Going Deep And Embracing The Pain . . .

{Editor's Notes: Congratulations to Miss Ash, who was the only person to answer all 12 questions correct. Thanks to everyone for playing as most people got either 10 or 11 right and once I sort through them all, shirts will be sent out.}

I got a deep-tissue massage yesterday, and I needed it like Anna Nicole Smith needs a brain or Keira Knightly needs a cupcake.



Well, maybe not quite that badly, however, I had knots in every possible muscle group according to the masseuse - and then she blasted me into submission. Again and again.

Gentle drums beat rhythmically from the stereo as she used her oils and powerful hands to knead the knots until they released their tension. But they would not go gently. They fought and struggled valiantly before ultimately relenting their hold over me.


"Where do they go from here?" I asked at one point in a daze of delirium and pain.

She laughed and said "Oh, you poor dear," before she dug her elbow into my rhomboids and pushed harder.

The massage was frequently painful, often vicious and ultimately very satisfying. A little soreness today is a small price to pay for the greater freedom of movement and strength.

This was a far cry from a relaxing Swedish massage or a Happy Ending session at some seedy establishment where the windows are tinted and the staff look like this yet are unlikely to be nationally certified therapists:


Those are entirely different matters with far different goals in mind.

I needed a release of the legal variety, and one thing I learned during the session was to embrace the pain. You can't run or hide from it, and doing so just makes things worse.

It might not be as excrutiating as watching Britney Spears dress herself and then appear in public . . .



But it was close and I feel like a new man today thanks to a session that pushed my inner resolve to the limit.

-BDS

$2 Dollar Pop Culture Quiz . . .

At long last, here is the first $2 Dollar Productions Pop Culture Quiz. This will give you a little taste of how my brother and I have been expanding our minds lately.

The rules: The first 5 people who email me the correct answers to bstokes33@hotmail.com will receive a $2 shirt that looks like this:




{Editor's Note: I wouldn't put the answers in the comments section unless you want others to benefit from your expansive knowledge. Ha. But feel free to add any questions of your own as I will compile them for a later post as I need to study too.}

And with that, here are the questions:

1) One tagline for the firm read "ever since two enterpirsing young men turned the City Morgue into a swinging business people have been dying to get in."

2) What movie involves college, plastics and Ben Braddock?

3) Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey were in what two movies together?

4) In 1990, which film was the biggest box office draw in $ - Pretty Woman, Home Alone or Ghost?

5) What 3 movies did Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise co-star together?

6) Name 3 Jim Carrey movies to gross over $100 million?

7) What real-life person knocked Elaine out of "The Contest" on Seinfeld?

8) What actor did not cameo on "Friends" - Brad Pitt, Jon Favreau, Chris Issack or Vince Vaughn.

9) Who played the son of Al Bundy on "Married with Children"

10) What was the name of the show that gave rise to Urkel?

11) Who was originally supposed to star alongside Paris Hilton in "The Simple Life."

12) Who made a bizarre appearance on MTV's Total Request Live before taking time off for exhaustion?

The gauntlet has been cast aside, and let the games begin.

-BDS

Birthday Manifesto & Ticket Bought . . .

"You never slow down
You never grow old," - Tom Petty

Ahh, this Monday feels bleaker than most as it also doubles as my birthday.

Is there anything worse than having your birthday fall on a Monday? The answer is yes. This is one of those "milestone" birthdays for me despite the fact that there are no good benchmarks to hit once you've turned 21 and can drink legally.

16 was great because it allowed you to drive a car.

18 was even better because you could then drive your car to a gas station and buy cigarettes, lotto cards and pornography (if your gas station was kind of sleazy).


21 is obvious and if you remember that night clearly then you are a better person than me.


But once 21 is dead and gone, there are no more milestones to look forward to unless you're a cheap bastard and are just itching to get the senior discount at IHOP and the movies.

But enough birthday bitching, eh? In reality, any birthday you celebrate is a good one because it means you're still walking around on two legs and have the ability to fiercely pursue any bizarre course of action that you deem reasonable.

Speaking of, I finally confirmed my trip to New York City and have a plane ticket in hand as I will be there from Feb 18 - 22nd.

What will I be doing for this modeling trip?

Who knows & at this point I no longer care because simply getting the invitation was the endgame for me as the rest is gravy (and I could eat a lot of gravy at this very instant).

And according to my nutrionist, I'm tracking fairly well, although we're still trying to take off some additional body fat and then build out over the last 2 1/2 weeks.


I wish it were ending tomorrow as my mood is turning blacker by the day, but for my birthday, I am going to push those thoughts aside and merely weep quietly at my desk.

I'm sure nobody will notice.

But I did want to remind everyone and post notice that tomorrow a Pop Culture quiz will be posted here between 8:30 - 9:30 a.m. Central time, and the first 5 people to email me the correct answers will receive this handsome prize:



So, if you've got nothing better to do on a Monday, then surf the Web to start preparing for this contest.

I will be hiding under my desk if you need me.

-BDS

Bathing With The Drunken Viking . . .

{This is the sixth of what will be a recurring series that will only happen when I have consumed far too many spirits with my brother. Last night, several celebratory pints were ordered which triggered strange thoughts, candid insights and pure horseshit. Selah.}

* Allowing more than 3 people to buy you a shot for your birthday is a very bad idea

* If every stripper who claimed to be putting herself through medical school actually was then I would visit my doctor much more often.

* "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" is an excellent movie, but I have to believe that part of my reason for liking it so well had to do with the fact that Jessica Rabbit is probably the sexiest cartoon character to ever walk the face of the Earth.

* I love peeing outside in nature - it's like one giant toilet.

