess jeans when you are extremely large is a poor idea as the answer to the implied question is rarely good.

* If you find yourself using office jargon outside of work - slap yourself hard until you stop.

* Despite appearances, always remember that a Gorilla is never your friend .


* "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." --Humphrey Bogart

-BDS