* I know Sex on the Beach was a good thing to buy a girl in college and I also know it sounds vaguely interesting in theory, but the reality is that sand gets everywhere and into every orifice and that is not very funny at all.

* New Blogger forced/tricked me into signing up for it yesterday and I'm still pissed as I hate learning this crap (like how do you move pics within the fields). I was holding out for months against those bastards, but they finally won.

* Serving any kind of seafood at a fast-food restauraunt is usually a horrible idea.

* I like to wear varying shades of black-on-black on occasion, but nearly always worry about looking like Neo from "The Matrix."

* The term "thinking outside the box" has been used so much that I can't figure out who the hell would still be thinking inside the box? And if so, they damn sure wouldn't admit it.

- BDS

Quick Hit Friday . . .

"He said 'Baby, up your butt with a coconut.' I think he was prepared to do it. But I saw no coconut. There was no coconut to my knowledge." - Bill Murray - Quick Change



It's Friday again, and since my birthday is looming on Monday, it is also a celebratory weekend. But before anything interesting can begin, there is work to do and news to dissect, so let's jump right in with:

Leonardo DiCaprio told Newsweek that he almost gave up acting after feeling like "a piece of meat following the international success of Titanic in 1997.


Personally, I treat my meat extremely well and I think there are far worse things to be construed as, but I think what might have made me want to quit was when James Cameron told me I'd have to stand at the front of the ship and yell "I'm the king of the world."

Paris Hilton was sentenced to three years' probation this week after pleading no contest to alcohol-related reckless driving.


From now on, Paris will be driven around by Nicole Richie. Bad idea. Perhaps Lindsey Lohan? Even worse idea. If the judge was in my pocket, I think a sentence of 3 years making Paris take the bus would have been much more appropriate.

Keira Knightley sued Britain's Daily Mail for insinuating that she was dangerously thin, and that she might have an eating disorder.


Yeah, she looks about as healthy as 90-year-old woman on a feeding tube.

Jennifer Aniston will play a lesbian in her guest stint of FX's Dirt and share a kiss with former "Friends" co-star Courteney Cox. The former Friends co-stars, who are best friends in real life, play bitter enemies and rival tabloid editors on the March 27 season finale.


I guess that would make them "Friends" with benefits, eh? Those are always the best kind.

Last week on Quick Hit Friday, I speculated whether "Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington would go to rehab or be fired first - and the winner is . . . Rehab as the actor has started counseling as "a necessary step towards understanding why I did what I did . . . "


I am so sick and tired of people doing insanely stupid things, and then using rehab as a get-out-of-jail free pass. Washington is merely the latest example.

Tyra Banks has always emphasized the importance of body confidence, but told People magazine that it stung when tabloids ran pictures of her in a swimsuit under headlines like , "America's Next Top Waddle" and "Tyra Porkchop."

Banks said it was "such a strange meanness. . . . It was really hurtful."


{Editor's Note: This is not the swimsuit shot in question}

She's likely right about it being flat-out mean, but weight issues aside, Tyra seems more than a little crazy and extremely egocentric from nearly every clip I've ever seen of "America's Next Top Model" or her talk show. So, I guess there are some subjects that even Tyra doesn't want to discuss about herself.

As always, let's end with a gold image that makes me want to purr like a leopard:


And with that in mind, I hope everyone indulges their animal instincts this weekend, so . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

$2 Dollar Shirts & Contest Ready . . .

With any luck, the $2 Dollar Productions shirts will be rolling hot off the presses later this week, and the final design (as envisioned by my brother) looks like this:

{FRONT}

{BACK}

Simple & elegant as that is a black Hanes t-shirt with electric blue writing.

These will be worn during our upcoming chance to make it on VH1's "World Series of Pop Culture," which we will try out for in early February. As I mentioned before, the Austin qualifier will produce one winning team who automatically moves into the real game to be filmed in New York City in March.

But even if you lose, there is still a shot that the producers can grant you a "wild card" birth in the contest.

I would prefer to win the thing, but I am becoming increasingly nervous about my knowledge base. My brother and I have been trying to study by running through trivia cards (Pop Culture board game, Movie Scene In Game), however, there's really no good way to cram for such a broad subject.

The categories could be virtually anything from Reality TV to 80s movies to Late Night Television to Cartoons to whatever, and so it really comes down to whether you've absorbed our pop culture like a sponge and are ready to regurgitate it back out.

Anybody can tell you who said "Life is like a box of chocolates," but those same people don't necessarily know the name of Ice-T's extremely trampy wife (CoCo).


{Editor's Note: Possibly the worst camel toe I have ever seen}

I might know more about Pop Culture than the average bear, but I'm no expert. I read too many books to be a true aficionado who could strike fear into my opponents, but I'm striving to narrow that gap.

To keep my head in the game and also to get some of these shirts circulating out in the world, I will be writing out a trivia contest to posted this following Tuesday - January 30th - and the first 5 people who send me the correct answers will be awarded a newly minted shirt.

What a deal, eh?

The categories will likely be movies and television, and if you're interested in exercising your brain and love t-shirts, then start preparing immediately.

Personally, I'm going to keep scanning Wikipedia and hoping that some of the categories skew my way. Selah.

-BDS

Oscar Beats Me Like A Gong . . .

Oscar nominations were announced yesterday, and although I'm typically well-versed in the competition among the films, this year I have neglected a majority of the nominees for various reasons.

Many of my rationales for not seeing these movies may have been suspect, however, it doesn't change the fact that I'm woefully unprepared at present to predict the outcomes and make arguments that the actual winners might not deserve their awards.

The big winners so far have been "Babel" (7 nominations) and "Dreamgirls" (8 nominations though shut out of the really big categories). I have seen neither of them.



In the case of "Babel," I assumed from the first preview I saw that this would be a well-meaning, possibly profound and utterly bleak affair. It was the last part that has kept me from seeing it so far as every time I considered it, I just wasn't in the mood for something that heavy.

"Dreamgirls" was a different story as I just generally don't care for musicals with the notable exception of "Footloose," which was more of a dancing movie.

I liked "Chicago" just fine, but didn't rush out to see it. I've heard Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson were excellent (and both received best supporting Oscar nominations) in "Dreamgirls," a fact that still hasn't caused me to pay money and sit inside a theater.

For Best Picture, "Babel" will be competing against ``The Departed,'' ``The Queen,'' ``Letters from Iwo Jima'' and ``Little Miss Sunshine'."


I've only seen "The Departed" (which was excellent) among that group of nominees, although I do plan to rent "Little Miss Sunshine" this weekend. "Letters From Iwa Jima" hasn't even been released in Austin, and I just can't muster any enthusiasm whatsoever to see "The Queen" as I care about the British Royal Family almost as much as I do about fine cheeses or crack - which is next to nothing at all.


The Best Actor category features competition between Leonardo DiCaprio for ``Blood Diamond,'' Ryan Gosling for ``Half Nelson,'' Peter O'Toole for ``Venus,'' Will Smith for ``The Pursuit of Happyness'' and Forest Whitaker for ``The Last King of Scotland."

If I was betting, I would lay odds on Whitaker winning this one with strong competition from O'Toole, although not one single person in the United States has actually seen "Venus."

Best actress features the typical Academy list which they seem to pull from every year, and includes Penelope Cruz for ``Volver,'' Judi Dench for ``Notes on a Scandal,'' Helen Mirren for ``The Queen,'' Meryl Streep for ``The Devil Wears Prada'' and Kate Winslet for ``Little Children.''

Cruz is the only oddball in this mix as the rest seem permanently fixed in a slot. It is my sneaking suspicion that no Academy Members actually watch Judi Dench in her movies; they simply hear her name and pencil her in on the ballot.


She could likely show up on-screen for all of 3 minutes, take a crap in the middle of a scene and then declare something biting in her lofty accent and still secure a nomination. But that's just my theory (and it's not to say that she is not a good actor either, simply that you don't have to reward her every single time).

Anyway, there are many more categories, but if I can't even tackle the major ones, then my depth of knowledge about Best Animated Documentary shorts will be even worse.

I obviously have a lot of catching up to do, but that's also one of the irritating things about getting older is that you tend to see fewer movies in the theater, which is just another thing to add to my growing concerns about my upcoming birthday that is less than a week away.

There is no time to waste, and I might have to sneak away at lunch to start reversing this trend.

-BDS

Irrational Fears About Centaurs . . .

I was trying to focus on work this morning, but instead, my mind drifted towards centaurs - you know, the half-horse, half-men who roam the forests of the world.


These creatures are stock mythological characters who are typically seen as benevolent and good whenever they turn up in stories. But I have never liked them very much at all.

There has always been something vaguely filthy about these things, which has caused me to doubt the veracity of their statements and the true intentions of their hearts.


I remember seeing "The Chronicles of Narnia" movie, and feeling very uneasy about the children forming an alliance with talking half-men whose mother's must have had sex with a horse or possibly an entire team of Clydesdales to conceive them.


This seems to be the root of my problem with centaurs as I just don't like the bestiality aspect of their origin, which seems like a huge family secret that you would never want to share in polite company.

It's very possible that they were created a different way, but I have never heard of their true origins.

And until I do, I will regard them warily because I have been to Old Mexico. I have seen the donkey show. It is not a pretty sight.

Trust me.

-BDS

Indecisiveness May Or May Not Be My Problem . . .

I don't know the cause nor do I have an answer for it, but I have been one indecisive bastard lately.

Paper or plastic, gel or pomade, pork chops or Astro-glide, there are simply no easy decisions in my personal forecast for reasons unkown to me. These pictures didn't help my delicate condition this morning as I waffled on them all like a socially awkward dancer at a middle school social.


I simply couldn't decide whether Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler looked like a pansexual wood elf who submerged himself in the water or an emaciated sewer rat soaking in the surf.


It was impossible to determine whether Rachel McAdams (Wedding Crashers, The Notebook) looked semi-cute with her new pink do or like a twelth-rate punk wanna-be who spilled a bottle of Pepto-Bismol on herself and decided that she actually liked it.


And who could say whether this outfit represented a step-up or another step-down for Britney Spears?

Not me. Not today. Maybe not for awhile.


The only thing I do know is that this guy is the least genetically-gifted person in North America, and that the only thing worse than a miniscule penis would be one that is obscured by unruly pubic hair.

So, that might be two things, but at least it means that all hope isn't lost for my ability to cast judgements, which does constitute a small relief on a Monday morning.

-BDS

Up On The Mountain Vol. 11 . . .

{Editor's Note: This is a semi-regular series of high-water mark performances that spans movies, television, books, music and life its ownself.}

"Take me down to the Paradise City
Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty," - Guns N Roses, "Paradise City"

"Paradise City" might not have the fierce guitar opening of "Sweet Child of Mine," the quiet drive of "Patience" or the mammoth opus that was "November Rain," however, for my money, the song represents the pinnacle of Guns N Roses brief ride to the top of the musical summit.

The track was on their landmark recording, "Appetite For Destruction," which was easily one of the best debut albums ever made.



From the opening refrain listed above to the music backing it, the song mixes in some bleak imagery of someone "living under the street" with a driving plea to take a trip to an ideal utopia where the grass is supple and fertilized and even more importantly, the girls look good. Damn good.

You wouldn't have to twist my arm to get me there as I have a long-standing appreciation for both grass and women, which Axl's vocal timber and Slash's guitar work make sound even better than they usually do.


This song was the culmination of the original band in all its glory. Before all the egomania, bad craziness and bombast that followed, Guns N Roses never flew as high as they did with "Paradise City."

The video was pretty cool as well.

I still get irritated when I hear about the new Guns N Roses album, "Chinese Democracy," which may or may never come out. But it doesn't feel like a real G N R effort, and I would bet hard cash that no song on the album will come close to this one, which was truly a high-water mark for the band.

-BDS

Quick Hit Friday . . .

"I'm a fiend for Mojitos," - Colin Farrell, "Miami Vice"


The ice has finally melted in Austin, which means it's time for delayed business trips and work in general, but before all of that reality sets in, let's examine some of the truly important stories in the world.

Lindsey Lohan finally entered rehab this week.


Yawn. Wake me up and remind me to care when she falls off the wagon again, flashes her crotch and falls over drunk at a party and breaks something. Those were the days, eh?

The Golden Globes are always a good time, but Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz reportedly didn't get fully into the spirit of things. Diaz supposedly stalked Justin like a wounded hyena and at an after-party got into a screaming match after catching him talking to Jessica Biel.



In a Diaz-Biel brawl, my money is squarely on Jessica and I would be rooting for her too as Diaz generally annoys the hell out of me.

In other Globes news, "Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington issued the following statement after he followed up some offensive language on the set with the same exact thing at the awards show.

"I apologize to T.R., my colleagues, the fans of the show and especially the lesbian and gay community for using a word that is unacceptable in any context or circumstance. By repeating the word Monday night, I marred what should have been a perfect night for everyone who works on 'Grey's Anatomy."


Let's see if he's fired or checks himself into rehab first as my advice would be don't use the word fag unless you're talking about a cigarrette in Europe.

Moving to something that is surprising, Tara Reid actually looked decent while lounging around recently on a beach in Australia.


It's been a long, hard road for Reid, but she seems to have hit bottom and is actually starting to claw her way out of the gutter. We'll see how long that lasts as "Taradaise" is still stuck in my mind on an endless and horrifying loop.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was sentenced to five days of menial work for throwing her cell phone at her former maid after the supermodel suspected her hired help of pilfering a pair of designer jeans.

Her maid needed 4 stitches to close the wound on her head.

I think 5 days is too light for Campbell who has a history of treating her employees with an Iron Fist - literally - and a far better punishment would have been for Campbell to be the maid for a month and allow her former employee to assume the role of taskmaster.

Fair is fair.


The hits just keep on coming for Britney Spears who was vying for a spot on an all- star NFL Network promo to air during the Feb. 4 Super Bowl Game.

The New York Daily News, quoted a source told the singer's camp no because Spears is "too much of a train wreck. Besides, we already have Paris Hilton."


Ouch. When you've dropped behind Paris on the totem pole of celebrity taste and class then might as well be underground you've slid so far.

But let's stop that downward spiral right now, and end on a high swirly note of color and class:


There's a thaw in the air and a kaleidoscope of harmony in my heart, so with that in mind, stay warm and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

SPATS - What Are They Good For . . .

"In all of my relationships with women, I had always done everything possible to avoid a spat. I hated spats almost as much as I hated infantile editors. I would lie, cheat, and steal to avoid a spat and justify it on the grounds that spats were bad for my work. Shouting, cursing, and lecturing went along with the spats I had known, and I didn't agree with the theory that spats were healthy because they let you get the anger out of your system. Spats never solved anything that I knew of, but maybe I had never been a part of a good one.


Another thing about spats. There was never a good time or a good place to have them. A person was either eating, drinking, working, thinking or sleeping, and why would you want to interrupt any of those things for a spat?" - Dan Jenkins, "You Gotta Play Hurt"

I couldn't agree more with Jenkins.

A good spat is something I can't recall, however, I can remember vividly many nasty ones that served to upset my stomach and generally ruin whatever I had been trying to accomplish prior to the disruption.

This attempted avoidance often leads to glossing over certain things and leaving out others entirely because they have the potential to lead to a spat.

Ironically, it's this same deception that usually makes the spat even worse when it does occur as spats are like cockroaches or Jim Belushi - they never really disappear; they just hide for awhile and then come back stronger than ever.


But what are they really good for? That is the real question.


Perhaps I'm not qualified to answer as I come down firmly on the side of avoidance, so if anyone can explain the justification, I'm all ears as I hate to discount something without giving it some proper consideration.

If not, I still side with Jenkins who offered:

"I ordered another coffee and sat there awhile and tried to think of any men I knew who enjoyed spats. I couldn't think of any."

Amen.

-BDS

The Mcconaughey Paradox . . .

Before starting work this morning, I was surfing around the Internet and stumbled upon these pictures of Matthew Mcconaughey carousing in Australia.



Mcconaughey is Down Under shooting another romantic comedy with Kate Hudson, and per usual, has cut a wide party path wherever he roams.

I've generally liked Mcconaughey ever since his break-out role as Wooderson in "Dazed and Confused." He also went to my same college and is a tremendous fan of UT football, which doesn't hurt either.

That being said, I don't care for a lot of his movies, but I've always thought he wuold be a fun guy to grab a beer with because he usually throws himself into the scene like the above pictures indicate.

But there's also some things that bother me about Mcconaughey.

He has a predliction for wearing extremely stupid head-gear like this blue one which first reared its ugly head earlier this year.


The shirt is also the same, but let's ignore that for the moment.

The other interesting part about Mcconaughey is that despite sweating like a whore in church when he's working out or dancing, he swears that he doesn't wear deodorant. I've had numerous women tell me that they don't care about this hygiene issue with him, however, I think that's more a theory than a reality.

Look at all the sweat in the picture, and then throw in a few workouts on top of that as well, forget any attempt at deodorant and I would bet that you might be able to last one single night until a smell like rotting cheese and gym socks got so bad that it would be a deal breaker.

At least that's my theory.

-BDS

Is It Really Cheating If . . .

{This is the sixth in a recurring series which will explore the brutally complex concept of monogomy in increasingly outlandish scenarios. We hope these will be illuminating what-if scenarios, and that they will cultivate some intense philosophical discussions around what, if anything, really constitutes cheating.}

For a break from the intricate scenarios that have previously dominated this series, and also due to the fact that I'm getting a little stir crazy and delirious from being loft-bound for the past several days due to an ice storm, let's go with several brief but difficult tests to monogomy.

Is It Really Cheating If:

A) She tells you afterwards that you're the best she's ever had


B) You both climax at the exact same time


C) It occurs in a secluded cabin in Alaska where nobody sees you but her sled dog

In my mind, the mitigating circumstances include:

A) If you're the best at anything, maybe you should share the wealth and teach. Be a giver.
B) This precise timing cancels the act out entirely. Thus, not cheating.
C) A classic philosophical argument akin to if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound question. To wit, if you have sex with someone in the backwoods of Alaska and only an animal sees the animalistic act on display, maybe it doesn't count because who's the dog going to tell?

This logic may be suspect, but as I mentioned, I've been locked up eating ground turkey and brown rice for days, so my mind is a bit warped. Selah.

-BDS

Dreaming Of Birthday Gifts . . .

Well, an impending ice storm has shut virtually everything down in Austin, and caused me to work from home today.

Naturally this means that I just got up from a nap where I dreamed about work-related activities as well as my birthday which is a mere two weeks from today. I was dreaming of presents when I woke up and so I rushed to the computer to record them in no particular order:

1) Bats Over Barstow - Ralph Steadman Print - $4,500


2) John Vartos Skin scrub - $30


3) An End To The Need For Signs Like This One - Free - Perverts


4) Kenneth Cole Reaction Watch - $100


5) Limited Edition copy of "The Stand" by Stephen King in black leather case - $4,500


6) 1 year membership to El Rey in Austin - $300 per month - Club for gentlemen of power to hob-knob (sp?) and receive hot towel shaves in the comfort of a manly establishment in downtown Austin. It's good to be the King.


7) Nike Running Shoes - $150



These were the only ones that I could remember from my semi-coherant dreams. They also seemed vaguely attainable, unlike having Jessica Biel serve me breakfast in bed wearing this:


But it's my birthday, so I figure why not wish for the stars and see what happens.

A character in "Diner" once noted that "If you don't have good dreams, you have nightmares" and my dreams on this freezing wet day in Austin were dominated by hope and the certain knowledge that one day I will have at least some of these items.

We'll see how long it takes.

-BDS

American Pays & Dickhead Driving . . .

For anyone unable to sleep peacefully or concentrate on work until I resolved my dispute with American Airlines, the deed is now finished and I have a voucher for $200.


I wasn't sure of the amount, and while I wish that it was even higher, $200 is still $200 and easily worth the time spent crafting an email to their customer service department letting them know exactly how backwards and unhelpful I felt their same department had been during my travels.

As a few people already noted, the problem is obviously that I have must use the vouchers for future American Airlines flights, but life is a trade-off so I'm OK with the conclusion of things.


Moving from the skies to the ground, I can barely even think about driving right now as it's still raining and a major ice storm is being forecasted for later today, which will bring Austin to a halt and possibly force me to miss work tomorrow.

There are worse things.

The problem is that I just got my car out of the shop after doing this to it:


Pretty classy, eh?

I figured I'd always been accused of driving around in a car that attracted women like Spanish Fly, so I might as well put it on display.

Of course, an argument could also be made that there's a giant dickhead driving that same car, however, I prefer to take the opposite tract and dismiss the the naysayers by ignoring them and concentrating on the positive.

And I'm positively staying off the roads today, and watching the NFL play-offs and reading books and drinking coffee, so things could be much, much worse.

-BDS

Greased Giant Asses . . .

How's that for a title, eh?


Ahh, but it's more than a title as it's how I feel today as it's raining like hell in Austin. I'm supposed to be in Dallas.

But forces of nature conspired against me to drive me back down I-35 last night after I had driven nearly for nearly two hours. When I left Austin, it was a balmy 70 degrees, however, as I drove north I received multiple calls telling me that the temperature was dropping below freezing in Dallas and it was raining.

This weather pattern was supposed to get worse all weekend, and despite having several social obligations to attend, I put my tail between my legs, turned back south onto I-35 and headed home.

I did not want to get stuck in Dallas as there are few things deadlier than Texans on ice. Maybe Texans on ice with guns, but that's another story.

So, I spent several hours in the car for no good reason and I'm not sure why driving long distances makes me feel like I need a long shower to cleanse the filth, however, it's definitely true and now all I want to do is get clean and then lazy on a free weekend that I didn't anticipate.

I hope everyone is having a better one as I'm going to the grocery store for some essentials and a giant bottle of baby oil (with the above picture as inspiration).

Whatever works . . .

=BDS

Quick Hit Friday . . .

"I am not drinking any fucking Merlot," - Paul Giamatti, "Sideways"


It's been a quiet start to the New Year as nobody has been making racist or anti-Semitic tirades or doing anything truly embarrassing, but let's check into things nonetheless.

This week former BFF or CPFs (Convenient Paparazzi Friends) Britney Spears and Paris Hilton tied for the top spot on Mr. Blackwell’s annual Worst-Dressed List.


Of the hard-partying duo, the geriatric designing divo said: “Two peas in an over-exposed pod! Style free and fashion deprived...ladies and gentlemen, the ‘SCREAMGIRLS’ have arrived!”

How hard can Blackwell's job be when you've got so many young starlets who dress like they were clothed in the dark inside a seedy brothel in Nevada to choose from?

The feud between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell has now spilled over to Barbara Walters after Trump called her a "liar."


"That poor, pathetic man," said Walters, drawing whoops of approval from her TV audience.

I typically don't side with Barbara or Rosie in much of anything, but Trump has turned from a semi-annoying jackass to a full-blown self-aggrandizing dildo recently, and if he was in touch with reality he would have known that nobody cares about "The Apprentice" anymore, which would have allowed him to throw in the towel long before the show's premiere ratings came in dismally low.

David Beckham signed a five-year contract worth more than $250 million to join the Los Angeles Galaxy, which set off a frenzy in Europe where soccer is huge and a collective yawn by most of the U.S.


Of Beckham's $250, his wife, Victoria (Posh Spice) will likely require about $87 worth of food over the length of the agreement to maintain her emaciated figure.

Marilyn Manson, 38, and his wife of a year, Dita Von Teese, are getting divorced citing the ever popular "irreconcilable differences."


But rumors are now swirling that the real reason is Manson's non-stop partying coupled with the fact that he's started dating 19-year-old actress Evan Rachel Wood.

"Dita is heartbroken, she didn't see this coming," a source close to Von Teese tells People.

It seems reasonable enough to me as Manson has always behaved like a 19-year-old girl - albeit a girl with satanic and vaguely shocking tendencies - but the surprise element is still fairly low for me.

I love Brooke Burke, and have no problem admitting it.


Burke gave birth to a daughter this week with David Charvet (Baywatch) at her side.

The name of the little girl: Heaven.

Come on. I have nothing against a little spirituality and heaven seems like a great place to go, however, saddling someone with this moniker doesn't sit well with me as I read somewhere that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

For my own little piece of heaven, let's end with this image:


I'm feeling a bit sporty myself on Friday, but I have to issue the warning that I have been known to hand-check opponents in the name of competition. So, the balls in your court and . . . Happy Friday!

-BDS

Getting Sideways With Britney . . .

I watched "Sideways" on DVD last night, and although I've seen it before, it's still a damn good movie that I enjoyed nearly as much as the first time I saw it.


There's a visually stunning scene near the end of that movie where a large, rotund man is shown having some mean sex with his wife after catching her screwing Thomas Haden Church just hours earlier. I won't go into other plot details, but the scene includes some coitus interuptus as well as a foot race with this naked man running like a wolverine on speed with his balls flapping in the breeze.

And this is all caught on film.

It's not a pretty scene. A funny one - yes. But what I started wondering was how do you write up a casting sheet for that role and who answers it?

I imagine it reading: Needed - Overweight man with very pale skin to wear head beanie, have graphic sex onscreen and then allow your extra large body and penis to be immortalized on film for eternity in a chase scene that proves the laws of gravity all over again.

But I suppose that if you want something, you must be specific and get exactly what you're after or there is bound to be disappointment left in the wake.

Speaking of disappointment, Britney Spears is looking worse and worse these days, and even her stylist has thrown his hands in the air.

"Yes, I've done Britney Spears, but don't blame me, okay? I make her up and she just takes everything off and does her own thing." - Britney Spears' stylist, Britt Bardo


Ouch. I don't think I would cast Spears in anything right now, and I don't care how much wine I had consumed or just how sideways I became, there's not enough alcohol in the world to make her look good at the present time.

-BDS

The Small Victories . . .

It's sunny and brisk in Austin today, and although I'm stuck inside an office when I'd rather be lying like a cat in the sun (with licking myself purely as a secondary option), the day got off to a good start when I triumphed over American Airlines with the power of the written word.


Several posts ago, I described the brutal odyssey of myself and my bags from Austin to Taos, NM on Christmas Day. Nothing went as planned as there were late planes, missed connections and no baggage upon arrival in Albuquerque.

I made a mental note to email American a strongly worded dissertation that highlighted their shortcomings, and after doing so last week, I just received a response that apologized profusely and assured me that two travel vouchers were being mailed to me to use on future flights.



On the American website, electronic complaints are allotted 1,500 characters (not words) to keep things economical I suppose. That is not a lot to work with in expressing your frustration, and I used 1,499 of mine making sure that every venomous thought came through loud and clear.

American heard my roar, and to their credit, responded well to it.

They were clearly in the wrong, which is becoming increasingly true in an industry where costs are being slashed, personnel trimmed and overworked, bags missing, and so it's a natural trickle-down effect for a nasty attitude and poor service to be passed onto the travelers.

A vicious cycle to say the least, and although I see no near-term solution for it, I'm merely happy that I've got two vouchers coming in the mail.

It's the small victories . . .

-BDS

Is It Really Cheating . . .

{This is the fifth in a recurring series which will explore the brutally complex concept of monogomy in increasingly outlandish scenarios. We hope these will be illuminating what-if scenarios, and that they will cultivate some intense philosophical discussions around what, if anything, really constitutes cheating.}

Is It Really Cheating If:



You are making an international flight from Rome to the United States, and sitting next to you in first-class is a stunning, high-powered Trans-Atlantic lawyer.

After making some witty small-talk as well as a few lame jokes about checking out her briefs and hung juries, the plane hits turbulence and shakes violently back and forth. Oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, flight attendants are freaking out and even the pilot announces that things are not going well.

When things are at their bleakest, you make eye contact with your seatmate and to counter-balance your impending doom, you maul each other like teenagers before letting her straddle you as your seat rocks back and other passengers watch in stunned fascination at the frenzy of lust on display.

Ultimately, the plane rights itself and you make it to your destination safely. When you arrive, no words are exchanged as both of you are greeted by your significant others at the baggage claim area.

So, with the scent of doom in the air, is it really cheating?

-BDS

Biel's Body Of Work . . .

Since "The Illusionist" is being released on DVD tomorrow, and also because I just like looking at Jessica Biel lately, it seemed appropriate to call attention to both her body as well as her body of work.



The latter is a bit shaky due to her turns in movies that have ranged from bad ideas ("The Rules of Attraction") to flat-out pieces of Hollywood garbage like "Stealth." Following those false starts, however, Biel has been appearing in smaller roles inside better projects.

She was passable in "Elizabethtown," a movie that took a solid idea and turned into a mess, but Biel finally nailed it with her work in "The Illusionist."

This is an excellent movie that benefits from great performances by Ed Norton and Paul Giamatti. Biel holds her own during her screen time, and this film is definitely worth a rental or a place in your NetFlix queue.

At the very least, it's almost worth renting any Jessica Biel movie because in my estimation, she's currently got the best body in Hollywood. Biel is lean, but hasn't gone the way of the emaciated as she also looks athletic and healthy.


I can appreciate that stance almost as much as "The Illusionist," and when you combine the two then you're onto something worthwhile because if you're that striking AND can make decent film choices, then you can hang around Hollywood forever.

-BDS

Peaks & Valleys & Dead Otters . . .

The holidays are over, and there's no longer an excuse to indulge in sweets and alcohol and meaningless carbs.

I suppose you could always make a case for those things, but my rationalizing is over. Finished. I'm back on my diet for the last time as I have a tentative date for February 5th or the 19th to head to New York to live in a "model house" for a week.


Again, I'll believe it when I'm actually on the plane, but for good or ill, I'm ready to finish this saga which has stretched out far too long for my taste.

After several months of dieting, I've taken my body fat down to this:



{Editor's Note: I am wearing a backwards baseball hat in the pics & not a dead otter draped across my head}

My lengthy diet duration has essentially depleted my glycogen reserves, and now the tricky part really sets in as I need to get bigger and fill out my muscles while maintaining an extremely low body fat percentage.

This is easier said than done.

I'm currently alternating high/low carb days in an effort to confuse and hopefully improve my body. We'll see how this works as I get the feeling that my system is going to rebel in the near future.

It's funny how you can spend such an enormous amount of time tackling a project, and yet it's easy to forget why you started it in the first place. I can't remember clearly at this juncture, however, it seemed to have something to do with easy money, screenwriting connections, orgies, funny stories and a masochistic need to punish myself.

Let's hope at least a few of those things come to fruition, but I'm now headed for the home stretch and I need some luck to really "peak" when it matters the most.

We'll see.

-BDS

Up On The Mountain Vol. 10 . . .

{Editor's Note: This is a semi-regular series of high-water mark performances that spans movies, television, books and life its ownself.}

This isn't Matt Damon's Up On The Mountain for leading roles, but if you're discussing glorified cameo appearances then it's unlikely he'll ever top his turn as a shaven-headed lead singer for a rock band in "Eurotrip."



The film is a decently funny low-brow rental, but Damon ups the ante with his appearance.


Damon is the catalyst for letting the main character, Scotty, know that his girlfriend, Fiona, has been cheating on him with virtually everybody in town. This occurs at a party where Damon's band is playing. He takes the microphone and screams:

"Hey, listen up, everybody. Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight. Going to play a little song for you about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know . . . Fiona."

What a great intro, and Damon's look, which is so far removed from his typical persona, fits perfectly with the character and lyrics of the song he launches into to kick off the party:

" Scotty doesn't know
That Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday
She tells him she's in church
But she doesn't go
Still she's on her knees
And Scotty doesn't know
Oh, Scotty doesn't know
So don't tell Scotty
Scotty doesn't know


What a great way to hear that your girlfriend has the morals of a goat, eh?

But nobody could have delivered it as well as Damon as his cameo was unexpected and hilarious - both of which are necessary for a token appearance to work well and he nailed it as the best little part of his career.

-BDS

Quick Hit Friday . . .

"I'm so horny," - Chevy Chase, "European Vacation"


It's a New Year and Friday once again. I'm back from my holiday travels and struggling to return to the daily grind, however, I can still get it up to shoot off some important news.

Britney Spears rang in 2007 much the same way she finished with 2006 - with dignity and class. Actually, she reportedly got so drunk on champagne while hosting the countdown festivities at Pure Nightclub in Las Vegas that she had to be carried out of the club by security.


Her manager, Larry Rudolph, claims the singer walked out because she "was just done."

He's right. Spears was done with about 3 bottles of champagne by the time she crumpled to the floor. And her career make-over continues to stall . . .

It turns out the reason that Spears got the job in the first place was due to Jessica Simpson turning down the gig to canoodle and caress John Mayer in New York.

The person least happy about this: Joe Simpson.


Shocking, but Papa Joe reportedly became angry with his daughter for turning down the high-paying job.

He was overheard yelling at the blonde vixen, "I've got 3 more surgeries for Ashley to pay for in 2007, and you know how costly it is to keep bleaching my hair" at the top of his lungs.

Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz supposedly broke up this week.


I guess Justin brought Sexy Back and then took it away again.

In other news about coming back, it was announced that a 4th Indiana Jones movie is set to beging filming with Harrison Ford and possibly Sean Connery back for another installment.


The working title is "Indiana Jones and the Quest For The Last Box of Depends" - And I'll still go see it.

Penelope Cruz and her sister got an eyeful recently while strolling along a beach in St. Barths.


This is one reason why I'll be visiting Virgin Gorda this March instead of St. Barths.

Whitney Houston might have split from Bobby Brown, but she can't put the same distance away from her bills. Consequently, some of the singer's wardrobe and things are being auctioned off by a New Jersey storage facility to help raise money.


No word has been received on who has called dibs on the crack pipe, but that would be a hell of a collector's item.

Let's end with a pleasing image of life on the edge:


And although I'm not a qualified rescue worker, I feel adequately prepared to talk this woman off that ledge and into the safety of a dark bedroom. So, be safe . . . And Happy Friday!

-BDS

New Year's Day . . .

"If I could live my life all over
It wouldn't matter anyway
Because I never could stay sober
On the Corpus Christi Bay," - Robert Earl Keen, 'Corpus Christi Bay'

I recall listening to this song early one New Years Day during my college years at the University of Texas at Austin.


The sentiment seemed almost perfect to me as I drove home and tried to sort through the night before in a flailing attempt to make sense of its twisted existence.

At the time, I was on the downside of a long-term relationship and after dropping off my girlfriend shortly after midnight, I proceeded to attend an after party at an old friend's house where many more old friends from high school were gathered. Things turned hazy at this point, however, I remember more drinking and several post-midnight celebratory kisses followed by a grand passionate romp finale inside my friend's sister's bedroom with an old girlfriend who I hadn't seen for years.

It was more of a drunken and vaguely clumsy seduction, but it happened even if I couldn't remember all the details as I drove home in need of sleep and some kind of selective amnesia.

And that was one of my better New Year's celebrations.


I've simply come to the conclusion that New Years is easily one of the most overrated holidays masquerading as a good time. By my unofficial calculations, nearly 4 out of 5 are stressful, boring and end up costing far too much money for the amount of entertainment they provide.

The lousy service and price fix menus make dining virtually impossible. Driving is dicey as it's amateur drunk night on the roads. And unless you know someone throwing a party with good people invited, you're spending a lot of time with human jackals who mistake talking loudly with being witty.

I think New Years celebrations peaked in high school when you could usually find a house where the parents were gone and get blitzed with your friends.


These salad days ended when you turned 21 and could drink legally. Since then, I only remember one New Years (2000 in Austin) that was truly a good time and which didn't end in boredom or bedlam.

I suppose any celebration where you live to see the next year could be considered a success, and as Robert Earl noted I'm not sure if you had a second chance to change things that they would get any better.

I don't even know if I have the energy to try anymore as I am about ready to throw in the towel on New Years and start celebrating Groundhog Day with a vengeance unseen by man or beast.

-BDS

Singing The Airplane Blues . . .

I can't seem to get over the subject of travel lately, and the fact that I'm working through a cold doesn't help matters.


Although I have no definitive proof, I would bet at least $2 that my sickness was due to the multiple airplanes I rode in last week as those things are just flying germ boxes and about as sanitary as Lindsay Lohan after a 3-day bender.


Even if I feel perfectly fine before boarding, I almost always leave feeling sick. The fact that people are coughing, vomiting, farting, blowing their nose, and putting their hands on my seat makes it virtually impossible to make it to your destination with a clear system.

It doesn't help matters that you can't drink the water onboard and they frequently run out of bottled water for no good reason. I could handle this hydration issue with a more giving spirit if the airline personnel had better attitudes or were better-looking or both. The days of good-looking stewardess has gone the way of the dodo as I haven't seen one in years that I might take home after a cocktail or three.

They certainly don't look like Britney Spears in her "Toxic" video.


Of course, Britney Spears doesn't even look like Britney Spears these days but that's another matter entirely.

Besides being parched and half-sick, the odds of getting food is also low unless you bring it on yourself. It takes a lot of arm-twisting to get a second bag of peanut these days, which doesn't seem like a particularly difficult request as most people have to eat.

Jessica Alba doesn't seem to be one of them, however, as she recently showed up looking gaunt somewhere around New Years.


Ouch. She must be hanging out with Kate Bosworth and discussing ways to not eat as her curves (which are the main thing she has going for her as her acting chops are suspect) are long gone.

I think this post is wandering due to my fever so I'm going back to bed. I've got work to catch up on, blogs to read and medicine to take, but sometimes a nap will suffice.

For now, it will have to do until I can win the lotto and buy my own plane to charter me around the country complete with clean air and the Swedish Bikini Team to look after customer satisfaction.


Dare to Dream.

-BDS

Happy New Years (Barely) . . .

Two feet of snow got dumped on Taos this week, and I barely made it back to Austin alive.

It was a hell of a long travel day from Taos to Albuquerque to Dallas to Austin with a head that feels like a bloated pit bull is sitting and growling inside of it, but it was still nice to see some snow and snap a sunset picture like this one:


I hope everyone had a damn good New Years as I am optimistic about 2007 for reasons I can't entirely explain.

But I feel like a filthy beast from traveling and I ought to come up with a few resolutions to break next week, so for now, Happy Belated New Years.

-BDS